Lately, I’ve realized that I struggle to sit alone in silence without some kind of external stimulation.

I can’t exactly describe it, but it feels like a force is constantly pulling me to grab my phone, turn on the TV, play a podcast, or flip through a magazine.

I notice it’s strongest with social media apps on my phone. When I’m bored on the couch,with a show or movie on the TV, I’ll pick up my phone and open Instagram and scroll.

After five minutes, I’m done. I’ll put my phone down. But then a minute later, I get this feeling that I need to pick my phone back up and check Instagram again.

Of course, nothing happened. I saw no important information. It didn’t make me feel any better about myself (probably worse actually).

I’ve recognized this is a problem, but I’ve still struggled with building up any capacity to be alone with my thoughts and not have some kind of external stimulation going on around me.

I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard from many people that have similar feelings. But it got me thinking, why is it so hard these days to sit in silence and be with our thoughts?

I’m Not Alone

If you’ve read this far, I’m not sure you need any proof that this is a challenge. You’ve most likely felt this as well.

But let’s talk quickly about a University of Virginia study1 that showed just how far people are willing to go to not sit alone in boredom with their thoughts.

In the study, people were left alone for 15 minutes without any kind of stimulation, just their thoughts. Except, they were given the option to shock themselves.

So, sit alone and do nothing and think. Or sit alone and shock yourself lightly.

Here are some interesting statistics from the study:

• 67% of men and 25% of women shocked themselves at least once

• Of the people that shocked themselves, the average was 1.47 shocks

• One outlier shocked himself 190 times

The authors’ conclusions, while not definitive, were that people prefer any kind of stimulation over non-stimulation, even if it’s negative.

From Silence to Gutter Anxiety

This study aligns with what I’ve experienced in my own life when I’ve become aware of my habits.

It’s uncomfortable for me to sit and do nothing, especially when I’m bored.

My brain and inner dialogue are very active, meaning sitting alone with no external stimulation means I’m inviting my brain to run wild, which has been a scary proposition throughout my life.

I have a history of anxious thoughts and ruminations, which means that empty space typically is where my brain might decide to latch onto negative thoughts and away I go.

Let me give you an example.

I was sitting on the deck reading a book and took a brief break to just sit and be still.

I noticed that part of my gutter is starting to fall off. It looks like a nail might be missing that attaches it to the side of my house.

I then started thinking about how much that was going to cost to fix, what would happen if there was a heavy rain storm before I fixed it and it made even more damage, how much that would then cost, who could even do the work, why I struggle so much doing my own home maintenance, and eventually I felt bad about myself, was stressed about what was needed and how much it would cost, and I chose to completely ignore it all instead. (It’s still falling off)

Experience has taught me that sitting alone with my thoughts can be unsafe and/or uncomfortable. And the UVA study seems to confirm I’m not alone.

So if silence is where my brain goes to spiral about gutters, what else is it capable of doing in there?

What the Silence Is Actually Doing

There's a part of the brain called the Default Mode Network (DMN) that comes online only when we're not preoccupied with outside stimulation.

It gets activated when we are daydreaming and its activity is tied to our creativity.

However, many of us struggle to actually bring the DMN online as we go from external stimulation to external stimulation the entire time we’re awake.

Hell, I sometimes even go to bed with the TV on just to have some background noise to focus on instead of what is going through my head.

But I'd venture to say we're missing out on something.

If DMN activity is tied to creativity and daydreaming, and we never let it come online, we're probably limiting our abilities. And I'd also guess we're missing out on opportunities to build up our discomfort tolerance.

How I’m Building Resilience

Over the last few weeks, I've started experimenting with a couple things to build up more inner resilience.

Walking Without Headphones

I’ve started to take my daily walks with my dog without headphones, meaning I’m no longer listening to music or podcasts as I walk her.

It was pretty awkward and uncomfortable at first, feeling like I didn’t know what to do or think about. And this is typically where I get myself into trouble with rumination by letting my mind run wild and not having the ability to reel it in.

If I notice my thoughts drifting into anxiety or rumination, I can now steer it back to focus on the sensations of walking, with my feet hitting the pavement. And then I come up with a topic I want to think about, like what I’m grateful for or some ideas for the next app I want to build.

Sitting Alone in Silence

This has proven to be the tougher exercise for me.

At least when you’re walking, you can observe everything around you, like the trees, the squirrels, the clouds, and the people.

Sitting alone on the couch or the deck has much fewer stimuli for me to interact with, which, duh, is kind of the point.

I’ve started to run a timer, starting with three minutes, where I sit alone in silence and just think. I put my phone face down and out of arm’s reach and don’t let myself move.

I’ve noticed time goes by pretty slow to start, but the more I do it, the quicker it feels. My next threshold is five minutes. And I’ll keep increasing from there.

Still Uncomfortable

Once I started down this path, I’ve found it easier to spend time with myself. The discomfort isn’t totally gone, but I’ve been building up an inner capacity to be alone with my thoughts and feel comfortable.

It's going to take continued work, especially with the TV and my phone still sitting right there, waiting. But I'd rather build the capacity than keep avoiding the discomfort altogether.

Did you notice yourself in any of this? And how comfortable do you feel being alone with your own thoughts? I’d love to hear in the comments.

Leave a comment

Yesterday was our nation’s 250th anniversary of our independence and I celebrated by going to a Reds game.

The patriotism of this day has always struck me as a defining characteristic of what it means to be American.

At the end of the day, we’re all Americans.

I’ve struggled with feeling very disconnected from our country with the increasingly polarized nature of our politics and hard-lined government.

I can’t control any of that. I can’t fix Washington and I definitely can’t fix social media.

What I’ve realized in my last few years, throughout all the personal growth and healing, is that the only thing I actually have control over is me.

Let me explain.

I interact with the world entirely through myself. Every person I talk with, every task I complete, every deed I do flows through me.

My interactions leave ripple effects on the world based on how regulated I am.

Back when I was drinking, I was highly dysregulated. The day after drinking I struggled to hold conversations, leave my house, and generally show up for the people in my life.

I wasn’t dependable.

If I did show up, I would show up as a poor version of myself with a short temper and an even shorter ability to carry a conversation.

I had zero control over my nervous system and I was probably dysregulating others’ nervous systems through my interactions.

These days, my nervous system is well-regulated. I show up as authentically myself with other people. And my purpose, which I know is to help others, is not just possible, it’s inevitable.

We can’t truly help others unless we’ve helped ourselves first.

As I was at the Reds game thinking about the dichotomy of celebrating our nation together for one day, while hearing everybody yell at each other seemingly every other day, I realized just how dysregulated we are as a society.

And it was further evidence that my focus needs to remain on myself, because when I focus on myself, I have the power to change the world.

Every interaction I have can change someone’s perspective, no matter how small.

If I am able to keep an open heart, I might inspire someone else to do the same. If I am able to be more authentic and vulnerable, that gives somebody else permission to do the same.

Can you imagine if every single one of us made these incremental changes in our life, how that would compound over time?

To me, getting my anxiety and apathy under control is a sign of love to myself, but it’s also a sign of love to the world.

I deserve to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled. If I can do it for myself, and share my journey, that shows others it’s possible too.

My journey of self discovery has given me insights into every other person I interact with in the world. I understand you more by understanding myself more.

But it starts with me.

So if I want to continue to help people, I have to continue to help myself. I deserve it.

Leave a comment

On nice mornings and evenings, I like to spend time on my back deck with my dog, Greta.

In the morning, I usually write my daily journal entry.

At night, I’ll read a book or watch the Cincinnati Reds game on my laptop, all while Greta does stuff like this:

I’ve noticed a trend. Sitting outside relaxes me. I feel more grounded. I feel like I can breathe deeper. The world moves a little slower.

I’ve never stopped to think about this, although I have read plenty of times that being in nature is healthy for us.

Sure, a lot of things are healthy for us. How can you keep track of it all?

It wasn’t until, ironically, I was sitting on my deck one night and saw an Instagram post about the benefits of “forest bathing” that I started to get really curious.

How in the world would spending time in nature amongst the plants and trees actually make us feel better?

As one does now, I naturally turned to my AI minions to inquire about the legitimacy of what I’d read in the IG post.

And shockingly enough, there is hard science behind the benefits.

Trees give off essential oils called phytoncides. It’s part of how they defend themselves against bacteria and insects.

Turns out, when we breathe them in, our bodies respond too.

Research from Dr. Qing Li at Nippon Medical School1 found that phytoncide exposure lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and blood pressure. It also increases the body’s production of Natural Killer cells, the ones responsible for hunting down virus-infected and tumor cells.

There are very similar benefits for dogs as well.

What?

As I was reading summaries of the research, it got me thinking about how I spend my time. The vast majority of it is spent indoors in artificial lighting, breathing stale air and looking at the blue light of TVs, phones, and laptop screens.

I made a decision that night on the deck that I’m going to spend more time outside amongst the trees.

