I turned 40 years old this past Wednesday, which is a big milestone.

It typically garners lots of introspection:

• “Am I where I want to be in life?”

• “Doing what I want to be doing?”

• “With the person I want to be with?”

• “Am I happy?”

Turning 40 wasn’t quite as dramatic for me because I’ve had a head start asking myself these questions.

I’ve had multiple mid-life crises before I reached 40. Once when my Dad died. And a long, painful one when a relationship ended.

I’ve spent some time reflecting on my life, especially hard-fought lessons I’ve learned over the last few years.

Here's what the last decade has actually taught me.

Lesson 1: Your Body Tells You The Whole Time

We’re not taught what stress and anxiety feels like in our body, especially as kids.

What we are taught is how to mask everything. How to numb.

“Hard day at work? Have a cocktail!”

“Feeling stressed? Go binge Netflix and have a pint of ice cream.”

It took me until I was 38 to realize my body had been trying to tell me something the whole time. It wasn’t there to hurt me. It was telling me when I was living out of alignment with who I actually was.

For me, the solution wasn't to numb it away. It was to dive inward and understand where that anxiety was coming from.

It came from deep fears like not being enough, being abandoned, not being lovable, and not having mattered in this world.

That’s the work I’ve done in therapy that has changed my life.

My therapist has helped me to identify core beliefs that are flat wrong, and to build more accurate and positive core beliefs, like I matter because I’m human, not because I’ve achieved anything of substance.

Lesson 2: Intimate Relationships Are Mirrors for Your Inner Child Work

Nobody can trigger you quite like your partner.

As I mentioned in Lesson 1, we all have core beliefs that are built from deep fears. These live under the surface in our subconscious and we often don’t know they exist.

Understanding your relationship patterns is important to identifying and then working through these fears.

I have a lonely boy part inside of me that was severely triggered when my last relationship ended. This fear of abandonment and loneliness caused my inner critic to pick me apart, making me feel unworthy, unchosen, and hopeless in finding another partner I was so madly in love with.

I’ve gone through most of my life single and I’ve often felt like women never wanted to really know the true me. They were only attracted to my external factors that weren’t really who I was.

Because of that, I’ve not had many women that have fully seen me and loved all of my parts.

In past relationships, I’ve always been the avoidant partner who learned to shut down and dismiss because that’s how I’ve seen most men in my life act. And it was much easier for my anxiety to run away than sit in the fire and talk through hard things.

For the first time in my life, I'm learning to actually sit in the fire instead of running from it.

Lesson 3: We All Get Healthy Masculinity Wrong

Neither men nor women fully understand healthy masculinity. And it's not entirely our fault.

The version of masculinity that has been sold to us is a lie. Us men want to be the big, gruff, movie hero types that are ass kickers. Think John Rambo (Rambo) or John McClane (Die Hard).

Men learn that women are attracted to these types and women learn that these types will keep them safe.

These characters embody the essence of toxic masculinity and it’s worth calling out that we don’t live inside a movie. We live in reality, where we have responsibilities, needs, and wants.

John McClane is divorced—a bad husband and father. A functioning alcoholic. An asshole that pisses off almost everybody he comes into contact with.

This is who we want our men to be?

Many of us men are constrained by what we think society expects of us: be strong, be stoic, avoid vulnerability and deep connection, etc.. And so we refuse to change.

It’s time we all recognize what healthy masculinity is and support that version: Men that show up for women consistently, respectfully, protectively, and supportively are the men that are good husbands, good fathers, and good community members.

Lesson 4: The Habits Were Never the Point

I used to think that healing my nervous system from the anxiety I was running from was strictly about the practices I was doing.

If I do enough hot yoga, or meditation, or journaling, or this or that, my nervous system gets healed and I have no more anxiety.

Part of this can be true. These practices all help to lower my baseline level of stress and anxiety. That’s certainly been helpful in my everyday life.

However, I was just hoping doing enough things would change my life.

What I realized was these habits were part of a larger journey where I learned to show up for myself.

I learned that I can control so much more of my life than I thought. I wake up every morning now and do the work because I've learned I'm worth showing up for.

The habits were there to help me lower my regular stress and anxiety. But building a better relationship with myself was the real work.

Finally

None of this came easy.

Sobriety, therapy, my continued journey with antidepressants, learning to actually feel things again. It’s been a long road to get to 40 feeling like myself.

But I’d take this version of 40 over any earlier version of me.

Whatever age you’re at, the work is worth it.

What’s one thing you’d tell your younger self? I’d love to hear from you. Leave it in the comments.

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As a technology nerd, I always enjoy learning and testing out the latest products and apps.

Never in my life has the technology improved so dramatically as with artificial intelligence in the past two years.

It’s been shocking to say the least.

The turning point for me was earlier this year. I built a fully functioning iOS app from scratch using AI, with no previous app development or coding experience.

I can use it every day on my iPhone!

Granted, it took me many hours of configuring everything to work in Apple’s app ecosystem and lots of testing. But, the sheer ability for me, somebody who’s never created an app before, to build a professional-looking journal app in days is truly astounding.

If someone with zero coding experience can build a functioning iOS app in a few days, you can probably guess where this is all heading.

Regardless of how you feel about AI, it’s not going away.

The top AI companies like OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google have too much capital behind them to slow down.

Many large US-based companies are actively working to incorporate AI into all facets of their business while cutting human jobs. (See: Meta, Amazon, Cisco Systems, Snap, Cloudflare, Ford/GM, Citibank, Walmart, etc.)

Are you worried? I certainly am.

Each week, I’m testing the latest AI models and seeing how advanced they are becoming. And how quickly they are evolving. And I’m reading about executives at these companies aggressively rolling out AI while posting record profits and announcing layoffs.

The sci-fi movies aren’t that far off anymore.

I have deep fears about what AI will do to our planet, humanity, society and the job market, not to mention our individual roles.

The more I use agentic AI tools, the more I’m realizing they are rapidly learning how to replicate the knowledge work I do, from building presentations and reports to automating actual complex workflows.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this existential anxiety.

How do we make sense of something this big, and figure out what, if anything, we can actually do about it?

Let’s Name the Fears

There are levels to these fears:

1. The macro level fear: The world is changing more rapidly than it ever has in ways I can’t control or stop.

2. The micro level fear: What does this all mean for me specifically—for my job, my income, my relevance, and my happiness?

These fears both combine for an existential angst I’ve been feeling for a while now.

It’s a deeply unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach coming from the fact that I’m not sure what jobs will look like in two years. Or five years. Let alone in 10 years.

The only thing I am confident in at this point is that AI isn’t going away.

So what are we supposed to do? How do we not lose ourselves to constant anxiety worrying about the future?

The Macro Fear—Stop Resisting It

Anxiety has taught me this over and over: the things I resist hardest are the things that cause me the most suffering.

The solution has been to stop focusing on things outside my control.

The cat is out of the bag with AI. There is far too much money that has been poured into AI for it to slow down now.

And neither can any of us individually stop it.

Sure, we can fight to keep data centers out of our neighborhoods (and we should). And we can vote for people who align with our views on how AI should shape our future (and we should).

But I cannot single-handedly stop OpenAI, Anthropic, Google, and others from continuing the AI arms race.

At least for me, I’ve accepted this is happening.

And while that doesn’t completely end my existential anxiety, it does allow me to choose to focus on what I can control.

The Micro Fear—The Fork in the Road

As I see it, there are two main options for us right now:

• Path A: You can choose to upskill around AI with the knowledge and skills that companies will be requiring moving forward, OR

• Path B: You can choose an AI-resilient path in skilled trades like HVAC, plumbing, electricians, barbers, physical therapists, etc. that require a physical presence, judgment calls, and human trust that can’t be replicated anytime soon.

Regardless of the path you choose, the important thing to realize is you have agency to make that decision for yourself.

I’ve already made my decision. I’ve been continuing down Path A for over a year now.

Practically, that's meant getting comfortable with tools I dismissed a year ago. Specifically for my day job, I use AI to draft, research, and automate parts of my workflows that used to take hours. I built that iOS app not just because it was interesting, but because I wanted to understand what these tools could actually do — and what they'd mean for someone like me.

The more I use them, the less they feel like a threat and the more they feel like leverage I actually have.

You might instead choose Path B. Choosing a field for its AI resilience is its own form of agency.

I've noticed for years that once I make a decision and start moving, the anxiety quiets down. Choosing to upskill myself with AI has been no different.

It’s not up to me to solve AI for humanity.

I just need to continue to improve my knowledge and ability, which is a much smaller, less anxiety-inducing task.

Bringing It Back to Anxiety

At the end of the day, this post isn’t just about technology. It’s about sharpening your mindset to reduce anxiety.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers when it comes to AI.

I still often wonder if I’m doing enough. And if the skills I’m building will even matter in five years.

What I have is the decision I’ve made, and the small sense of agency that comes with it. On the days the anxiety takes over, I can remind myself I’m doing what I can. And that’s enough for me.

What are you doing about it? I’d love to hear in the comments.

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For most of my adult life, I thought therapy was for people who couldn’t figure things out on their own.

I decided to start working with a therapist because I wanted to get my anxiety under control as I was tapering off an antidepressant I’d been on for 20 years.

I really was just looking for tools and tricks to help me as anxiety might come up throughout the process.