They’re another tool in my mental health toolkit, even if I’m not quite at the hugging phase yet.

A few nights later, I was back on the couch, stressed about something, and caught myself wondering if I’d actually followed through. Had I been outside at all that day?

I hadn’t.

So I grabbed my laptop and went and sat on the deck instead.

Greta followed me out, like she always does, and got comfortable in about four seconds.

She figured this out a long time before I read an Instagram post about it.

Leave a comment

“I don’t feel like I have experienced joy in a very long time.”

This is what I told my therapist a month ago in a session and kind of caught myself by surprise.

I’ve been mentally well—my nervous system feels regulated, I’m continuing to experience a wider range of emotions on a much lower dose of my antidepressant, and I’ve developed a deep sense of understanding myself that has made me feel more whole than I’ve ever felt.

But that pesky joy! It felt elusive.

She asked me what things provided me a sense of joy and I was so dumbfounded that I had to ask her to define joy and what it can feel like.

She brought out a chart and I felt like a little kid trying to learn what an emotion was.

“Andy, when was the last time you felt this way?”

All I could think of in the moment was when I spent time with my niece playing. The outside world didn’t matter. I wasn’t worried about external factors like how I looked or who was watching. I just felt deeply engaged with this angelic (but sometimes devilish) being that shared my last name.

We decided we’d work on cultivating more joy in my life, which I was excited about. But I left feeling like I hadn’t gotten to the bottom of my lack of joy.

I was stuck in traffic on the way home and it hit me. The last time I truly felt consistent joy was when I was drunk, surrounded by friends, with endless possibilities in the moment.

I emailed her while I was in a gridlock:

Alcohol was the most exciting thing in my life. It always seemed to allow me to turn off my brain and have so much fun with my friends. I never liked drinking alone because it made me sad, but I would legit look forward to going out with my buddies and drinking. It energized me.

Some of the best moments of my life have been while drinking with others: concerts on the beach, day drinking at college and playing drinking games, etc.

I realized I was addicted to the feeling of being a different person.

Alcohol gave me the confidence to become someone else, if only for some time.

I became easy-spirited, confident, spontaneous, outgoing, and secure. I didn’t feel the loneliness of never having felt deeply loved by a significant other. I didn’t feel pessimistic about my future.

I could go flirt with that beautiful girl at the bar. Or make friends with those guys who thought I was hilarious and wanted to hang out again soon.

I felt ALIVE.

I could step into this character at any moment and turn into Don Draper with the charisma and charm.

Add in the connection and camaraderie of drinking with friends and I felt unstoppable.

And then my ability to switch characters ended, cold turkey when I got sober.

Add in my friends moving into a different phase of their lives with marriage and kids, and I lost the ability to experience joy in the way I knew how.

Each year, I was congratulated for staying sober another year. But I also continued to lose the confidence in myself to cultivate joy and excitement.

Sober, amazing. Joy? Not so much.

That’s why sobriety to me has felt…meh. Boring. Bland. It’s just been whatever.

I never realized how important alcohol was to my ability to improve myself. In a screwed up way, alcohol was my first foray into self improvement, which by now you know is very important to me.

Give me a few drinks and I was who I wanted to be.

So what do I do with this knowledge now?

In full transparency, I’m still figuring this out.

My first step has been realizing that alcohol only brought out the parts of me that were already there but hiding behind the barriers I’d created.

I already possessed all of these abilities. Alcohol just made it easier to call them forward.

I don't know yet what it looks like to call them forward sober. I'm still figuring that out.

Leave a comment

I’m standing over a 130-yard shot into the green on a tough Par 5. To stay in the playoffs and move on to the next hole, I need to stick this shot pretty close for my partner to have a chance to sink the putt.

All eyes are on me.

Thirty golf carts are surrounding the green as people watch the playoffs of the member-guest golf tournament I was playing in with my friend.

My heart is beating out my chest.

A brief mental image of me chunking the shot 10 yards crosses my mind.

I take a few deep breaths using the psychological exhale I’ve learned as a tool for anxiety.

I step up. Flush the shot. It lands within 10 feet of the pin and stops on a dime.

Golf claps.

I exhale and fist pound my buddy.

Whew.

We came in fourth out of roughly 40 teams, and there were a number of moments like this throughout the weekend.

Once I got home late each night after the dinner and socializing, I noticed my brain was quiet.

All that rumination about my ex-girlfriend, all that stress about upcoming work tasks, all that loneliness that tends to creep into my bones on the weekend nights, it was silent.

The day after the tournament was over, I spent some time thinking at a coffee shop while I tried to come up with the next post idea.

I was having trouble because I typically write about topics freshly on my mind—some new tool I learned for anxiety, some new mindset shift from therapy, some experience that showed me a valuable lesson.

Instead, my mind was quiet after spending three days fully engrossed in this tournament.

And then it hit me: flow state.

I was in the flow state these last few days, so engaged in the tournament that I lost track of time and almost everything else.

When I’m in a flow state, the stress and anxiety from my daily life seem to melt away.

Depending on the topic I’m writing about, I can also get into flow when I’m writing.

If I want to get out of my head, I need to build more flow into my life.

This morning, the rumination is back. It always comes back. But now I know what quiets it. And I’m going to be more intentional about making space for it.

What activities get you into a flow state? And what does that feel like to you? I’d love to hear in the comments.

Leave a comment

I grew up with every possible need met.

I had parents that deeply loved me and provided for me.

I grew up in an affluent suburb in Ohio with a great school district and a high marriage rate.

I was surrounded by people that loved their families, had good jobs, and cared about the wellbeing of others.

I didn’t have a single issue growing up outside of the low grade anxiety I felt on a daily basis.

The downside to my idyllic childhood was not learning how to truly trust myself and my ability to deal with challenges.

I always had loving parents nearby to catch me. I was always surrounded with good friends who kept me busy and grounded.

When I went off to college at 18, no matter that it was only 15 minutes up the road from my family, I was extremely unprepared mentally.

I knew nobody. It felt like I no longer had that safety net I was so accustomed to.

My mom and dad weren’t there to make dinner and do my laundry and make sure I went to bed at a decent time.

I’m slightly embarrassed to say that freshman year, I called my mom on the phone and asked her how to do laundry because I’d never cared to listen when she had described it to me numerous times before. My dirty clothes went into a hamper and they magically showed up in my room a day or two later clean and folded. (Thank you, Mom. I love you!)

Later on in my 20s, when I was feeling invincible like most at that age, I created habits in my life like drinking that gave me a sense of the things that were missing in my life—excitement, an absence of anxiety and worry, and spontaneity.

And when my drinking got bad enough, I was unwilling to talk about it with anyone lest that mean I have a problem and I can’t handle it on my own.

I’ve always tried to fix my own problems because I thought that was what being a man was.

The truth was, I was partially correct. And also way off base.

I’ve learned two important lessons over the years and they seem contradictory at first:

1. You cannot fix all your problems yourself

2. Nobody will fix your problems for you

I was incapable of solving my toughest challenges myself. I’ve needed family, friends, significant others, and medical professionals to help me navigate my anxiety and sobriety.

I work closely with my doctor on my health. I go to therapy twice a month. I go to a hot yoga studio three times a week. Without these, I shudder to think at what my life would look like.

I couldn't make meaningful progress by myself. The self-made man is a story we tell. It's not how any of us actually get anywhere.

The other lesson is that nobody will solve your problems for you.

This requires you to have the self-awareness of your challenges, but also choose to take active steps to addressing them.

Once I got into my upper 30s, I looked around and realized I felt empty. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt numb.

My relationships hadn’t worked out. Yet all my friends and family were in relationships and seemed to be doing well.

I remember sitting alone at home, truly feeling the loneliness and wondering why me? Why can’t I drink like my friends? Why can’t I be in a loving, secure relationship? Why am I still terrified of panic attacks?

I just remember not having a single answer that I believed. I was dumbfounded. That’s when I realized nobody was coming to save me. It was just me and these things I couldn’t fix alone.

The truth was, I had never been tested that way before. Growing up with every need met meant my mind was never sharpened by real hardship. There was always a safety net. So I kept expecting one, even when it was no longer there.

Life doesn’t work that way. Nor should it.

These challenges were mine and mine alone. But that didn’t mean I had to go it alone.

My life didn’t get better until I asked for help. I built a team around me that included my doctor and my therapist.

They didn’t save me. But they enabled me to save myself.

Who’s on your team?

Leave a comment

I used to be terrified of my body.

After I had my first panic attack at 18 seemingly out of the blue, I learned I couldn’t trust my body.

How else could I explain being fine one minute and the next feeling like my body was attacking me, sending a three-alarm fire surging through it with deadly intent?

I became anxious about anxiety. I became panicky about having a panic attack.

I remember going to class in college terrified of having a panic attack. What would people think of me? Would I pass out and embarrass myself? Would people think I was a wimp?