I also specifically chose a woman as my therapist so that I could practice being vulnerable and opening up to someone of the opposite sex. This has always been a challenge for me, because I’ve always equated vulnerability with weakness. And I knew that women were not attracted to weak men.

Turns out, sitting across from a woman and saying the hard things out loud was exactly the practice I needed.

And I learned quickly that my expectations didn’t match with reality once I got started.

What I Expected vs. What I Found

What I realized once I started therapy was that my anxiety went deeper than I imagined.

I thought everyday life stress was the driver of my anxiety and so I was looking for a few quick fixes. Easy, right?

What I found once I started the work was that to truly deal with the anxiety, I needed to turn inward and understand my inner world.

What causes me to feel anxious? What existential fears did I have? What core beliefs did I have that just aren’t true but I still believe?

My inner world was full of parts I didn’t even know existed.

My therapist has helped me to reveal these parts, understand their deep-seated beliefs, and teach me how to start working with them so they feel seen and at ease.

The Map & The Compass

Therapy gave me a mental map for my inner world, helping me connect the dots between my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions.

And then it gave me a compass to better navigate my life towards my true North Star, helping me to steer back in the right direction even when circumstances might occasionally cause me to get lost.

It’s helped me to really show up as the person I actually want to be, leading myself in ways I’ve not been able to in the past.

My self-talk is much more positive. I’m more compassionate with myself. When anxiety spikes, I can drop into my body and figure out what is actually scared — and talk to it.

This would’ve never been possible if I continued to try to figure everything out on my own.

What I Wish I Would’ve Known Before Starting

Not all therapists are the same — and neither are their approaches

Before I found my current therapist, I worked with two others in the past who didn’t really help me. Both leaned heavily on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which just didn’t resonate with me.

I didn’t know then that the modality and the person matter as much as the decision to go. A bad fit doesn’t mean therapy doesn’t work. It might just mean that therapist didn’t work for you.

You will probably go in thinking one thing is the problem

I went in for anxiety management tools. What I found was that the anxiety was a symptom of something much deeper. Go in with an open mind about what might actually come up. It’s probably not what you expect.

The first few sessions might feel like nothing is happening

Building trust with a therapist takes time. I left my first couple of sessions thinking, “When do we make progress?” That’s normal. The breakthroughs don’t come until the relationship has some foundation under it.

Discomfort in a session usually means you’re close to something important

When a topic makes you want to change the subject or you feel physically uncomfortable, that’s not a reason to back off.

In my experience, that’s usually exactly where the useful stuff is.

What I Was Wrong About

I spent years thinking I didn’t need therapy. I thought I could figure it out on my own. I thought needing help was weakness.

I was wrong on all three counts.

The work can be uncomfortable. But for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I actually know myself. And I know how to find my way back when I get lost.

I spent years thinking I could figure everything out alone. Turns out, I just needed the right person in the room.

If you’ve been on the fence about therapy, drop your questions in the comments. I can answer from my experience.

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I used to be embarrassed to admit this, but making friends as an adult has been really hard for me.

Yesterday, I golfed with a guy I didn’t know existed up until four months ago. We met at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the Winter.

We played in the same Winter League there and on the final weekend, he and his partner were paired up with me and mine.

We started talking about where he regularly golfs and he mentioned he was single, no kids, and likes to golf at some of the popular public courses around here I love.

My antennas went up.

I’m always looking for people to golf with and here we were, serendipitously meeting each other over our favorite activity.

It’s not always that easy.

The Problem With Making Friends in Your 30s

I’ve always had friends since I can remember. I played sports throughout my life, which gave me a strong base of guys I could make connections with.

And from there, there was school, the neighborhood, and then summer jobs. These were all rich opportunities to make friends.

When we are younger, we’re always in environments that foster opportunities to make friends. We don’t even have much say in the matter.

Once you become an adult, these opportunities started to dwindle.

This was even more true when I got sober.

I was no longer out at bars meeting people with my social lubricant flowing through my veins.

My 30s have become my loneliest decade by far and I don’t believe I’m alone in this. There’s a certain sadness that takes root when you realize your days of making fast friends in the schoolyard are over.

We fall into our routines, get stubborn about testing our edges, and fall into patterns that cause us to shut down.

I’ve found myself thinking many times, “I’ve always had friends. I shouldn’t need to make more friends.”

The last few years of my 30s have proven me wrong.

It’s not easy to hang out with my friends anymore. Most are married with kids. They need at least 28 business days’ notice to plan anything.

I’ve realized that I don’t have a lot of friends that are in a similar season as me.

And that’s a very humbling thing to feel.

Especially as a man, we do not like the vulnerability of opening up to a stranger.

I’ve written before about covert depression in men, which turns men inwards, focusing on unhealthy coping mechanisms like overworking, numbing behaviors, seclusion, and the like.

I’ve been here. We don’t reach out. We don’t initiate. We don’t ask for help. We keep everything surface-level.

But feeling this loneliness in your 30s is natural as the structures in your life break down and your friends go separate ways.

It’s simply time to build new structures.

Start With What You Already Love

I really enjoy golf, hot yoga and wellness-related stuff, and writing, just to name a few things.

I’ve made a few friends already just through being a member at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the winter.

I wanted to play in the Winter League there but didn’t have a partner, so I asked my buddy that works there if he had any ideas. He found me a partner who I’ve since become friends with and we’ll be playing in his Summer golf tournament at his country club in June.

It took a lot for me to actually ask my friend for a partner because a big part of me was trying to convince myself it wasn’t worth it. I could just keep practicing by myself.

I’m glad I pushed through.

Just Say Something

This is a silly one, but especially for me as an introvert, it can feel quite daunting to spark up a conversation.

I am always very aware of awkwardness, so the last thing I want to do is make an interaction awkward for someone else. Or make myself feel super awkward.

That often causes me to not say anything at all and just keep it moving. How many cool people have I missed out on meeting because I was too worried about being weird?

I still have to talk myself into it most of the time. But I’m continuing to press forward despite the fear of being judged or creating an awkward interaction.

An example of this was when I went to the baseball game by myself a few weekends ago. The old Andy would’ve sat in the stands scared to look around or talk to anyone lest they notice me there by myself.

Instead, I struck up an awesome conversation with the guy next to me who was manually keeping score of the game. I got to learn more about him. And we connected through the wonderful game of baseball.

All I had to do was be willing to ask him why he was doing it manually.

Someone Has to Go First

This is where I’ve struggled the most historically. Meeting someone face-to-face is one thing, but then texting or calling them later to ask them to do something? For me, that can feel needy. (Yes, I know now it’s not!)

When I met the guy I golfed with yesterday during Winter League, the course he mentioned he liked to play was one of my favorites. So I suggested we should play it sometime. And we exchanged numbers.

Now, whenever we’re looking for a person to golf with, we text each other to see if the other can play.

If either of us weren’t willing to initiate, it would’ve gone nowhere.

It takes some vulnerability, because I could always be ignored or shut down. Each time you practice this, it gets easier. The connection you build gives you more confidence that more of your people are out there.

As I was golfing yesterday, I thought about how cool it was to be golfing with this guy I had just met a few months before.

Four months ago he was a stranger. Yesterday we played 18 holes. Funny how that works.

What are some hobbies or activities you’ve made friends through? Let me know in the comments.

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At almost 40 years old, I wake up every single morning alone.

Trust me when I say I did not expect this.

I wasn’t planning on being single and childless entering my 40th birthday.

I had these expectations throughout my life that I would have already met the love of my life, we’d have fallen deeply in love, got married, and had kids.

I’ve been deeply in love, but unfortunately, that hasn’t been enough.

The Grief is Real

There is a bone-chillingly deep grief that comes from mourning the life that eludes you.

For men and women, it gets tied to our inherent value.

We know the expectations society has on us.

We feel the awkwardness when we meet people and they realize we’re not married and don’t have kids.

I’ve been asked many times “Married? Kids?” and purposely made a joke that I have an 8-year-old pitbull just to fill the awkwardness.

And it becomes even more painful when those are the things I want.

I acknowledge that my path brought me here. There are a lot of things I would change in my past that might have made my reality today different.

It’s difficult and uncomfortable to sit with, knowing that my patterns, fears, and choices contributed to my current situation.

But I cannot change the past. I can only learn from it.

And wishing my past was different is a form of resistance that only causes me deeper suffering.

Resistance is the Root of Suffering

My friend sent me a Martha Beck podcast to listen to about suffering. In it, Martha describes a very buddhist concept that resistance is what causes all of our emotional suffering.

She introduces this equation:

Pain x resistance = suffering

Remember, anything multiplied by 0 is 0. Meaning, no resistance, no suffering.

Pain is unavoidable. You will not go through life without bad things happening.

But we can control the amount that we let ourselves suffer by choosing to accept the situations we’re in.

When I’ve chosen to walk through life focused on what I didn’t have, I was indirectly choosing to add to my suffering.

The Unexpected Gifts

By focusing on the pain, by giving it power through resistance, I was missing out on the almost infinite possibilities I have as a single man.

I’ve achieved a mental clarity and true sense of knowing myself I doubt I could’ve achieved in different circumstances.

I likely wouldn’t have felt the need to create this Above Anxiety outlet for me to share my experiences and lessons with others.

I also wouldn't have been able to work on the lonely boy part inside of me, meaning I would have taken that wounded part into relationships and expected my partner to heal him.

These are all blessings that I hadn’t considered before, but I’m now deeply grateful for the opportunities.