The Old Anxiety Frame

After the first few deeply traumatic panic attacks, I became a victim of my own nervous system. The only thing I was sure of was that all this panic and anxiety was coming from the outside and it was here to hurt me.

I vividly remember a few of the panic attacks I’ve had alone at home where all of a sudden, my heart started beating out of my chest, I started feeling flushed and sweaty, and my mind told me something was terribly wrong.

My mind has always been how I’ve defined myself (my “Self”). My thoughts were me. However, the anxiety and panic were always happening to me from some external force I couldn’t control. Even if that external force appeared to be very much inside of me.

When I would feel the wave of anxiety and panic rush over me, I’d think “Oh shit, here we go again” and I’d immediately feel out of control and deeply unsafe.

Death was at the door, except I was perfectly healthy according to my doctor.

Worse yet, it often felt like it wasn’t a real thing. After all, I’d been to the doctor and emergency room where they told me nothing serious was wrong with me.

Are you sure? Why is my body trying to kill me?

Believe me when I say, I understand just how debilitating and terrifying anxiety can be, especially when you feel like you have zero control over it.

A Healthier Reframe around Anxiety & Panic

I have a much better relationship with my anxiety today.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight.

It’s taken me almost two years of therapy and personal growth to reframe my relationship with anxiety and panic.

It started with this question:

For someone that’s really been through it, that can almost be a slap in the face. I know because this was my reaction:

What do you mean it’s trying to help me? You have no idea what I’ve been through. Or how terrible I’ve felt. Or what it’s caused me to do and not do in my life.

That’s a pretty normal reaction in my opinion when you’ve really been through it. And if you’re currently going through it, this reframe isn’t going to land right now.

Come back when you feel more emotionally regulated.

Working Through the Reframe

What exactly does it mean for my anxiety and panic to instead try to help me?

Here's what I had to understand first: your nervous system wasn't built for this world.

It developed when real predators existed and the alarm system that kept your ancestors alive is still hardwired into you.

It just can't distinguish between a genuine threat and the anxiety of sitting in a meeting you don't want to be in.

Your alarm system is simply trying to protect you.

Every symptom you’re experiencing with anxiety—the shakiness, the feeling “off,” the racing heart, the terror or feeling of losing control, all of it—is simply your body trying to protect you.

How would that change your anxiety if you shifted your mindset from your body attacking and hurting you to wanting to protect you?

It certainly doesn’t make it go away, especially as you’re first working through this reframe.

But shifting from a mindset of “happening to me” versus “happening for me” was very powerful.

I learned to do two things: thank my nervous system for trying to protect me, and personify it so I could work with it directly.

The second part is where my real growth has come from.

How I Work with My Anxious Alarm System

I’ve mentioned my love of Internal Family Systems (IFS) before.

It’s been quite profound for developing a better relationship with myself and stepping into a real leadership role for myself.

I’ve identified this anxious alarm system as the 18-year-old boy that had his first panic attack. And is constantly monitoring every situation looking for the slightest hint of anxiety and panic symptoms.

He’s stuck at that age, in those deeply scary and unsettling situations, feeling alone and terrified.

Now, when I feel that twinge of anxiety in my body, as a skipped heartbeat, or a flush of heat across my body, I can take a step back realizing this younger part of me is active and he’s shouting,

EMERGENCY! WE NEED HELP! WE ARE NOT OK!

I first thank him for always trying to protect us. His love for us runs so deep that he has taken on this role 24/7/365.

Thank you so much for always being there to protect us. And thank you for alerting me now that we’re feeling this anxiety. I can feel it, too.

But what comes next is where I step into my new self leadership role. I am 40 years old. I have been doing the hard, internal work for years now. I know how to regulate my nervous system and have tools should things get worse.

I remind him of the work I’ve done, ask him to trust me, and let me handle it.

You’ve done your job and alerted me. Really good work. I’m letting you know that we are safe right now. And remember, I’m 40 years old and have done a lot of hard work for us. I know how to handle this situation. I am more than capable. I will keep us safe.

From my experience, my anxiety typically lowers. Why is this?

My prevailing theory aligns with the purpose of IFS. I feel like I have agency again in my life.

Anxiety isn’t happening to me. It’s happening for me.

I can have a racing heartbeat and be totally fine. My hands can shake and my muscles spasm and I can still go about my day.

Stepping into a leadership role for myself has allowed me to work with my alarm system to listen, but decide whether to panic. Instead of jumping to panic at the first physical symptom.

And if worst comes to worst, if I’m having a panic attack that’s a 13/10, I still have the agency to get myself help.

It Takes Practice

This shift didn’t happen for me overnight, but it becomes muscle memory.

The more I practiced stepping into that leadership role, the more agency I felt when anxiety showed up.

And it all started with one reframe: my anxiety isn't happening to me. It's happening for me.

I choose to listen to my alarm system. But I don’t have to choose to agree.

What has been a meaningful shift for you with your anxiety? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

Leave a comment

I turned 40 years old this past Wednesday, which is a big milestone.

It typically garners lots of introspection:

• “Am I where I want to be in life?”

• “Doing what I want to be doing?”

• “With the person I want to be with?”

• “Am I happy?”

Turning 40 wasn’t quite as dramatic for me because I’ve had a head start asking myself these questions.

I’ve had multiple mid-life crises before I reached 40. Once when my Dad died. And a long, painful one when a relationship ended.

I’ve spent some time reflecting on my life, especially hard-fought lessons I’ve learned over the last few years.

Here's what the last decade has actually taught me.

Lesson 1: Your Body Tells You The Whole Time

We’re not taught what stress and anxiety feels like in our body, especially as kids.

What we are taught is how to mask everything. How to numb.

“Hard day at work? Have a cocktail!”

“Feeling stressed? Go binge Netflix and have a pint of ice cream.”

It took me until I was 38 to realize my body had been trying to tell me something the whole time. It wasn’t there to hurt me. It was telling me when I was living out of alignment with who I actually was.

For me, the solution wasn't to numb it away. It was to dive inward and understand where that anxiety was coming from.

It came from deep fears like not being enough, being abandoned, not being lovable, and not having mattered in this world.

That’s the work I’ve done in therapy that has changed my life.

My therapist has helped me to identify core beliefs that are flat wrong, and to build more accurate and positive core beliefs, like I matter because I’m human, not because I’ve achieved anything of substance.

Lesson 2: Intimate Relationships Are Mirrors for Your Inner Child Work

Nobody can trigger you quite like your partner.

As I mentioned in Lesson 1, we all have core beliefs that are built from deep fears. These live under the surface in our subconscious and we often don’t know they exist.

Understanding your relationship patterns is important to identifying and then working through these fears.

I have a lonely boy part inside of me that was severely triggered when my last relationship ended. This fear of abandonment and loneliness caused my inner critic to pick me apart, making me feel unworthy, unchosen, and hopeless in finding another partner I was so madly in love with.

I’ve gone through most of my life single and I’ve often felt like women never wanted to really know the true me. They were only attracted to my external factors that weren’t really who I was.

Because of that, I’ve not had many women that have fully seen me and loved all of my parts.

In past relationships, I’ve always been the avoidant partner who learned to shut down and dismiss because that’s how I’ve seen most men in my life act. And it was much easier for my anxiety to run away than sit in the fire and talk through hard things.

For the first time in my life, I'm learning to actually sit in the fire instead of running from it.

Lesson 3: We All Get Healthy Masculinity Wrong

Neither men nor women fully understand healthy masculinity. And it's not entirely our fault.

The version of masculinity that has been sold to us is a lie. Us men want to be the big, gruff, movie hero types that are ass kickers. Think John Rambo (Rambo) or John McClane (Die Hard).

Men learn that women are attracted to these types and women learn that these types will keep them safe.

These characters embody the essence of toxic masculinity and it’s worth calling out that we don’t live inside a movie. We live in reality, where we have responsibilities, needs, and wants.

John McClane is divorced—a bad husband and father. A functioning alcoholic. An asshole that pisses off almost everybody he comes into contact with.

This is who we want our men to be?

Many of us men are constrained by what we think society expects of us: be strong, be stoic, avoid vulnerability and deep connection, etc.. And so we refuse to change.

It’s time we all recognize what healthy masculinity is and support that version: Men that show up for women consistently, respectfully, protectively, and supportively are the men that are good husbands, good fathers, and good community members.

Lesson 4: The Habits Were Never the Point

I used to think that healing my nervous system from the anxiety I was running from was strictly about the practices I was doing.

If I do enough hot yoga, or meditation, or journaling, or this or that, my nervous system gets healed and I have no more anxiety.

Part of this can be true. These practices all help to lower my baseline level of stress and anxiety. That’s certainly been helpful in my everyday life.

However, I was just hoping doing enough things would change my life.

What I realized was these habits were part of a larger journey where I learned to show up for myself.

I learned that I can control so much more of my life than I thought. I wake up every morning now and do the work because I've learned I'm worth showing up for.