How I’m Moving Forward

I still wake up alone every single morning. What’s different is what I choose to do with it.

I choose to focus on loving myself everyday, improving myself through my words and actions, and most of all, I choose to keep my heart open to the love that I know I deserve and will come to me.

I cannot control when that love shows up. But I can control how I show up in the world every single day. And I choose to show up as a strong, regulated man that leads with his heart.

That is what will attract the right person for me.

If you're carrying grief about a life that hasn't looked the way you planned, what is this season quietly building in you that you haven't given yourself credit for yet?

I’d love to hear in the comments. Thank you so much for reading.

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On September 9, 2019, I had my last drink of alcohol.

It ended with me blacking out, fighting with my then-girlfriend on the phone, and calling my sister-in-law out of the blue with questions about death — still reeling from losing my dad a few years earlier.

I came home the next morning and she told me that I had to stop drinking or she’d break up with me.

And honestly, I’m glad she did. I’m not sure I would have been able to take that first big step by myself.

But since then, I’ve continued walking the path of sobriety one step at a time. One day at a time.

It’s hard to believe it’ll be seven years in September, but I’m extremely grateful for how far I’ve come. And I can’t imagine ever going back to the way I was living.

I wrote a while back about why I stopped drinking. This is what I've learned in the years since.

1. You Have to Do It For Yourself

You might not decide to completely stop drinking. That’s ok. Not everybody is the same. Not everybody struggles with alcohol the way I did.

But if you do decide to quit for good, it has to be for yourself.

Stopping for a partner, family member, or any other external factor can help to get you started, but it will not sustain you.

My ex-girlfriend's ultimatum got me to stop. But what kept me stopped was realizing I no longer wanted to live the old way.

External pressure can open the door. Only you can walk through it.

2. Your Friends Can Either Help or Hurt You—And You’ll Lose Some

Many of us have friends that are really acquaintances of circumstance. And often, those circumstances revolve around drinking.

I had a few friends I only hung out with because they were always down to drink.

When I made the decision to stop drinking, I no longer had much in common with them. I had to move on.

But be careful of these types of friends that do not take your sobriety news well. They might be running out of friends to go drink with as other friends get married and have kids. They’ll take this news as a personal affront. “Why are you being such a baby? Just come out for a few drinks. You don’t have to black out, you know!”

True friends will support you no matter what. A real friend has no problem with you not drinking—they might even think it's cool. And they'll still want to hang out with you, even if they're still drinking themselves.

Choose your friends wisely. Invest in the ones that continue to invest in you.

3. Weekends Can Be the Toughest

If you’re like me, your weekends were mostly spent out drinking and having fun and then recovering alone at home.

I did this for many years, going out Friday and Saturday nights. Recovering Saturday and Sunday mornings.

The thrill I got from drinking and socializing on Friday always gave way to anxiety and isolation the next morning.

It was a weekend full of both extremes. But I was at least busy doing things.

When I got sober, my weekends became completely open. Friday nights got tough because I would work all day and then do…nothing at night except for maybe watch a movie.

I went from being social to avoiding social events because of the drinking. And in turn, spent lots of time alone at home.

I wasn’t prepared for all this empty time.

What I learned was I needed to lean on friends and family for connection, find new (and old) hobbies to keep me busy (I've been vibe coding an iOS app in my spare time), and learn how to enjoy quiet time alone. I'm still working on that last one.

4. You Will Be Judged—And That’s Totally Fine

I’ve had plenty of experiences where people have had less than stellar reactions to me telling them I wasn’t drinking. I remember a friend of a friend making a joke that I was a “pussy” for not drinking anymore. Imagine that.

What I’ve realized is people who are drinking can often become uncomfortable around someone who’s sober because it makes them self-conscious about their own drinking. I can empathize with that.

As you might’ve picked up on if you’ve been reading my newsletter for a while, I’m a very authentic person.

It’s taken time to get to this point, but when I stopped drinking, I also stopped caring what people thought about my drinking or lack thereof.

By now, it’s second nature for me to explain to somebody that I’m good with water, I don’t drink anymore. And if someone inquires more, I’m comfortable telling them why.

Feeling comfortable saying no to drinking, and explaining why when you want to, is simply a muscle that you have to build.

But remember, you don’t really owe anyone an explanation.

5. You'll Have to Relearn How to Have Fun

When I stopped drinking, I realized that I now had to learn how to do a lot of things without alcohol in my system. One of the big ones was going on dates sober.

In the past, I would have a few beers at least at the beginning of the date to loosen up. My first few dates sober were pretty awkward. Not only am I meeting someone for the first time ever on a date, but now I'm doing it completely sober.

Another big one was going to weddings sober. What used to be a party turned into a test of endurance—the slow realization that drunk people get a lot less fun and interesting when you're sober.

The good news is, you can have fun doing anything sober.

I learned that I’m a very engaging person, even without drinking. And that’s given me more confidence moving forward.

6. I’ve Never Felt More Alive

By now, maybe you’re thinking, “Not drinking sounds like a lot of work. It sounds terrible!”

I promise you, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.

I save thousands of dollars each year. I sleep better. I'm healthier. I'm less anxious. And I've learned who I really am by spending time with my sober self.

You don’t have to go completely sober to get these benefits. Try cutting down your drinking and see if you notice anything positive.

I've never felt more alive. Waking up every day sober is a big part of that.

One Question Before You Go

If you’re thinking about your relationship with alcohol, you don’t need to have the answer today.

You also don’t need to wait until rock bottom to make a change.

My goal with this post is to get you thinking.

Are you happy with the role alcohol plays in your life right now?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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It took me two hours to decide to buy a baseball ticket.

Not because I couldn’t afford it. Not because I didn’t want to go. But because every friend I asked was busy, which meant I’d have to go alone. And my inner critic had a lot of opinions about that.

“People will think you’re weird.”

“They’ll think you must not have friends.”

“Women won’t like you.”

As a sober 39-year-old with mostly married friends, my weekends have become very quiet.

In that quiet, I’ve come face-to-face with my “edge.”

What is an Edge, Anyway?

Your edge is the specific point where your discomfort becomes loud enough to make a decision for you — usually the decision to stay home, stay safe, or stay small.

Your edges might be very different than mine, but we all have them.

I’m here to tell you today, if you want to live a full life, you need to find your edges and learn how to calmly go beyond them.

The Reds Game

The Los Angeles Angels are in town this weekend playing my Cincinnati Reds. I’ve been a Reds fan my entire life and my dad and I shared a love of watching their games. I watch almost all their games, even despite how bad they’ve been in the last 20+ years.

The Angels have a future Hall of Famer on their team, the great Mike Trout. I’ve never seen Mike Trout play in person, so the last few days, I’ve been wanting to go watch him play.

Previously, this edge would’ve kept me at home, watching the game by myself, feeling lonely.

Instead, I decided to not listen and test my edge. Could I go to this game by myself and have fun without worrying about what other people were thinking about me?

Not a single person gave me a weird look. And even if they did, who cares?

I had a fun, relaxing time at the game and I sat next to a guy that was by himself and had a great conversation.

He was keeping score manually on a scorecard and so I asked him about that. He mentioned he was a Cubs fan who just wanted to catch a game. But his dad and his grandpa always kept the score manually on a scorecard when they went to games, so he does it out of habit, too.

Yesterday, I sanded down an edge. I truly believe that each time we do this work, we live more in alignment with who we are meant to be.

Finding Your Edge

So how do you go about finding your edges and then pushing through them?

Let’s focus on three simple steps:

Step 1: Identify your edge

This requires awareness. When and where does your inner critic get the loudest? What are the situations in which you are the most uncomfortable? These are edges.

Step 2: Take a micro step

Once you’ve found an edge, you can choose to take a micro step. I’m not asking you to go do some elaborate thing, like signing up to run a marathon if you’re scared to exercise around other people.

Start with something small like walking outside in your neighborhood for 10 minutes. The bigger action you try to take, the lower your chances are of actually going through with it.

Start small and build up your momentum. That’s how you make lasting progress.

Step 3: Notice the shift

Once you do it, notice how the edge moves out a little further. You’re moving the goalposts one micro step at a time.

Imagine what you can accomplish if you continually take small micro actions to push your boundaries and increase your capacity.

My next solo mission is doing a breathwork workshop at my hot yoga studio this Friday. I’m already a little anxious about it. It will be a much more intimate environment and I’ve never done breathwork around others before. But I’m excited to further smooth this edge down.

Your Next Micro-Step

You don’t have to overhaul your life this weekend. You don’t have to suddenly become the guy who travels the world solo or the one who is perfectly comfortable in every uncomfortable situation.

Just look for one small edge. One tiny area where your inner critic is keeping you playing smaller than you need to be. Step into that discomfort, just for a moment, and see what happens on the other side.

I’d love to hear from you: What is an “edge” you’ve been avoiding? Or, if you’re already practicing this, what is one thing you actually love doing by yourself? Let me know in the comments.

We are all working on this together.

Thank you so much for reading.

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For some people, rest does not feel peaceful at first. It feels wrong.

You finally have some free time. Nothing urgent is happening. You should feel relieved.

Instead, you feel restless. Guilty. Exposed.

Your mind starts telling you that you should be doing something more productive. That everyone else is out living a fuller life. That you’re wasting time or falling behind.