The habits were there to help me lower my regular stress and anxiety. But building a better relationship with myself was the real work.

Finally

None of this came easy.

Sobriety, therapy, my continued journey with antidepressants, learning to actually feel things again. It’s been a long road to get to 40 feeling like myself.

But I’d take this version of 40 over any earlier version of me.

Whatever age you’re at, the work is worth it.

What’s one thing you’d tell your younger self? I’d love to hear from you. Leave it in the comments.

Leave a comment

As a technology nerd, I always enjoy learning and testing out the latest products and apps.

Never in my life has the technology improved so dramatically as with artificial intelligence in the past two years.

It’s been shocking to say the least.

The turning point for me was earlier this year. I built a fully functioning iOS app from scratch using AI, with no previous app development or coding experience.

I can use it every day on my iPhone!

Granted, it took me many hours of configuring everything to work in Apple’s app ecosystem and lots of testing. But, the sheer ability for me, somebody who’s never created an app before, to build a professional-looking journal app in days is truly astounding.

If someone with zero coding experience can build a functioning iOS app in a few days, you can probably guess where this is all heading.

Regardless of how you feel about AI, it’s not going away.

The top AI companies like OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google have too much capital behind them to slow down.

Many large US-based companies are actively working to incorporate AI into all facets of their business while cutting human jobs. (See: Meta, Amazon, Cisco Systems, Snap, Cloudflare, Ford/GM, Citibank, Walmart, etc.)

Are you worried? I certainly am.

Each week, I’m testing the latest AI models and seeing how advanced they are becoming. And how quickly they are evolving. And I’m reading about executives at these companies aggressively rolling out AI while posting record profits and announcing layoffs.

The sci-fi movies aren’t that far off anymore.

I have deep fears about what AI will do to our planet, humanity, society and the job market, not to mention our individual roles.

The more I use agentic AI tools, the more I’m realizing they are rapidly learning how to replicate the knowledge work I do, from building presentations and reports to automating actual complex workflows.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this existential anxiety.

How do we make sense of something this big, and figure out what, if anything, we can actually do about it?

Let’s Name the Fears

There are levels to these fears:

1. The macro level fear: The world is changing more rapidly than it ever has in ways I can’t control or stop.

2. The micro level fear: What does this all mean for me specifically—for my job, my income, my relevance, and my happiness?

These fears both combine for an existential angst I’ve been feeling for a while now.

It’s a deeply unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach coming from the fact that I’m not sure what jobs will look like in two years. Or five years. Let alone in 10 years.

The only thing I am confident in at this point is that AI isn’t going away.

So what are we supposed to do? How do we not lose ourselves to constant anxiety worrying about the future?

The Macro Fear—Stop Resisting It

Anxiety has taught me this over and over: the things I resist hardest are the things that cause me the most suffering.

The solution has been to stop focusing on things outside my control.

The cat is out of the bag with AI. There is far too much money that has been poured into AI for it to slow down now.

And neither can any of us individually stop it.

Sure, we can fight to keep data centers out of our neighborhoods (and we should). And we can vote for people who align with our views on how AI should shape our future (and we should).

But I cannot single-handedly stop OpenAI, Anthropic, Google, and others from continuing the AI arms race.

At least for me, I’ve accepted this is happening.

And while that doesn’t completely end my existential anxiety, it does allow me to choose to focus on what I can control.

The Micro Fear—The Fork in the Road

As I see it, there are two main options for us right now:

• Path A: You can choose to upskill around AI with the knowledge and skills that companies will be requiring moving forward, OR

• Path B: You can choose an AI-resilient path in skilled trades like HVAC, plumbing, electricians, barbers, physical therapists, etc. that require a physical presence, judgment calls, and human trust that can’t be replicated anytime soon.

Regardless of the path you choose, the important thing to realize is you have agency to make that decision for yourself.

I’ve already made my decision. I’ve been continuing down Path A for over a year now.

Practically, that's meant getting comfortable with tools I dismissed a year ago. Specifically for my day job, I use AI to draft, research, and automate parts of my workflows that used to take hours. I built that iOS app not just because it was interesting, but because I wanted to understand what these tools could actually do — and what they'd mean for someone like me.

The more I use them, the less they feel like a threat and the more they feel like leverage I actually have.

You might instead choose Path B. Choosing a field for its AI resilience is its own form of agency.

I've noticed for years that once I make a decision and start moving, the anxiety quiets down. Choosing to upskill myself with AI has been no different.

It’s not up to me to solve AI for humanity.

I just need to continue to improve my knowledge and ability, which is a much smaller, less anxiety-inducing task.

Bringing It Back to Anxiety

At the end of the day, this post isn’t just about technology. It’s about sharpening your mindset to reduce anxiety.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers when it comes to AI.

I still often wonder if I’m doing enough. And if the skills I’m building will even matter in five years.

What I have is the decision I’ve made, and the small sense of agency that comes with it. On the days the anxiety takes over, I can remind myself I’m doing what I can. And that’s enough for me.

What are you doing about it? I’d love to hear in the comments.

Leave a comment

For most of my adult life, I thought therapy was for people who couldn’t figure things out on their own.

I decided to start working with a therapist because I wanted to get my anxiety under control as I was tapering off an antidepressant I’d been on for 20 years.

I really was just looking for tools and tricks to help me as anxiety might come up throughout the process.

I also specifically chose a woman as my therapist so that I could practice being vulnerable and opening up to someone of the opposite sex. This has always been a challenge for me, because I’ve always equated vulnerability with weakness. And I knew that women were not attracted to weak men.

Turns out, sitting across from a woman and saying the hard things out loud was exactly the practice I needed.

And I learned quickly that my expectations didn’t match with reality once I got started.

What I Expected vs. What I Found

What I realized once I started therapy was that my anxiety went deeper than I imagined.

I thought everyday life stress was the driver of my anxiety and so I was looking for a few quick fixes. Easy, right?

What I found once I started the work was that to truly deal with the anxiety, I needed to turn inward and understand my inner world.

What causes me to feel anxious? What existential fears did I have? What core beliefs did I have that just aren’t true but I still believe?

My inner world was full of parts I didn’t even know existed.

My therapist has helped me to reveal these parts, understand their deep-seated beliefs, and teach me how to start working with them so they feel seen and at ease.

The Map & The Compass

Therapy gave me a mental map for my inner world, helping me connect the dots between my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions.

And then it gave me a compass to better navigate my life towards my true North Star, helping me to steer back in the right direction even when circumstances might occasionally cause me to get lost.

It’s helped me to really show up as the person I actually want to be, leading myself in ways I’ve not been able to in the past.

My self-talk is much more positive. I’m more compassionate with myself. When anxiety spikes, I can drop into my body and figure out what is actually scared — and talk to it.

This would’ve never been possible if I continued to try to figure everything out on my own.

What I Wish I Would’ve Known Before Starting

Not all therapists are the same — and neither are their approaches

Before I found my current therapist, I worked with two others in the past who didn’t really help me. Both leaned heavily on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which just didn’t resonate with me.

I didn’t know then that the modality and the person matter as much as the decision to go. A bad fit doesn’t mean therapy doesn’t work. It might just mean that therapist didn’t work for you.

You will probably go in thinking one thing is the problem

I went in for anxiety management tools. What I found was that the anxiety was a symptom of something much deeper. Go in with an open mind about what might actually come up. It’s probably not what you expect.

The first few sessions might feel like nothing is happening

Building trust with a therapist takes time. I left my first couple of sessions thinking, “When do we make progress?” That’s normal. The breakthroughs don’t come until the relationship has some foundation under it.

Discomfort in a session usually means you’re close to something important

When a topic makes you want to change the subject or you feel physically uncomfortable, that’s not a reason to back off.

In my experience, that’s usually exactly where the useful stuff is.

What I Was Wrong About

I spent years thinking I didn’t need therapy. I thought I could figure it out on my own. I thought needing help was weakness.

I was wrong on all three counts.

The work can be uncomfortable. But for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I actually know myself. And I know how to find my way back when I get lost.

I spent years thinking I could figure everything out alone. Turns out, I just needed the right person in the room.

If you’ve been on the fence about therapy, drop your questions in the comments. I can answer from my experience.

Leave a comment

I used to be embarrassed to admit this, but making friends as an adult has been really hard for me.

Yesterday, I golfed with a guy I didn’t know existed up until four months ago. We met at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the Winter.

We played in the same Winter League there and on the final weekend, he and his partner were paired up with me and mine.

We started talking about where he regularly golfs and he mentioned he was single, no kids, and likes to golf at some of the popular public courses around here I love.

My antennas went up.

I’m always looking for people to golf with and here we were, serendipitously meeting each other over our favorite activity.

It’s not always that easy.

The Problem With Making Friends in Your 30s

I’ve always had friends since I can remember. I played sports throughout my life, which gave me a strong base of guys I could make connections with.