I’ve spent plenty of Sundays anxious with no real plans, feeling like the world was passing me by. I’d imagine my friends out doing fun things with their families while I sat at home watching TV or looking at my phone.

We live in a culture that often confuses busyness with worth. So stillness can feel uncomfortable, exposing, even like failure.

If relaxing makes you uneasy, there’s probably a reason.

Why Relaxing Can Feel Bad

First, your body may be used to being “on.”

If you live with chronic stress, your system gets used to motion, pressure, and mental noise. Being on edge starts to feel normal.

So when life finally gets quiet, peace can feel uncomfortable.

Second, rest removes distraction.

Sometimes people are not afraid of rest itself. They are afraid of what shows up when the distractions are gone. When you stop doing, you may have to feel what you’ve been avoiding.

Third, you may believe rest has to be earned.

A lot of us tell ourselves, “Once I get everything done, then I can relax.” But everything is never fully done. There will always be more laundry, more emails, more dishes, and more loose ends waiting for your attention.

My Experience

I relate to all three of those reasons, but the second one hits me the hardest.

One thing I’m working on this year is getting more comfortable with quiet time at home. Through therapy, I’ve realized how active my inner critic can be during unstructured alone time.

It tells me I’m behind. It tells me I should be working on something more meaningful. It tries to turn quiet into shame.

I’ve realized I often try to fill my weekends not just because connection matters to me, but because too much unstructured alone time feels uncomfortable. It’s easier to stay busy than to sit still and hear what my mind has to say.

Here’s What to Do Instead

I’m learning not to force relaxation, but to ease into it.

That might look like five minutes of meditation. Reading outside for fifteen minutes. Walking my dog without trying to turn it into something productive. Sitting on my deck for a few minutes with no music, no podcast, and no task. Just being there.

I’m learning how to sit with quiet without filling every second with TV, music, or podcasts.

Rest Is Necessary

You do not need to become great at relaxing overnight. The work is getting more comfortable with it. Letting your body and mind settle without feeling like you have to earn it.

For some people, peace and quiet feel strange before they feel safe. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Your body just isn’t used to it yet.

Rest is not something you have to earn. It is part of being human.

What does rest feel like in your body: peace, guilt, or restlessness?

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I once signed up for a conference because I genuinely wanted to learn. The room was full of smart, growth-minded people. On paper, I should have felt right at home. Instead, I felt anxious and completely alone.

Why was that?

Sometimes anxiety is not random. Sometimes it’s a sign that your environment, energy, and stimulation level are out of sync with how you’re wired.

I’ve learned that large social settings, especially with strangers, overstimulate me quickly. I’m naturally introverted, so even when I show up well socially, it still costs me energy.

I can speak to a room full of strangers for an hour. I recently went back to my high school and spoke to 60–70 juniors and seniors about my journey with anxiety and alcohol abuse, the lessons I’ve learned, and a few tools that can help them live a more grounded life.

After I gave the speech, I drove 50 minutes back to Cincinnati in complete silence.

That contrast taught me a lot about what drains me, what restores me, and why my anxiety shows up when it does.

The better I understand those patterns, the easier it becomes to manage my energy and anxiety.

Stop Moralizing, Start Observing

For a long time, my inner critic beat me up for not being more like my extroverted friends.

I grew up around people who were naturally outgoing and energized by constant interaction, so I assumed that was the standard.

I judged myself for not being more social, more energized by groups, or more comfortable in highly stimulating environments. I thought something was wrong with me when really, I just didn’t understand my own patterns yet.

That changed when I stopped judging myself and started paying attention. Part of that inner work was better understanding my personality, my energy, and the kinds of stimulation that affect me most.

How can you do that? Let’s break it down into three buckets: personality, energy, and stimulation.

Your Personality Patterns

Notice your natural tendencies so you can better understand yourself instead of holding yourself to standards that don’t actually fit you.

• Do you recharge around people or away from them?

• Do you like spontaneity or do you do better with a plan?

• Do you enjoy deep conversation but get drained by small talk?

• Do you thrive in calm environments or constant activity?

Your personality patterns shape more of your daily stress than you may realize. They influence what drains you, what restores you, and which environments quietly put your nervous system on edge.

When I answer those questions, my introversion shows up pretty quickly:

I recharge away from people, do better with a plan, and feel much more at ease in calm environments than highly stimulating ones. I love deep conversation, but constant small talk, especially with people I don’t know, drains me fast.

Your Energy Patterns

You can’t manage your energy well if you don’t know what drains you and what restores you.

And to be clear, time and energy are not the same thing. You can have plenty of room in your calendar and still not have the capacity for what’s on it.

A lot of anxiety comes from saying yes based on time available instead of energy available.

Think about these questions:

• When do you feel sharpest during the day?

• What consistently drains you?

• What genuinely restores you?

• How much social time is too much?

• How many obligations can you handle in one day before stress and anxiety start to rise?

Your Stimulation Patterns

The better you understand your personality and energy, the easier it becomes to notice what overstimulates you.

Overstimulation can feel a lot like anxiety. Your heart speeds up, your chest tightens, and suddenly everything feels like too much.

A few common overstimulation triggers:

• Crowded places

• Too much noise

• Too much phone time

• Back-to-back plans

• Too many decisions

• Emotionally intense people

• Work all day plus socializing at night with no reset

The big ones for me are crowded places and lots of plans on the same day without being able to reset.

A full day in a wedding party can be very overstimulating, especially when you know you need to stay grounded and present the whole time.

The last wedding I was in, I knew the day would be a lot for me. That morning I went for a walk, then sat outside to journal and meditate before the rest of the activities started.

Throughout the day, I took breaks whenever I could, especially before I gave the best man’s speech to almost 200 people. Those breaks helped me stay regulated so I could show up as my best self.

Start Tracking What Restores You and What Drains You

Here are some questions I would suggest you start tracking over time:

• What activities leave me calmer afterward?

• What environments make me tense without me realizing it?

• Who do I feel grounded around?

• What social situations take more out of me than I care to admit?

• What does a good day have in common?

• What does a draining day have in common?

As you’re doing this reflection, also notice if that annoying little inner critic drops in to judge you based on your answers.

Your job is simply to notice what’s true without judging yourself for it.

Plan Your Life Around Reality, Not Guilt

Once you understand your patterns, you can start to build a life around what actually restores you.

There are plenty of things I have to do that drain me. I’m able to reduce a lot of that anxiety now because I understand where it comes from, and I can build recovery into my schedule before I hit a wall.

The goal isn’t to control your life perfectly. That won’t ever be possible. But you can understand yourself well enough that your days stop working against you.

What’s one thing you’ve noticed lately that drains you, and one thing that genuinely restores you?

Leave a comment and let me know!

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The most profound lesson I’ve learned these past few years is something I already knew, but didn’t truly believe.

I matter.

I am enough. Just as I am.

Even with good parents, a lot of us still learned to measure ourselves by output, status, and approval.

A lot of us were taught that our worth had to be earned.

How many of you have gone to a friend’s house and immediately noticed something you wished you had?

Maybe they have a beautiful kitchen, a bigger house, or the kind of family life you’ve always wanted.

Those moments can make us feel small. Jealous. Insecure. We start asking questions like, “Why do they get that life and I don’t?”

Here’s the truth:

Those things do not determine your value.

I want you to really take this in: you do not have to prove anything to matter.

Your value as a human being is inherent simply because you are a human being.

That’s the message today.

You do not need to earn your worth. You already have it.

Go spend your time building a life that aligns with your values, not chasing proof that you matter.

Have a great Sunday!

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I’ve struggled in the past to be a rock for someone else when they’re falling apart.

My immediate thought was always, “Well, let me figure out what the problem is. And then let’s fix it.”

For someone with a dysregulated nervous system, logic and reason are basically offline. That’s why your best advice won’t land in that moment. Their alarm system is activated, and fight-or-flight has taken the wheel.

I never understood why my significant other would get mad at me. I’m trying to help you. Why are you lashing out at me?

Here’s what I didn’t understand back then: co-regulation isn’t about saying the perfect thing or solving the problem on the spot. It’s about staying steady. Being with them. Letting their nervous system borrow your calm long enough to come back down.

How can you better show up for someone else when they’re dysregulated? Here’s the simplest way I know to do it.

What is Co-Regulation?

If you read last week’s post, this will be a quick refresher.

Co-regulation is when one person’s nervous system helps calm someone else’s. Just being near someone steady can slow your heart rate and deepen your breathing.

And something interesting: humans aren’t the only mammals that co-regulate. Plenty of other animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, help each other regulate their nervous systems.

So what do you actually do in the moment? Here’s the simplest framework I’ve found.

How to Be STEADY

You don’t need to memorize this acronym. The goal for you is to recognize someone needs help, regulate yourself first, and then be there with empathy and reassurance.

• S – Settle yourself first: Exhale. Shoulders down. Relax your jaw.

• T – Tone low, pace slow: How you talk with someone who’s dysregulated matters. Lower your tone, speak softly, and slow your pace.

• E – Empathy: “That sounds heavy.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.”

• A – Ask what they need: “How can I help?” Sometimes they won’t know what they need, so move on to the next step.

• D – Direct them to the body: Help them get back into their body. Have them focus on long, deep, slow breaths. They can focus on the pressure of their feet on the floor or their body in a chair. Have them name objects and colors they can see in the room. The goal is to get them out of their mind.

• Y – You stay present: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe. I’ve got you.”