And from there, there was school, the neighborhood, and then summer jobs. These were all rich opportunities to make friends.

When we are younger, we’re always in environments that foster opportunities to make friends. We don’t even have much say in the matter.

Once you become an adult, these opportunities started to dwindle.

This was even more true when I got sober.

I was no longer out at bars meeting people with my social lubricant flowing through my veins.

My 30s have become my loneliest decade by far and I don’t believe I’m alone in this. There’s a certain sadness that takes root when you realize your days of making fast friends in the schoolyard are over.

We fall into our routines, get stubborn about testing our edges, and fall into patterns that cause us to shut down.

I’ve found myself thinking many times, “I’ve always had friends. I shouldn’t need to make more friends.”

The last few years of my 30s have proven me wrong.

It’s not easy to hang out with my friends anymore. Most are married with kids. They need at least 28 business days’ notice to plan anything.

I’ve realized that I don’t have a lot of friends that are in a similar season as me.

And that’s a very humbling thing to feel.

Especially as a man, we do not like the vulnerability of opening up to a stranger.

I’ve written before about covert depression in men, which turns men inwards, focusing on unhealthy coping mechanisms like overworking, numbing behaviors, seclusion, and the like.

I’ve been here. We don’t reach out. We don’t initiate. We don’t ask for help. We keep everything surface-level.

But feeling this loneliness in your 30s is natural as the structures in your life break down and your friends go separate ways.

It’s simply time to build new structures.

Start With What You Already Love

I really enjoy golf, hot yoga and wellness-related stuff, and writing, just to name a few things.

I’ve made a few friends already just through being a member at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the winter.

I wanted to play in the Winter League there but didn’t have a partner, so I asked my buddy that works there if he had any ideas. He found me a partner who I’ve since become friends with and we’ll be playing in his Summer golf tournament at his country club in June.

It took a lot for me to actually ask my friend for a partner because a big part of me was trying to convince myself it wasn’t worth it. I could just keep practicing by myself.

I’m glad I pushed through.

Just Say Something

This is a silly one, but especially for me as an introvert, it can feel quite daunting to spark up a conversation.

I am always very aware of awkwardness, so the last thing I want to do is make an interaction awkward for someone else. Or make myself feel super awkward.

That often causes me to not say anything at all and just keep it moving. How many cool people have I missed out on meeting because I was too worried about being weird?

I still have to talk myself into it most of the time. But I’m continuing to press forward despite the fear of being judged or creating an awkward interaction.

An example of this was when I went to the baseball game by myself a few weekends ago. The old Andy would’ve sat in the stands scared to look around or talk to anyone lest they notice me there by myself.

Instead, I struck up an awesome conversation with the guy next to me who was manually keeping score of the game. I got to learn more about him. And we connected through the wonderful game of baseball.

All I had to do was be willing to ask him why he was doing it manually.

Someone Has to Go First

This is where I’ve struggled the most historically. Meeting someone face-to-face is one thing, but then texting or calling them later to ask them to do something? For me, that can feel needy. (Yes, I know now it’s not!)

When I met the guy I golfed with yesterday during Winter League, the course he mentioned he liked to play was one of my favorites. So I suggested we should play it sometime. And we exchanged numbers.

Now, whenever we’re looking for a person to golf with, we text each other to see if the other can play.

If either of us weren’t willing to initiate, it would’ve gone nowhere.

It takes some vulnerability, because I could always be ignored or shut down. Each time you practice this, it gets easier. The connection you build gives you more confidence that more of your people are out there.

As I was golfing yesterday, I thought about how cool it was to be golfing with this guy I had just met a few months before.

Four months ago he was a stranger. Yesterday we played 18 holes. Funny how that works.

What are some hobbies or activities you’ve made friends through? Let me know in the comments.

Leave a comment

At almost 40 years old, I wake up every single morning alone.

Trust me when I say I did not expect this.

I wasn’t planning on being single and childless entering my 40th birthday.

I had these expectations throughout my life that I would have already met the love of my life, we’d have fallen deeply in love, got married, and had kids.

I’ve been deeply in love, but unfortunately, that hasn’t been enough.

The Grief is Real

There is a bone-chillingly deep grief that comes from mourning the life that eludes you.

For men and women, it gets tied to our inherent value.

We know the expectations society has on us.

We feel the awkwardness when we meet people and they realize we’re not married and don’t have kids.

I’ve been asked many times “Married? Kids?” and purposely made a joke that I have an 8-year-old pitbull just to fill the awkwardness.

And it becomes even more painful when those are the things I want.

I acknowledge that my path brought me here. There are a lot of things I would change in my past that might have made my reality today different.

It’s difficult and uncomfortable to sit with, knowing that my patterns, fears, and choices contributed to my current situation.

But I cannot change the past. I can only learn from it.

And wishing my past was different is a form of resistance that only causes me deeper suffering.

Resistance is the Root of Suffering

My friend sent me a Martha Beck podcast to listen to about suffering. In it, Martha describes a very buddhist concept that resistance is what causes all of our emotional suffering.

She introduces this equation:

Pain x resistance = suffering

Remember, anything multiplied by 0 is 0. Meaning, no resistance, no suffering.

Pain is unavoidable. You will not go through life without bad things happening.

But we can control the amount that we let ourselves suffer by choosing to accept the situations we’re in.

When I’ve chosen to walk through life focused on what I didn’t have, I was indirectly choosing to add to my suffering.

The Unexpected Gifts

By focusing on the pain, by giving it power through resistance, I was missing out on the almost infinite possibilities I have as a single man.

I’ve achieved a mental clarity and true sense of knowing myself I doubt I could’ve achieved in different circumstances.

I likely wouldn’t have felt the need to create this Above Anxiety outlet for me to share my experiences and lessons with others.

I also wouldn't have been able to work on the lonely boy part inside of me, meaning I would have taken that wounded part into relationships and expected my partner to heal him.

These are all blessings that I hadn’t considered before, but I’m now deeply grateful for the opportunities.

How I’m Moving Forward

I still wake up alone every single morning. What’s different is what I choose to do with it.

I choose to focus on loving myself everyday, improving myself through my words and actions, and most of all, I choose to keep my heart open to the love that I know I deserve and will come to me.

I cannot control when that love shows up. But I can control how I show up in the world every single day. And I choose to show up as a strong, regulated man that leads with his heart.

That is what will attract the right person for me.

If you're carrying grief about a life that hasn't looked the way you planned, what is this season quietly building in you that you haven't given yourself credit for yet?

I’d love to hear in the comments. Thank you so much for reading.

Leave a comment

On September 9, 2019, I had my last drink of alcohol.

It ended with me blacking out, fighting with my then-girlfriend on the phone, and calling my sister-in-law out of the blue with questions about death — still reeling from losing my dad a few years earlier.

I came home the next morning and she told me that I had to stop drinking or she’d break up with me.

And honestly, I’m glad she did. I’m not sure I would have been able to take that first big step by myself.

But since then, I’ve continued walking the path of sobriety one step at a time. One day at a time.

It’s hard to believe it’ll be seven years in September, but I’m extremely grateful for how far I’ve come. And I can’t imagine ever going back to the way I was living.

I wrote a while back about why I stopped drinking. This is what I've learned in the years since.

1. You Have to Do It For Yourself

You might not decide to completely stop drinking. That’s ok. Not everybody is the same. Not everybody struggles with alcohol the way I did.

But if you do decide to quit for good, it has to be for yourself.

Stopping for a partner, family member, or any other external factor can help to get you started, but it will not sustain you.

My ex-girlfriend's ultimatum got me to stop. But what kept me stopped was realizing I no longer wanted to live the old way.

External pressure can open the door. Only you can walk through it.

2. Your Friends Can Either Help or Hurt You—And You’ll Lose Some

Many of us have friends that are really acquaintances of circumstance. And often, those circumstances revolve around drinking.

I had a few friends I only hung out with because they were always down to drink.

When I made the decision to stop drinking, I no longer had much in common with them. I had to move on.

But be careful of these types of friends that do not take your sobriety news well. They might be running out of friends to go drink with as other friends get married and have kids. They’ll take this news as a personal affront. “Why are you being such a baby? Just come out for a few drinks. You don’t have to black out, you know!”

True friends will support you no matter what. A real friend has no problem with you not drinking—they might even think it's cool. And they'll still want to hang out with you, even if they're still drinking themselves.

Choose your friends wisely. Invest in the ones that continue to invest in you.

3. Weekends Can Be the Toughest

If you’re like me, your weekends were mostly spent out drinking and having fun and then recovering alone at home.

I did this for many years, going out Friday and Saturday nights. Recovering Saturday and Sunday mornings.

The thrill I got from drinking and socializing on Friday always gave way to anxiety and isolation the next morning.

It was a weekend full of both extremes. But I was at least busy doing things.

When I got sober, my weekends became completely open. Friday nights got tough because I would work all day and then do…nothing at night except for maybe watch a movie.

I went from being social to avoiding social events because of the drinking. And in turn, spent lots of time alone at home.

I wasn’t prepared for all this empty time.

What I learned was I needed to lean on friends and family for connection, find new (and old) hobbies to keep me busy (I've been vibe coding an iOS app in my spare time), and learn how to enjoy quiet time alone. I'm still working on that last one.

4. You Will Be Judged—And That’s Totally Fine

I’ve had plenty of experiences where people have had less than stellar reactions to me telling them I wasn’t drinking. I remember a friend of a friend making a joke that I was a “pussy” for not drinking anymore. Imagine that.

What I’ve realized is people who are drinking can often become uncomfortable around someone who’s sober because it makes them self-conscious about their own drinking. I can empathize with that.

As you might’ve picked up on if you’ve been reading my newsletter for a while, I’m a very authentic person.

It’s taken time to get to this point, but when I stopped drinking, I also stopped caring what people thought about my drinking or lack thereof.

By now, it’s second nature for me to explain to somebody that I’m good with water, I don’t drink anymore. And if someone inquires more, I’m comfortable telling them why.

Feeling comfortable saying no to drinking, and explaining why when you want to, is simply a muscle that you have to build.

But remember, you don’t really owe anyone an explanation.

5. You'll Have to Relearn How to Have Fun

When I stopped drinking, I realized that I now had to learn how to do a lot of things without alcohol in my system. One of the big ones was going on dates sober.

In the past, I would have a few beers at least at the beginning of the date to loosen up. My first few dates sober were pretty awkward. Not only am I meeting someone for the first time ever on a date, but now I'm doing it completely sober.

Another big one was going to weddings sober. What used to be a party turned into a test of endurance—the slow realization that drunk people get a lot less fun and interesting when you're sober.

The good news is, you can have fun doing anything sober.

I learned that I’m a very engaging person, even without drinking. And that’s given me more confidence moving forward.

6. I’ve Never Felt More Alive

By now, maybe you’re thinking, “Not drinking sounds like a lot of work. It sounds terrible!”

I promise you, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.

I save thousands of dollars each year. I sleep better. I'm healthier. I'm less anxious. And I've learned who I really am by spending time with my sober self.

You don’t have to go completely sober to get these benefits. Try cutting down your drinking and see if you notice anything positive.

I've never felt more alive. Waking up every day sober is a big part of that.

One Question Before You Go

If you’re thinking about your relationship with alcohol, you don’t need to have the answer today.

You also don’t need to wait until rock bottom to make a change.

My goal with this post is to get you thinking.

Are you happy with the role alcohol plays in your life right now?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Leave a comment

It took me two hours to decide to buy a baseball ticket.

Not because I couldn’t afford it. Not because I didn’t want to go. But because every friend I asked was busy, which meant I’d have to go alone. And my inner critic had a lot of opinions about that.

“People will think you’re weird.”

“They’ll think you must not have friends.”

“Women won’t like you.”

As a sober 39-year-old with mostly married friends, my weekends have become very quiet.

In that quiet, I’ve come face-to-face with my “edge.”

What is an Edge, Anyway?

Your edge is the specific point where your discomfort becomes loud enough to make a decision for you — usually the decision to stay home, stay safe, or stay small.

Your edges might be very different than mine, but we all have them.

I’m here to tell you today, if you want to live a full life, you need to find your edges and learn how to calmly go beyond them.

The Reds Game

The Los Angeles Angels are in town this weekend playing my Cincinnati Reds. I’ve been a Reds fan my entire life and my dad and I shared a love of watching their games. I watch almost all their games, even despite how bad they’ve been in the last 20+ years.

The Angels have a future Hall of Famer on their team, the great Mike Trout. I’ve never seen Mike Trout play in person, so the last few days, I’ve been wanting to go watch him play.

Previously, this edge would’ve kept me at home, watching the game by myself, feeling lonely.

Instead, I decided to not listen and test my edge. Could I go to this game by myself and have fun without worrying about what other people were thinking about me?

Not a single person gave me a weird look. And even if they did, who cares?

I had a fun, relaxing time at the game and I sat next to a guy that was by himself and had a great conversation.

He was keeping score manually on a scorecard and so I asked him about that. He mentioned he was a Cubs fan who just wanted to catch a game. But his dad and his grandpa always kept the score manually on a scorecard when they went to games, so he does it out of habit, too.

Yesterday, I sanded down an edge. I truly believe that each time we do this work, we live more in alignment with who we are meant to be.

Finding Your Edge

So how do you go about finding your edges and then pushing through them?

Let’s focus on three simple steps:

Step 1: Identify your edge

This requires awareness. When and where does your inner critic get the loudest? What are the situations in which you are the most uncomfortable? These are edges.

Step 2: Take a micro step

Once you’ve found an edge, you can choose to take a micro step. I’m not asking you to go do some elaborate thing, like signing up to run a marathon if you’re scared to exercise around other people.

Start with something small like walking outside in your neighborhood for 10 minutes. The bigger action you try to take, the lower your chances are of actually going through with it.

Start small and build up your momentum. That’s how you make lasting progress.

Step 3: Notice the shift

Once you do it, notice how the edge moves out a little further. You’re moving the goalposts one micro step at a time.

Imagine what you can accomplish if you continually take small micro actions to push your boundaries and increase your capacity.

My next solo mission is doing a breathwork workshop at my hot yoga studio this Friday. I’m already a little anxious about it. It will be a much more intimate environment and I’ve never done breathwork around others before. But I’m excited to further smooth this edge down.

Your Next Micro-Step

You don’t have to overhaul your life this weekend. You don’t have to suddenly become the guy who travels the world solo or the one who is perfectly comfortable in every uncomfortable situation.

Just look for one small edge. One tiny area where your inner critic is keeping you playing smaller than you need to be. Step into that discomfort, just for a moment, and see what happens on the other side.

I’d love to hear from you: What is an “edge” you’ve been avoiding? Or, if you’re already practicing this, what is one thing you actually love doing by yourself? Let me know in the comments.

We are all working on this together.

Thank you so much for reading.

Leave a comment

For some people, rest does not feel peaceful at first. It feels wrong.

You finally have some free time. Nothing urgent is happening. You should feel relieved.

Instead, you feel restless. Guilty. Exposed.

Your mind starts telling you that you should be doing something more productive. That everyone else is out living a fuller life. That you’re wasting time or falling behind.

I’ve spent plenty of Sundays anxious with no real plans, feeling like the world was passing me by. I’d imagine my friends out doing fun things with their families while I sat at home watching TV or looking at my phone.

We live in a culture that often confuses busyness with worth. So stillness can feel uncomfortable, exposing, even like failure.

If relaxing makes you uneasy, there’s probably a reason.

Why Relaxing Can Feel Bad

First, your body may be used to being “on.”

If you live with chronic stress, your system gets used to motion, pressure, and mental noise. Being on edge starts to feel normal.

So when life finally gets quiet, peace can feel uncomfortable.

Second, rest removes distraction.

Sometimes people are not afraid of rest itself. They are afraid of what shows up when the distractions are gone. When you stop doing, you may have to feel what you’ve been avoiding.

Third, you may believe rest has to be earned.

A lot of us tell ourselves, “Once I get everything done, then I can relax.” But everything is never fully done. There will always be more laundry, more emails, more dishes, and more loose ends waiting for your attention.

My Experience

I relate to all three of those reasons, but the second one hits me the hardest.

One thing I’m working on this year is getting more comfortable with quiet time at home. Through therapy, I’ve realized how active my inner critic can be during unstructured alone time.

It tells me I’m behind. It tells me I should be working on something more meaningful. It tries to turn quiet into shame.

I’ve realized I often try to fill my weekends not just because connection matters to me, but because too much unstructured alone time feels uncomfortable. It’s easier to stay busy than to sit still and hear what my mind has to say.

Here’s What to Do Instead

I’m learning not to force relaxation, but to ease into it.

That might look like five minutes of meditation. Reading outside for fifteen minutes. Walking my dog without trying to turn it into something productive. Sitting on my deck for a few minutes with no music, no podcast, and no task. Just being there.

I’m learning how to sit with quiet without filling every second with TV, music, or podcasts.

Rest Is Necessary

You do not need to become great at relaxing overnight. The work is getting more comfortable with it. Letting your body and mind settle without feeling like you have to earn it.

For some people, peace and quiet feel strange before they feel safe. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Your body just isn’t used to it yet.

Rest is not something you have to earn. It is part of being human.

What does rest feel like in your body: peace, guilt, or restlessness?

Leave a comment

I once signed up for a conference because I genuinely wanted to learn. The room was full of smart, growth-minded people. On paper, I should have felt right at home. Instead, I felt anxious and completely alone.

Why was that?

Sometimes anxiety is not random. Sometimes it’s a sign that your environment, energy, and stimulation level are out of sync with how you’re wired.