Keep in mind: If you get activated and your nervous system is on overdrive, this will only make things worse for them. Your job is to be the steady helper in the moment.

Sometimes, you might not be in a position to be steady. That’s okay. Your job then is to help that person find someone else who can.

What NOT To Do

You have the ability to calm someone else down. You also have the ability to make things even worse.

Here are some things to avoid in the moment:

• Don’t try to minimize what they’re feeling. “You’re fine. Relax.”

• Don’t try to rationalize their fear. “You’re not dying. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

• Don’t try to problem-solve.

• Don’t ask a bunch of questions.

• Don’t make it about you.

Anxiety doesn’t respond to a lecture. It responds to safety.

Be That Safety for Someone Else

We aren’t meant to regulate alone. Our nervous systems are built to settle with the help of others.

The best gift you can give someone when they’re dysregulated is your presence and steadiness.

You don’t need to be a therapist. All it takes is your awareness and calm.

You can do it.

What’s the most helpful thing someone has said to you or done for you when you were spiraling? Let me know in the comments.

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Intuitively, we all know that there are people you don’t feel comfortable around. And people who feel like home.

Most of us were never taught to trust that signal. We override it with other emotions: attraction, obsession, the need to be chosen.

We are social creatures, and we often forget that we need each other for regulation.

Especially here in America, where we idolize independence, we don’t get taught something basic: we’re supposed to help each other regulate.

Here’s what co-regulation is, why it works, and how to ask for it without feeling weird.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the biological process of using someone else’s nervous system to calm your own. We’re wired for connection, but many of us were taught to treat that as “needy.”

When you’re dysregulated, your nervous system is in threat mode, defaulting to fight or flight instead of calm reasoning and reassurance.

For that dysregulated person, this is often terrifying and disorienting. Dealing with this alone can be one of the scariest experiences, because it can feel like you’re losing control of your mind and body.

Co-regulation can be the antidote to that spiral and often requires nothing more than someone else’s calm, regulated nervous system in proximity to you (or even on the phone).

The most interesting thing to me about co-regulation is that humans are not the only mammals that do this.

Did you know:

• Dogs: Can sync heart rate variability (HRV) with their owners during interaction. Your dog can literally help regulate your nervous system.

• Elephants: Use touch and proximity to calm each other in response to distress.

• Chimps: Groom one another to reduce anxiety through physical touch and can show measurable decreases in heart rate and cortisol (the stress hormone).

Being around someone calm can lower your baseline anxiety and help you regulate in moments of distress.

How it Actually Works

Our bodies are constantly monitoring for threats and safety at an unconscious level.

We’re monitoring facial expressions, tone, proximity, touch, connection, and a whole host of other factors to assess if we’re safe.

Being near someone (or even on the phone with them) with a calm nervous system can help you match their pace. It doesn’t happen instantly. But with a little time, your body downshifts: you relax, your heart rate drops, and your breathing slows.

That’s one of the best parts about being human.

Our presence can greatly affect someone else’s nervous system. We can either dysregulate others or regulate them simply by how we show up.

How to Ask for Co-Regulation

Understanding all of this, many of us are still too damn proud or too scared to ask for help.

We pride ourselves on our independence, feel shame for asking for help, and don’t even know how to ask for it.

Here are some ideas for how to ask for co-regulation when you really need it.

Scripts:

• “I’m feeling _______ right now. Do you mind if I quietly hang out with you for a little bit to calm down?”

• “Do you mind sitting with me (or talking with me) for a few minutes?”

• “Can I call you? I’m feeling _________ and just need to hear someone’s calm voice.”

The hard truth about emotions like anxiety and shame is that they are amplified in isolation. It’s very easy to spiral when you’re alone trying to manage heavy or intense emotions by yourself.

Part of leading and loving yourself is asking for help when you need it.

This does not make you weak or a burden. People who truly love you show up for you when you need them. Just like you show up for them.

Action Item: Think about a few friends or family members who would make calm co-regulators. You can save this as a list on your phone, a favorite in your contacts, or just make a mental note.

Bonus points: Ask them ahead of time to be a part of your team so they understand the mission. And if you feel confident enough, you can mention you’ll be there for them as well.

When feelings get too big to handle alone, you want to be able to quickly catch them and choose who to connect with in the moment.

We Are Not Meant to Regulate Alone

Humans are social creatures, despite how many of us live these days.

Co-regulation isn’t some new woo-woo activity that an influencer created. It’s biology, and we’re just one of many species that has learned how to calm each other down and make each other feel safe.

On your toughest days, don’t try to numb your way out of anxiety. If possible, lean on your support system to get you back to equilibrium.

Next week: I’ll cover how to help someone else regulate when they’re spiraling (and what not to do).

When you’re spiraling, what do you usually do first: isolate or reach out? Let me know in the comments.

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No matter what was going on in my life, I used to struggle with leading myself. I was like a leaf, blowing wherever the wind or other people took me.

I had no concept of why I was the way I was. Why I reacted certain ways. What patterns I kept repeating. And I definitely didn’t know how to weather storms.

I didn’t have outbursts. I silently imploded.

I learned not to trust my intuition or my ability to handle whatever came next.

It wasn’t until I learned about “parts work” through Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I began to take the wheel on my own life.

It’s the most profound work I’ve ever done, and I use it daily to care for my inner parts and lead myself from a calm, collected center (my “Self”).

Brief Intro to Internal Family Systems

IFS is a therapeutic framework developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz to help people understand their inner world and lead from their benevolent Self energy.

IFS says we have an inner family of parts that developed to protect us from situations we couldn’t handle. It’s made up of a few key elements:

• Managers: Proactive protectors that try to keep life controlled and predictable so you don’t get hurt. They show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, staying busy, staying “good,” or trying to manage everyone’s perception of you.

• Firefighters: Reactive protectors that rush in when the pain gets unbearable to shut it down. These are the parts behind numbing, escaping, compulsive distractions, overworking, bingeing—anything that gives immediate relief.

• Exiles: The younger, vulnerable parts that carry the original pain: fear, shame, grief, loneliness, “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m unsafe.” Managers and firefighters often work hard to keep these exiled feelings from being felt because they’re so difficult to deal with.

• Self: Who you are at your core. Your calm, grounded center. This isn’t another part that needs fixing. It’s the leader. The goal is to work with your protectors from Self to care for your inner system.

If this sounds a little strange at first, stay with me.

“Parts” is just language for something you already know is true: you’re not the same person when you’re calm as when you’re triggered. IFS gives you a way to notice that shift and choose who leads.

To drive this home, let me give you an example from my life.

A Quick Example of Parts in Real Life

My Panic Manager

I have a panic part of me that developed when I had my first panic attack at 18 and thought I was dying. That trauma still lives in my body.

It gets activated when I feel sensations that remind me of that panic attack, like when my heart starts racing for no reason.

A Manager part formed to prevent that from ever happening again. It became obsessed with control. It tried to control variables in my life to avoid anything that might spike anxiety, because I learned anxiety grew into panic. And panic was terrifying.

That showed up in simple ways:

• I wanted to drive to everything “just in case” I needed to leave.

• I avoided traveling far because the idea of panicking away from my support systems felt unbearable.

Your parts develop to shield and protect you from things you didn’t yet have the ability to handle. A lot of times, they end up hurting you despite wanting to help.

I’ve missed out on experiences and connections because my Manager part was trying to protect me from the possibility of panic.

My Panic Firefighter

Firefighters are more intense. Their job is to put out the fire by any means necessary. People with addictions often have very active Firefighters that use substances to shield them from their most intense feelings and memories.

I have a panic Firefighter that would come online when I was really anxious, and it often used alcohol.

If I put myself in an overwhelming situation, like a house party with lots of people I didn’t know, I’d use alcohol to put the anxiety fire out.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t solving anything. I was making it worse once the alcohol wore off.

Accepting and Loving Your Parts

Therapy has been instrumental in my ability to understand my parts and lead from Self.

It’s also helped me accept and love them.

When you get triggered, a part takes the wheel. It starts doing what it learned to do a long time ago. And most of our parts are earlier, younger versions of ourselves, so they don’t always behave in helpful, mature ways.

I’ve learned that love is choosing to lead my parts by connecting with them, reassuring them I’m here, and asking them to quiet down and let me lead.

What Self-Leadership Looks Like

This has been the most profound work of my life. Even during the hardest moments this past year, I’ve been able to show up, lead my parts, and stay rooted in Self, even when it hurts.

I’m not perfect. I still find myself ruminating too long, wallowing, and not catching it fast enough.

But like most things, it’s a muscle. With practice, you catch it sooner and you lead more.

Now when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I can take a step back and ask, “Who’s active right now? Who’s hurting?” Once you know your parts, this gets a lot easier.

Here are five steps you can follow next time you feel activated:

1. Notice the takeover

   • “I’m activated”

   • Body cues (tight chest, racing mind, urge to fix)

2. Name the part (and unblend — remind yourself: this is a part, not all of you)

   • “A younger part is here”

   • “This is a part of me, not all of me”

3. Get curious (2–3 questions)

   • “What are you afraid will happen?”

   • “What are you trying to protect me from?”

   • “What do you need from me right now?”

4. Lead (reassure + set a boundary)

   • “I hear you”

   • “You’re not driving today”

   • “We can feel this without reacting”

   • “We’ll take one clean step”

5. Choose a regulated next action

   • Pick one: walk, breathwork, journaling, hot yoga, call a friend, or time-box rumination

The other thing I do when I feel really activated is remind the part who I am now. Why should it listen to me?