I’ve learned that large social settings, especially with strangers, overstimulate me quickly. I’m naturally introverted, so even when I show up well socially, it still costs me energy.

I can speak to a room full of strangers for an hour. I recently went back to my high school and spoke to 60–70 juniors and seniors about my journey with anxiety and alcohol abuse, the lessons I’ve learned, and a few tools that can help them live a more grounded life.

After I gave the speech, I drove 50 minutes back to Cincinnati in complete silence.

That contrast taught me a lot about what drains me, what restores me, and why my anxiety shows up when it does.

The better I understand those patterns, the easier it becomes to manage my energy and anxiety.

Stop Moralizing, Start Observing

For a long time, my inner critic beat me up for not being more like my extroverted friends.

I grew up around people who were naturally outgoing and energized by constant interaction, so I assumed that was the standard.

I judged myself for not being more social, more energized by groups, or more comfortable in highly stimulating environments. I thought something was wrong with me when really, I just didn’t understand my own patterns yet.

That changed when I stopped judging myself and started paying attention. Part of that inner work was better understanding my personality, my energy, and the kinds of stimulation that affect me most.

How can you do that? Let’s break it down into three buckets: personality, energy, and stimulation.

Your Personality Patterns

Notice your natural tendencies so you can better understand yourself instead of holding yourself to standards that don’t actually fit you.

• Do you recharge around people or away from them?

• Do you like spontaneity or do you do better with a plan?

• Do you enjoy deep conversation but get drained by small talk?

• Do you thrive in calm environments or constant activity?

Your personality patterns shape more of your daily stress than you may realize. They influence what drains you, what restores you, and which environments quietly put your nervous system on edge.

When I answer those questions, my introversion shows up pretty quickly:

I recharge away from people, do better with a plan, and feel much more at ease in calm environments than highly stimulating ones. I love deep conversation, but constant small talk, especially with people I don’t know, drains me fast.

Your Energy Patterns

You can’t manage your energy well if you don’t know what drains you and what restores you.

And to be clear, time and energy are not the same thing. You can have plenty of room in your calendar and still not have the capacity for what’s on it.

A lot of anxiety comes from saying yes based on time available instead of energy available.

Think about these questions:

• When do you feel sharpest during the day?

• What consistently drains you?

• What genuinely restores you?

• How much social time is too much?

• How many obligations can you handle in one day before stress and anxiety start to rise?

Your Stimulation Patterns

The better you understand your personality and energy, the easier it becomes to notice what overstimulates you.

Overstimulation can feel a lot like anxiety. Your heart speeds up, your chest tightens, and suddenly everything feels like too much.

A few common overstimulation triggers:

• Crowded places

• Too much noise

• Too much phone time

• Back-to-back plans

• Too many decisions

• Emotionally intense people

• Work all day plus socializing at night with no reset

The big ones for me are crowded places and lots of plans on the same day without being able to reset.

A full day in a wedding party can be very overstimulating, especially when you know you need to stay grounded and present the whole time.

The last wedding I was in, I knew the day would be a lot for me. That morning I went for a walk, then sat outside to journal and meditate before the rest of the activities started.

Throughout the day, I took breaks whenever I could, especially before I gave the best man’s speech to almost 200 people. Those breaks helped me stay regulated so I could show up as my best self.

Start Tracking What Restores You and What Drains You

Here are some questions I would suggest you start tracking over time:

• What activities leave me calmer afterward?

• What environments make me tense without me realizing it?

• Who do I feel grounded around?

• What social situations take more out of me than I care to admit?

• What does a good day have in common?

• What does a draining day have in common?

As you’re doing this reflection, also notice if that annoying little inner critic drops in to judge you based on your answers.

Your job is simply to notice what’s true without judging yourself for it.

Plan Your Life Around Reality, Not Guilt

Once you understand your patterns, you can start to build a life around what actually restores you.

There are plenty of things I have to do that drain me. I’m able to reduce a lot of that anxiety now because I understand where it comes from, and I can build recovery into my schedule before I hit a wall.

The goal isn’t to control your life perfectly. That won’t ever be possible. But you can understand yourself well enough that your days stop working against you.

What’s one thing you’ve noticed lately that drains you, and one thing that genuinely restores you?

Leave a comment and let me know!

Leave a comment

The most profound lesson I’ve learned these past few years is something I already knew, but didn’t truly believe.

I matter.

I am enough. Just as I am.

Even with good parents, a lot of us still learned to measure ourselves by output, status, and approval.

A lot of us were taught that our worth had to be earned.

How many of you have gone to a friend’s house and immediately noticed something you wished you had?

Maybe they have a beautiful kitchen, a bigger house, or the kind of family life you’ve always wanted.

Those moments can make us feel small. Jealous. Insecure. We start asking questions like, “Why do they get that life and I don’t?”

Here’s the truth:

Those things do not determine your value.

I want you to really take this in: you do not have to prove anything to matter.

Your value as a human being is inherent simply because you are a human being.

That’s the message today.

You do not need to earn your worth. You already have it.

Go spend your time building a life that aligns with your values, not chasing proof that you matter.

Have a great Sunday!

Leave a comment

I’ve struggled in the past to be a rock for someone else when they’re falling apart.

My immediate thought was always, “Well, let me figure out what the problem is. And then let’s fix it.”

For someone with a dysregulated nervous system, logic and reason are basically offline. That’s why your best advice won’t land in that moment. Their alarm system is activated, and fight-or-flight has taken the wheel.

I never understood why my significant other would get mad at me. I’m trying to help you. Why are you lashing out at me?

Here’s what I didn’t understand back then: co-regulation isn’t about saying the perfect thing or solving the problem on the spot. It’s about staying steady. Being with them. Letting their nervous system borrow your calm long enough to come back down.

How can you better show up for someone else when they’re dysregulated? Here’s the simplest way I know to do it.

What is Co-Regulation?

If you read last week’s post, this will be a quick refresher.

Co-regulation is when one person’s nervous system helps calm someone else’s. Just being near someone steady can slow your heart rate and deepen your breathing.

And something interesting: humans aren’t the only mammals that co-regulate. Plenty of other animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, help each other regulate their nervous systems.

So what do you actually do in the moment? Here’s the simplest framework I’ve found.

How to Be STEADY

You don’t need to memorize this acronym. The goal for you is to recognize someone needs help, regulate yourself first, and then be there with empathy and reassurance.

• S – Settle yourself first: Exhale. Shoulders down. Relax your jaw.

• T – Tone low, pace slow: How you talk with someone who’s dysregulated matters. Lower your tone, speak softly, and slow your pace.

• E – Empathy: “That sounds heavy.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.”

• A – Ask what they need: “How can I help?” Sometimes they won’t know what they need, so move on to the next step.

• D – Direct them to the body: Help them get back into their body. Have them focus on long, deep, slow breaths. They can focus on the pressure of their feet on the floor or their body in a chair. Have them name objects and colors they can see in the room. The goal is to get them out of their mind.

• Y – You stay present: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe. I’ve got you.”

Keep in mind: If you get activated and your nervous system is on overdrive, this will only make things worse for them. Your job is to be the steady helper in the moment.

Sometimes, you might not be in a position to be steady. That’s okay. Your job then is to help that person find someone else who can.

What NOT To Do

You have the ability to calm someone else down. You also have the ability to make things even worse.

Here are some things to avoid in the moment:

• Don’t try to minimize what they’re feeling. “You’re fine. Relax.”

• Don’t try to rationalize their fear. “You’re not dying. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

• Don’t try to problem-solve.

• Don’t ask a bunch of questions.

• Don’t make it about you.

Anxiety doesn’t respond to a lecture. It responds to safety.

Be That Safety for Someone Else

We aren’t meant to regulate alone. Our nervous systems are built to settle with the help of others.

The best gift you can give someone when they’re dysregulated is your presence and steadiness.

You don’t need to be a therapist. All it takes is your awareness and calm.

You can do it.

What’s the most helpful thing someone has said to you or done for you when you were spiraling? Let me know in the comments.

Leave a comment

Intuitively, we all know that there are people you don’t feel comfortable around. And people who feel like home.

Most of us were never taught to trust that signal. We override it with other emotions: attraction, obsession, the need to be chosen.

We are social creatures, and we often forget that we need each other for regulation.

Especially here in America, where we idolize independence, we don’t get taught something basic: we’re supposed to help each other regulate.

Here’s what co-regulation is, why it works, and how to ask for it without feeling weird.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the biological process of using someone else’s nervous system to calm your own. We’re wired for connection, but many of us were taught to treat that as “needy.”

When you’re dysregulated, your nervous system is in threat mode, defaulting to fight or flight instead of calm reasoning and reassurance.

For that dysregulated person, this is often terrifying and disorienting. Dealing with this alone can be one of the scariest experiences, because it can feel like you’re losing control of your mind and body.

Co-regulation can be the antidote to that spiral and often requires nothing more than someone else’s calm, regulated nervous system in proximity to you (or even on the phone).

The most interesting thing to me about co-regulation is that humans are not the only mammals that do this.

Did you know:

• Dogs: Can sync heart rate variability (HRV) with their owners during interaction. Your dog can literally help regulate your nervous system.

• Elephants: Use touch and proximity to calm each other in response to distress.

• Chimps: Groom one another to reduce anxiety through physical touch and can show measurable decreases in heart rate and cortisol (the stress hormone).

Being around someone calm can lower your baseline anxiety and help you regulate in moments of distress.

How it Actually Works

Our bodies are constantly monitoring for threats and safety at an unconscious level.

We’re monitoring facial expressions, tone, proximity, touch, connection, and a whole host of other factors to assess if we’re safe.

Being near someone (or even on the phone with them) with a calm nervous system can help you match their pace. It doesn’t happen instantly. But with a little time, your body downshifts: you relax, your heart rate drops, and your breathing slows.

That’s one of the best parts about being human.

Our presence can greatly affect someone else’s nervous system. We can either dysregulate others or regulate them simply by how we show up.

How to Ask for Co-Regulation

Understanding all of this, many of us are still too damn proud or too scared to ask for help.

We pride ourselves on our independence, feel shame for asking for help, and don’t even know how to ask for it.

Here are some ideas for how to ask for co-regulation when you really need it.

Scripts:

• “I’m feeling _______ right now. Do you mind if I quietly hang out with you for a little bit to calm down?”

• “Do you mind sitting with me (or talking with me) for a few minutes?”

• “Can I call you? I’m feeling _________ and just need to hear someone’s calm voice.”

The hard truth about emotions like anxiety and shame is that they are amplified in isolation. It’s very easy to spiral when you’re alone trying to manage heavy or intense emotions by yourself.

Part of leading and loving yourself is asking for help when you need it.

This does not make you weak or a burden. People who truly love you show up for you when you need them. Just like you show up for them.

Action Item: Think about a few friends or family members who would make calm co-regulators. You can save this as a list on your phone, a favorite in your contacts, or just make a mental note.

Bonus points: Ask them ahead of time to be a part of your team so they understand the mission. And if you feel confident enough, you can mention you’ll be there for them as well.

When feelings get too big to handle alone, you want to be able to quickly catch them and choose who to connect with in the moment.

We Are Not Meant to Regulate Alone

Humans are social creatures, despite how many of us live these days.

Co-regulation isn’t some new woo-woo activity that an influencer created. It’s biology, and we’re just one of many species that has learned how to calm each other down and make each other feel safe.

On your toughest days, don’t try to numb your way out of anxiety. If possible, lean on your support system to get you back to equilibrium.

Next week: I’ll cover how to help someone else regulate when they’re spiraling (and what not to do).

When you’re spiraling, what do you usually do first: isolate or reach out? Let me know in the comments.

Leave a comment

No matter what was going on in my life, I used to struggle with leading myself. I was like a leaf, blowing wherever the wind or other people took me.

I had no concept of why I was the way I was. Why I reacted certain ways. What patterns I kept repeating. And I definitely didn’t know how to weather storms.

I didn’t have outbursts. I silently imploded.

I learned not to trust my intuition or my ability to handle whatever came next.

It wasn’t until I learned about “parts work” through Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I began to take the wheel on my own life.

It’s the most profound work I’ve ever done, and I use it daily to care for my inner parts and lead myself from a calm, collected center (my “Self”).

Brief Intro to Internal Family Systems

IFS is a therapeutic framework developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz to help people understand their inner world and lead from their benevolent Self energy.

IFS says we have an inner family of parts that developed to protect us from situations we couldn’t handle. It’s made up of a few key elements:

• Managers: Proactive protectors that try to keep life controlled and predictable so you don’t get hurt. They show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, staying busy, staying “good,” or trying to manage everyone’s perception of you.

• Firefighters: Reactive protectors that rush in when the pain gets unbearable to shut it down. These are the parts behind numbing, escaping, compulsive distractions, overworking, bingeing—anything that gives immediate relief.

• Exiles: The younger, vulnerable parts that carry the original pain: fear, shame, grief, loneliness, “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m unsafe.” Managers and firefighters often work hard to keep these exiled feelings from being felt because they’re so difficult to deal with.

• Self: Who you are at your core. Your calm, grounded center. This isn’t another part that needs fixing. It’s the leader. The goal is to work with your protectors from Self to care for your inner system.

If this sounds a little strange at first, stay with me.

“Parts” is just language for something you already know is true: you’re not the same person when you’re calm as when you’re triggered. IFS gives you a way to notice that shift and choose who leads.

To drive this home, let me give you an example from my life.

A Quick Example of Parts in Real Life

My Panic Manager

I have a panic part of me that developed when I had my first panic attack at 18 and thought I was dying. That trauma still lives in my body.

It gets activated when I feel sensations that remind me of that panic attack, like when my heart starts racing for no reason.

A Manager part formed to prevent that from ever happening again. It became obsessed with control. It tried to control variables in my life to avoid anything that might spike anxiety, because I learned anxiety grew into panic. And panic was terrifying.

That showed up in simple ways:

• I wanted to drive to everything “just in case” I needed to leave.

• I avoided traveling far because the idea of panicking away from my support systems felt unbearable.

Your parts develop to shield and protect you from things you didn’t yet have the ability to handle. A lot of times, they end up hurting you despite wanting to help.

I’ve missed out on experiences and connections because my Manager part was trying to protect me from the possibility of panic.

My Panic Firefighter

Firefighters are more intense. Their job is to put out the fire by any means necessary. People with addictions often have very active Firefighters that use substances to shield them from their most intense feelings and memories.

I have a panic Firefighter that would come online when I was really anxious, and it often used alcohol.

If I put myself in an overwhelming situation, like a house party with lots of people I didn’t know, I’d use alcohol to put the anxiety fire out.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t solving anything. I was making it worse once the alcohol wore off.

Accepting and Loving Your Parts

Therapy has been instrumental in my ability to understand my parts and lead from Self.

It’s also helped me accept and love them.

When you get triggered, a part takes the wheel. It starts doing what it learned to do a long time ago. And most of our parts are earlier, younger versions of ourselves, so they don’t always behave in helpful, mature ways.

I’ve learned that love is choosing to lead my parts by connecting with them, reassuring them I’m here, and asking them to quiet down and let me lead.

What Self-Leadership Looks Like

This has been the most profound work of my life. Even during the hardest moments this past year, I’ve been able to show up, lead my parts, and stay rooted in Self, even when it hurts.

I’m not perfect. I still find myself ruminating too long, wallowing, and not catching it fast enough.

But like most things, it’s a muscle. With practice, you catch it sooner and you lead more.

Now when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I can take a step back and ask, “Who’s active right now? Who’s hurting?” Once you know your parts, this gets a lot easier.

Here are five steps you can follow next time you feel activated:

1. Notice the takeover

   • “I’m activated”

   • Body cues (tight chest, racing mind, urge to fix)

2. Name the part (and unblend — remind yourself: this is a part, not all of you)

   • “A younger part is here”

   • “This is a part of me, not all of me”

3. Get curious (2–3 questions)

   • “What are you afraid will happen?”

   • “What are you trying to protect me from?”

   • “What do you need from me right now?”

4. Lead (reassure + set a boundary)

   • “I hear you”

   • “You’re not driving today”

   • “We can feel this without reacting”

   • “We’ll take one clean step”

5. Choose a regulated next action

   • Pick one: walk, breathwork, journaling, hot yoga, call a friend, or time-box rumination

The other thing I do when I feel really activated is remind the part who I am now. Why should it listen to me?

I remind it that I’m a 39-year-old man who knows so much more about myself and about life. I remind the part how much work I’ve done so it can trust me, release the wheel, and let me start steering.

As I mentioned, these parts are often earlier versions of us.

18-year-old me wasn’t prepared for stress, anxiety, or panic attacks. But 39-year-old me is a damn veteran dealing with these things. I can handle it. The part doesn’t need to.

I’ve had many of these conversations with my parts, and I always feel better afterward. Lighter. More in control. More able to focus on what I actually need in that moment.

That’s true Self-leadership.

Start Small

You don’t need to be an IFS expert to get value from it today.

Next time you feel yourself spiraling, notice that a part of you is activated.

Ask: “What is it protecting me from?”

And respond with compassion and leadership: “I’m here. I’ve got you. Let me lead. I can handle it.”

The goal isn’t to silence your parts, but to become the leader your parts trust.

You’ll notice your parts start to quiet down once you’ve shown them you can be that trusted leader.

If you’d like to read more about IFS, I highly suggest reading Dr. Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts.

If this resonated, reply in the comments: what “part” shows up for you most often—the critic, the fixer, the pleaser, or the numbing part?

If you want, tell me what tends to trigger it. I read every reply.

Leave a comment