I remind it that I’m a 39-year-old man who knows so much more about myself and about life. I remind the part how much work I’ve done so it can trust me, release the wheel, and let me start steering.

As I mentioned, these parts are often earlier versions of us.

18-year-old me wasn’t prepared for stress, anxiety, or panic attacks. But 39-year-old me is a damn veteran dealing with these things. I can handle it. The part doesn’t need to.

I’ve had many of these conversations with my parts, and I always feel better afterward. Lighter. More in control. More able to focus on what I actually need in that moment.

That’s true Self-leadership.

Start Small

You don’t need to be an IFS expert to get value from it today.

Next time you feel yourself spiraling, notice that a part of you is activated.

Ask: “What is it protecting me from?”

And respond with compassion and leadership: “I’m here. I’ve got you. Let me lead. I can handle it.”

The goal isn’t to silence your parts, but to become the leader your parts trust.

You’ll notice your parts start to quiet down once you’ve shown them you can be that trusted leader.

If you’d like to read more about IFS, I highly suggest reading Dr. Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts.

If this resonated, reply in the comments: what “part” shows up for you most often—the critic, the fixer, the pleaser, or the numbing part?

If you want, tell me what tends to trigger it. I read every reply.

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Most of us don’t drink alcohol because we love the taste.

Do you remember your first drink? Did you say “Wow, that’s amazing, I want more!” or did you have a pretty visceral reaction?

I remember tasting my dad’s beer and thinking it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever tasted.

Most people drink for the relief it promises from stress, anxious thoughts, and social pressure.

And for a few hours, it works. That’s the seductive part.

But what if those drinks you think are taking the edge off are actually sharpening it? What if the calm you feel tonight is just tomorrow’s anxiety waiting to collect interest?

Here are five lies we tell ourselves about drinking.

If you’ve ever said any of these to yourself, you’re not alone.

#1: I Deserve This

You do deserve relief. You deserve rest.

But alcohol doesn’t deliver it. It disrupts sleep and pushes your anxiety to later—often louder.

You deserve recovery, not a delay button.

#2: It Helps Me Unwind

It slows your nervous system down temporarily. But that’s not the same as actually resolving stress.

Those of us with anxiety know what it’s like to drink one day and feel hangxiety the next.

If it truly helped you unwind, you wouldn’t pay for it the next day.

#3: I’m More Fun When I Drink

Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions. That probably feels like confidence in the moment.

Have you been sober around drunk people? Do you find them fun? Sometimes they are. Sometimes, not so much.

Trying to be fun enough for drunk people is a losing battle.

If you feel like you’re only that fun after a few drinks, it might be worth getting curious about what makes you feel alive and confident without alcohol.

#4: Everyone Does It

Many people drink, but popularity doesn’t make something harmless.

Plenty of common habits quietly harm the people practicing them. For instance, a lot of people scroll themselves numb every night. That doesn’t mean it’s restoring them.

#5: I Can Stop Anytime

Maybe you can. I wasn’t able to.

That doesn’t make you weak, but it does mean it’s doing more work in your life than you think.

A better question is: Have you tried to take a break from drinking?

If the idea of not drinking for 30 days (or during a specific event) feels really uncomfortable, that discomfort might be telling you something.

Awareness is Key

I’m not anti-alcohol. It can be fine for some people.

If moderation worked for me, I probably would still be drinking.

What’s important is awareness. Is it actually adding something to your life?

Real relief doesn’t require a hangover.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your experience. Have you noticed any of these patterns in your own life? Drop a comment below — your perspective might help someone else see their own more clearly.

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When I was younger, a random spike of anxiety would be enough to push me into a full-blown panic attack.

They often came when I was alone because that’s when I felt my most vulnerable and unsafe.

I’d feel the anxiety spike in my body, usually starting with my chest and throat tightening.

That would be enough to catch my attention. “Oh no, it’s happening.”

If you’ve ever had that moment, you know how fast your world can shrink.

From there, as I noticed the symptoms coming online, my brain would start catastrophizing all the ways this could end poorly.

Back then, I didn’t know how to catch the embers early. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already in a five-alarm fire and my mind was convinced the whole house was going down.

I had to learn to stop living in “fire-drill mode,” where I only react once anxiety is unmanageable, and start training on normal days—so I can splash water on the embers long before they become flames.

Why Emergency Mode Makes Anxiety Worse

When you treat every anxiety spike like a crisis, your brain learns that anxiety = danger.

Every time I noticed anxiety, I panicked. And my brain learned: anxiety symptoms mean a panic attack is next. That’s the self-fulfilling loop.

Every time you go into emergency mode to “fix” your anxiety, you’re sending yourself the same message: this isn’t tolerable. And if it isn’t tolerable, your brain will keep treating it like a crisis.

This leads to three distinct costs:

• Cost #1: You train your system to panic faster once you notice familiar anxiety symptoms.

• Cost #2: You shrink your life to avoid what could spike your anxiety.

• Cost #3: You lose trust in yourself (“I can’t handle this”).

I spent most of my 20s and 30s paying these costs, living a smaller life, not trusting myself, and constantly reinforcing that a tight chest and shaky legs meant I was going to die.

Let me tell you, that’s not a way to live.

The Shift: From Fire Drills to Training Reps

Instead of panicking at the first anxiety symptom, the goal is to recognize what’s happening in your body as familiar, not fatal.

I’ve talked about the concept of anxiety being your body’s natural alarm system often on Above Anxiety.

The goal is to change your relationship with the symptoms—to treat them like an early alarm, not a catastrophe.

The symptoms are your body alerting you that the embers will turn into a blaze if you don’t change anything.

What I understand now is that my anxiety isn’t the enemy. It’s my nervous system asking for attention.

My 3 Daily Nervous System Reps

Those of us with more sensitive nervous systems have alarms with a much lower threshold. That means they can trigger earlier and more easily than other people’s.

It explains why I would seemingly be fine walking through a grocery store that I’ve been to many times and start to feel a wave of panic rush over me.

My alarm system was telling me I wasn’t safe… even though I clearly was.

It was just much more sensitive, trying to predict disaster while I was trying to find the protein bar section of the store.

The goal of daily reps is to build capacity so your alarm doesn’t go off as often, and when it does, you come back down faster. We want your nervous system to recognize real danger, not treat dinner with friends like an emergency.

Here are my favorite daily reps to turn down the sensitivity:

1. Meditation: I use a meditation app and do a 5-10 minute meditation as part of my morning routine. I love to do meditations focused on mindfulness and gratitude. Only 2-3 minutes of meditation helps.

2. Journaling: I also journal every morning as part of my routine to get my thoughts and emotions out. No more bottling everything up. Only a few sentences count.

3. Breathwork: I have a daily reminder on my phone at 12:30 pm to do breathwork for a few moments. I generally focus on box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, or the double-inhale-exhale. Three cycles is enough to make a difference.

What To Do When the Alarm Actually Goes Off

It’s important to have a plan for when your alarm actually does get triggered. Here is a good mini protocol:

1. Notice: “Okay, I’m noticing some anxiety symptoms like a tight chest and shaky hands.”

2. Breathe low and slow for 60–90 seconds. Choose any of the breathwork tools like 4-7-8 or box breathing.

3. Move: walk or shake out tension for 2 minutes. Anxiety creates energy in your system. It needs a way to be released or it will continue building.

4. Return to the moment: “What do I need right now?” (This could be rest, connection with another human being, light exercise like a walk, etc.)

The more you can catch your anxiety and bring your nervous system back down, the more your body learns anxiety isn’t something to be deathly afraid of.

You are re-tagging the anxiety symptoms as something that happens, not something to fear.

The Real Win

For a long time, I measured success (and my masculinity) by whether I had anxiety or not.

Now I measure success differently.

Success is me noticing embers of anxiety rise in my body—and not immediately sending it into a full-on house fire. It’s me being able to notice the symptoms, lead myself into calming my nervous system down, and then taking the next right step.

The more I’ve been able to do this, the easier it’s gotten. And the weirdest thing happens. When you learn you can handle it, it actually starts to dramatically quiet down.

These reps are meant for you to learn to trust yourself. You are now taking a leadership role in changing your relationship with anxiety and lowering the baseline on your alarm system.

You don’t need to eliminate your anxiety. You just need to stop treating it like a five-alarm emergency.

Pick one rep. Do it daily for the next 7 days. Then notice what shifts.

Let me know what you choose. Comment with one word: walk, breath, journal, meditate, or sleep.

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You’re driving down the highway, music turned all the way up, feeling great.

Suddenly—DING, DING, DING—an amber light pops up on your car’s dashboard: “Check engine.”

What do you do? Panic, cry, swear to the heavens? Do you ignore it and turn the radio up louder?

Most of us treat anxiety exactly like that annoying light on our car’s dashboard. We view it as a malfunction—something to be ignored.

But anxiety isn’t a malfunction. It’s feedback.

The body keeps the score, and it’s always trying to send us a signal.

Black Tape Over the Light

In my 20s and 30s, that check engine light was constantly going off. I would feel tense and on edge for no reason, get lost in constant rumination, and have panic attacks seemingly out of the blue.

I handled it by simply putting black tape over the amber light so I didn’t have to see it.

That black tape was every numbing behavior I used to ignore the warning light.

It was the antidepressant that leveled me out. It was the alcohol I abused on the weekends to take the edge off. It was TV, movies, video games, and anything else I could use to turn my brain off and run from the alarm.

It’s a Safety Feature, Not a Bug

I only learned in the last few years that the alarm isn’t something to fear, but something to listen to. It was trying to keep me safe all along.

It’s a hard lesson because when anxiety hits, it feels like the call is coming from inside the house. My brain screamed: You are not safe. I felt like my body was attacking me.

I could be sitting in a class of 25 students, discussing philosophy, when a wave of panic exploded through my body, telling me I wasn’t safe. Something was terribly wrong. I was in danger.

But all along, my body was just trying to signal to me that something was off. It was trying to get me to pull off to the side of the road and open up the hood before we exploded.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t eating healthy. I wasn’t exercising except for playing pickup basketball. I was drinking a lot of caffeine and binge drinking to the point of blackouts on the weekends, which was an altogether new activity for me.

I realize now that I had no concept of stress or anxiety, and therefore, no ability to manage these new physical symptoms. The only real learned behavior I had was from sports. Push through the discomfort and pain. Ignore it. Try harder. Go faster.

This stuff doesn’t work in the real world. It’s no wonder I exploded into panic attacks that brought me as close to the feeling of death as I’ve ever been.

Your body is here to help you, not hurt you. And your mind is smart enough to help you find a solution.

The “Pop the Hood” Protocol

Awareness is your most powerful investigative tool and it’s something that gets more powerful the more you exercise it.

Instead of running from your body’s sensations, I’m going to give you a healthier alternative.

1. Acknowledge the Alarm: When you feel that twinge of anxiety or any of the numerous physical symptoms that come with it, don’t try to put the black tape over it. Don’t reach for your phone, turn on the TV, or grab that drink. Just acknowledge its presence. “I see you, anxiety.” “I feel you, tight chest.” “I notice you, lump in my throat.”

2. Get Curious: Ask yourself, “What are you trying to protect me from right now? What are you trying to tell me?”

3. Gain Understanding: We are intuitive beings. Most of the time, if you spend a few moments thinking about what is going on in your life, you’ll be able to pinpoint one or more things you’re dreading or stressed out about. Acknowledging this message from your alarm system is often enough to quiet down the alarm because it feels heard.

4. Take a Maintenance Action: This could be anything that aligns with your purpose and/or goals. Go for a quick walk. Read a book. Take a calming bath. Journal.

Instead of numbing, you’re learning to acknowledge the thoughts and sensations, understand where they’re coming from, and then focus on one small action.

Maintenance vs. Repair

You wouldn’t drive for 20 years with the Oil Change or Check Engine lights on and then be shocked when the car no longer starts.

But when it comes to our internal systems, we often wait until the car is smoking on the side of the road before we even think to analyze what could be happening.

Your anxiety is not the enemy. It’s the most sensitive, dedicated alert system you have and it’s running 24/7 to keep you safe. The light is not the problem; ignoring it is.

The next time the light flashes, don’t cover it up.

Pull over. Pop the hood. Listen.

Whether it’s a 10-minute walk without your phone or simply closing your eyes for five deep breaths, pick one thing. If you’re willing, share your “maintenance plan” in the comments to inspire others.

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Most of my stress isn’t caused by what’s happening. It’s caused by what I’m not doing.

The email I still need to reply to. The conversation I’ve been avoiding. Those house updates I still haven’t addressed.

Anxiety loves open loops — unfinished tasks and unsaid conversations running in the background.

Have you ever been sitting at home “relaxing” while your brain refuses to shut off? That’s usually an open loop running in the background.

When I feel that familiar pressure building but I can’t name it, I use a tool that turns vague stress into one clear next step.

2-Minute “Future Me” Prompt

Set a 2-minute timer. Write one line per prompt. You can do this on paper or in a notes app.

Prompt 1

• The thing I’m avoiding is:

  • Example: “That email to ____.” / “Having the conversation about ____.”

Prompt 2

• I’m avoiding it because I’m afraid of:

  • Example: “looking incompetent,” “conflict,” “feeling rejected,” “making it worse.”

Prompt 3

• The next right step is:

  • Example: “Open the email and write a 3-sentence draft” / “Ask a friend for quick input before I send the text.”

Rule: If you can’t name a ≤10-minute step, make it smaller until you can. And pick one open loop only.

The goal is simple: identify what’s actually stressing you and choose a next action that doesn’t overwhelm you.

Quick Example

Let’s say you need to talk with your partner (or anyone close to you) about feeling dismissed or unheard.

Normally, you might explain it away, make excuses for them, and avoid bringing it up because you don’t want conflict. Then the anxiety shows up later — sometimes as “random” spikes you can’t even explain.

This exercise provides clarity:

1. The thing I’m avoiding is: “Talking with my partner about how I’ve felt unheard lately.”

2. I’m avoiding it because I’m afraid of: “Making them mad and creating strain on the relationship.”

3. The next right step is: “Write down my thoughts clearly (so I stay calm and focused) and ask to talk tomorrow.”

“Hey, there’s something I want to share calmly. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ve been feeling a little dismissed lately, and I want to work through it with you.”

Try It For A Week

I’ve noticed that when I’m able to explicitly name what I’m avoiding, it gets easier to deal with it. And the “random” anxiety makes more sense.

Try this 2-minute prompt for the next week. Get your thoughts out there, understand why you’re avoiding things, and take a clear next step to work through it.

Quick question: which part is hardest for you? Comment 1, 2, or 3 (no details needed):

1 = Naming what I’m avoiding

2 = Admitting what I’m afraid of

3 = Choosing the next right step

If there are patterns, I’ll write a follow-up post!

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The best thing I can do for you is work on myself, and the best thing you can do for me is work on yourself.1

—Ram Dass

Most of us don’t need more motivation. Or more hours in the day. Or even people in our lives to behave differently.

We need a better relationship with ourselves.

This relationship at its core affects everything else in your life.

You want to be a better parent? Friend? Family member? Employee? Community member?

How you treat yourself, and how you lead yourself, will have a greater effect on those areas than anything else in your life.

Your fancy degree won’t feel like much if you can’t connect with people. A high salary or a nice house don’t protect you from loneliness.

When you don’t lead yourself, the people around you usually feel it.

Therapy forced me to see something really uncomfortable. I wasn’t struggling because I was inherently broken. I was struggling because nobody inside me was steering the ship.

You can call it self-leadership or Self energy. I like both. But whatever you call it, it can change everything in your life.

So…how’s your relationship with you?

What is Self-Leadership?

Put simply, self-leadership is the ability to stay connected to yourself—and choose your next action from your values, not your impulses.

It’s the inner relationship where you become someone you can trust: you notice what you feel, what triggers you, and you respond with steadiness instead of getting hijacked by anxiety, distraction, or old patterns.

In other words, self-leadership is showing up as the calm adult in your own life, especially when parts of you are scared, reactive, or looking for relief.

Here’s what that looks like in real life.

Someone walks into a room and instantly triggers you—an ex, a complicated friend, someone you have history with. Your body reacts. Your mind spins. You start inventing explanations for what their presence “means.”

And now you’re not even in the room anymore. If a friend asks how you’re doing, you can’t connect. You’re stuck in rumination, trying to control something you can’t.

Self-leadership looks different. You notice the surge. You name it. You remind yourself, “Of course this is activating.” And then you choose your next move based on who you want to be, not what your fear is demanding.

That’s self-leadership in action.

How to Lead Yourself in Real Life

This sounds simple. It isn’t.

A lot of the time, we don’t notice what’s happening until we’re already deep in the rabbit hole. That’s why the goal is awareness—building a little space between what happens and how you respond.

In that space, these are three steps I’ve found helpful.

Step 1: Name What’s Happening (Awareness)

If an ex walks in (Scenario A) or a coworker calls you out (Scenario B), you’re going to feel something. That’s normal.

Your job is to name it. Thoughts and body.

Scenario A: “I feel sad. My stomach is tight. A part of me is asking, ‘Why is she here? What does this mean?’”

Scenario B: “I feel angry and hot. My chest is tight. A part of me wants to snap back and defend myself.”

Step 2: Offer Leadership, Not Arguments

Don’t debate the feeling. Lead it.

Scenario A: “Of course this hurts. You cared deeply for this person. It makes sense. I’m here, and I can handle this. We’re staying grounded.”

Scenario B: “That was frustrating and unprofessional. I get why you want to react. But we’re going to respond with control and clarity.”

Step 3: Choose the Next Right Action

Now pick the smallest next move that matches who you want to be.

Scenario A: “Three slow breaths. Ground my feet on the floor. I’m coming back to the present and back to what I’m doing.”

Scenario B: “Stick to facts. Keep it short. If it continues, I’ll ask to talk privately after this.”

Again, easy for me to write out the scenarios here, much tougher to do in real time.

But how do you improve your chances of being able to lead yourself in difficult situations?

These steps are what you do in the moment. But your ability to do them depends on what your nervous system feels like most days.

If you’re constantly in fight-or-flight, calm leadership won’t be available when it counts.

Doing the “little things” regularly such as meditation, exercise, sleep, decent food, and real connection makes it more likely you can respond from self-leadership instead of panic.

The Promise You’re Really Making

The goal isn’t to become some superhuman who never struggles. The goal is to simply become someone you don’t abandon.

When you consistently show up for yourself, trust builds. Anxiety starts to lose its leverage. And your life gets quieter in the best way.

Choose yourself today and watch how your life improves.

Where do you notice you abandon yourself the most: your health, your relationships, your work, or your peace?

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We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.

— Seneca

If you have a beating heart, you’ve likely dealt with anxiety in some form.

Anxiety is a natural part of being human, especially in a modern world that constantly pulls our attention in every direction.

It often shows up when we try to control things that aren’t actually within our control—our future, other people, outcomes we can’t predict.

When that happens, our minds race ahead. We worry about what might happen, replay what already did, and exhaust ourselves trying to gain certainty where none exists.

This is where Stoicism becomes useful.

What Stoicism Actually Is (And Isn’t)

It is not events that disturb people, but their judgments about them.

— Epictetus

Stoicism is often misunderstood as emotional detachment or indifference to life. That’s not what it is.

Stoicism is a practical philosophy built for moments of uncertainty. It was developed to help people navigate fear, loss, and unpredictability without being overwhelmed by them. Not by suppressing emotion, but by learning how to respond to life more deliberately.

At its core, Stoicism teaches a simple but powerful skill: distinguishing between what is within your control and what isn’t.

When that line is clear, anxiety begins to loosen its grip. When it isn’t, suffering tends to multiply.

The Core Stoic Insight That Calms Anxiety: Control

Some things are in our control and others are not.

— Epictetus

At the center of Stoicism is a simple distinction: some things are within our control, and some things aren’t.

This matters because anxiety tends to ignore that line. We try to manage outcomes, predict other people’s behavior, and prepare for every possible future scenario. When we can’t, our nervous system stays on high alert.

The Stoics argued that this is where unnecessary suffering begins. Not because we care too much, but because we invest our energy in places where we have no real influence.

What is within our control is smaller than we often want it to be. But it’s also more stable. Our choices. Our values. How we respond in the moment.

When we place our focus there, anxiety doesn’t vanish, but it starts to lose its intensity.

Stoicism doesn’t ask you to stop caring. It asks you to stop confusing effort with control.

How Stoicism Changes Your Relationship With Anxious Thoughts

As I’ve incorporated Stoicism concepts into my daily life, I’ve realized I’ve been able to have much clearer separation between my thoughts and feelings.

The rumination causes us to ratchet up our anxiety because we are grasping at things outside our control. It’s telling us something is wrong.

What Stoicism invites you to do is to pause and ask yourself what is actually happening.

How to Practice: When you catch yourself ruminating in the moment, ask yourself a simple question:

“Is this within my control right now?”

• If your answer is no, loosen your grip. There is nothing you can do.

• If your answer is yes, act calmly and deliberately. Take action.

For example: When you’re waiting on a reply to a text, anxiety convinces you that the meaning of the silence is already known, even though the only real fact is that you’re still waiting.

The Stoic response isn’t to force reassurance. It’s to notice that the mind is speculating and not reporting facts.

That shift allows you to create space. The thought can still be there. But it no longer has to dictate your emotional response.

You don’t need to argue with it or suppress it. You simply stop mistaking it for reality.

Practicing Acceptance Without Resignation

Key Stoic Idea: Amor Fati

Meaning: Love reality as it is

One common criticism of acceptance is the fear of becoming passive in life.

“If I accept everything that happens to me, won’t I just let life beat me down and lose control of my own life?”

That’s not what Stoicism is asking of you. It’s still asking you to be the main character in your own story.

What it’s telling you not to do is actively focus on anything outside of your control.

Anxiety feeds on resistance. When we resist the urge to ruminate about things we cannot control, that acceptance creates breathing room.

And our anxiety naturally eases as a result. Your brain can relax. You cannot think your way into outcomes you cannot control.

Stoicism as a Daily Practice

Outside of catching yourself in the moment, how might you put Stoicism into practice daily?

Here are three simple practices that Stoics like Marcus Aurelius incorporated into their daily lives:

1. Set a Morning Intention: “What in my control today?”

2. Midday Check-In: “Am I reacting or responding?”

3. Evening Reflection: “What did I handle well, even if I felt anxious?”

The goal is to build this philosophy of focusing on only what you can control into your daily life. These practices are more like physical training—the effects compound over time.

You’ll find it will help you to change your relationship with the outside world, worrying less and focusing on yourself more.

Stoicism Won’t Cure Anxiety—But It Can Shrink It

Stoicism is a framework for steadiness in any storm. It gives you the mindset and tools for better self-leadership to brave any situation.

Anxiety may still show up, but you don’t have to meet it with panic or resistance.

Have you found Stoicism or another philosophy helpful for your anxiety journey? Let me know in the comments!

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“Was that text too direct and blunt?” I thought to myself after I had already hit send — a message I sent after a date.

“Crap. Maybe it was. Let me re-read it.” (I proceeded to re-read it 20 times and make up scenarios in my head for how this person would respond.)

Most of the scenarios I gamed out ended in inevitable homelessness. My text wasn’t taken well, the local news got involved, and somehow I got arrested.

Now my body is in fight-or-flight: my heart rate is up, my chest is tight, and I’m in a rumination spiral.

Of course, none of those disaster scenarios happened. I was honest and respectful. I sent a message that aligned with my values.

But for those of us who overthink everything, even small interactions can turn into a loop that triggers our nervous system and throws us off.

Why does this happen and how do you stop it?

What the Rumination Loop Actually Is (and Why It Escalates)

Rumination is any repetitive, circular thinking that is not based on any new information and has no resolution.

To be clear: Rumination is not problem-solving. Problem-solving is based on moving forward and finding a solution. Rumination is simply spinning your wheels with no end in sight.

We often get stuck ruminating on everyday situations, which activates our nervous system because our body perceives a threat.

When your nervous system stays activated, anxiety and panic escalate.

When I had my first panic attack at 18, I was deep in finals-week catastrophizing. One bad grade felt like it would ruin my entire future.

Looking back, I didn’t need a better pep talk. I needed a way to stop the spiral earlier—before it hijacked my body. This is what’s helped me most.

The Interrupt: Why Questions Work Better Than Reassurance

One of the best tools I’ve learned for interrupting the spiral is to ask yourself grounded questions.

When you try to reassure yourself, like “You’ll be fine. This won’t be a problem,” it simply invites more checking and more reassurance.

Now you’re having a full-on conversation trying to convince yourself you’ll be fine. For most people, this doesn’t work.

By asking grounded questions that get to the heart of the situation, you force your mind to change gears.

That creates space between you and the thought.

This won’t always stop anxiety instantly if your nervous system is already activated. But it will stop the escalation so it doesn’t get any worse.

The 3 Grounded Questions

Question #1: “Is this a problem I can actually solve right now?”

This question is designed to break the illusion of urgency.

Rumination convinces you that everything needs to be figured out right now, even when there’s nothing actionable you can actually do in this moment.

If the answer is “no,” your mind isn’t problem-solving — it’s stuck in rumination.

Once you name it as unsolvable right now, you give yourself permission to stop engaging instead of trying to ruminate your way out of it.

Question #2: “What evidence do I have that this thought is true?”

This question is designed to separate fact from fiction.

Much of spiraling involves us making up scenarios in our head, like what happened after I sent that post-date text.

I find it helpful to simply name the facts in as dry language as possible:

• “I sent a text message.”

• “It was respectful and kind, but I told her I’m not interested.”

• “She has not responded.”

Those are the only facts I know about the situation.

What you’ll notice as you ask yourself this question is that most of the time, evidence is thin or nonexistent to support any of your additional ruminations.

Anxiety is loud, but it’s often not accurate.

Focus on the facts. Then move on.

Question #3: “What would I tell a friend having this thought?”

This question is designed to introduce self-compassion and perspective.

Most of us are far harsher with ourselves than we are with anyone else. But if you imagine a friend in the exact same situation, you’d naturally respond with steadiness and kindness.

Borrow that tone.

What would you actually say to them? Probably something like: “You don’t know the outcome yet. You were respectful. And you can handle whatever comes next.”

When you talk to yourself that way, your tone softens, your body reads less danger, and you can respond from a calmer, more grounded place.

Anxiety and panic often feed on self-attack.

Talk to yourself like a friend.

How to Use This Before Panic Hits

Timing with these questions matters.

Don’t wait until you’re in a full-blown panic attack to start asking yourself questions. You most likely won’t be able to access these questions and logic at tyat point.

These questions work best early—as you notice yourself starting to worry about a scenario.

You might notice your nervous system start to activate: Your heart rate might increase, your chest might get tight, you might notice the pit in your stomach.

These are signs your nervous system is activating. These questions can help stop that escalation before panic sets in.

Suggested Practice

Choose just one of the questions to get started. Write it down on a piece of paper or in your phone’s Notes app.

Pull it up from time to time to review so you’ve built the muscle memory of finding it in the moment.

As soon as you notice you’re ruminating (and not problem-solving), pull up the question and start thinking through it.

This is a skill, not a trick. Repetition is what builds it.

You’re Not Broken, You’re Thoughtful

Rumination doesn’t happen because you’re weak or flawed.

It’s a natural extension of being an introspective, thoughtful human being in the modern world.

But it becomes a problem when it contributes to your stress, anxiety, and panic.

The goal is progress: catching rumination earlier and questioning its accuracy from a safer distance.

Give this a try today. Which question hits the hardest for you? Let me know in the comments!

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