It took me two hours to decide to buy a baseball ticket.

Not because I couldn’t afford it. Not because I didn’t want to go. But because every friend I asked was busy, which meant I’d have to go alone. And my inner critic had a lot of opinions about that.

“People will think you’re weird.”

“They’ll think you must not have friends.”

“Women won’t like you.”

As a sober 39-year-old with mostly married friends, my weekends have become very quiet.

In that quiet, I’ve come face-to-face with my “edge.”

What is an Edge, Anyway?

Your edge is the specific point where your discomfort becomes loud enough to make a decision for you — usually the decision to stay home, stay safe, or stay small.

Your edges might be very different than mine, but we all have them.

I’m here to tell you today, if you want to live a full life, you need to find your edges and learn how to calmly go beyond them.

The Reds Game

The Los Angeles Angels are in town this weekend playing my Cincinnati Reds. I’ve been a Reds fan my entire life and my dad and I shared a love of watching their games. I watch almost all their games, even despite how bad they’ve been in the last 20+ years.

The Angels have a future Hall of Famer on their team, the great Mike Trout. I’ve never seen Mike Trout play in person, so the last few days, I’ve been wanting to go watch him play.

Previously, this edge would’ve kept me at home, watching the game by myself, feeling lonely.

Instead, I decided to not listen and test my edge. Could I go to this game by myself and have fun without worrying about what other people were thinking about me?

Not a single person gave me a weird look. And even if they did, who cares?

I had a fun, relaxing time at the game and I sat next to a guy that was by himself and had a great conversation.

He was keeping score manually on a scorecard and so I asked him about that. He mentioned he was a Cubs fan who just wanted to catch a game. But his dad and his grandpa always kept the score manually on a scorecard when they went to games, so he does it out of habit, too.

Yesterday, I sanded down an edge. I truly believe that each time we do this work, we live more in alignment with who we are meant to be.

Finding Your Edge

So how do you go about finding your edges and then pushing through them?

Let’s focus on three simple steps:

Step 1: Identify your edge

This requires awareness. When and where does your inner critic get the loudest? What are the situations in which you are the most uncomfortable? These are edges.

Step 2: Take a micro step

Once you’ve found an edge, you can choose to take a micro step. I’m not asking you to go do some elaborate thing, like signing up to run a marathon if you’re scared to exercise around other people.

Start with something small like walking outside in your neighborhood for 10 minutes. The bigger action you try to take, the lower your chances are of actually going through with it.

Start small and build up your momentum. That’s how you make lasting progress.

Step 3: Notice the shift

Once you do it, notice how the edge moves out a little further. You’re moving the goalposts one micro step at a time.

Imagine what you can accomplish if you continually take small micro actions to push your boundaries and increase your capacity.

My next solo mission is doing a breathwork workshop at my hot yoga studio this Friday. I’m already a little anxious about it. It will be a much more intimate environment and I’ve never done breathwork around others before. But I’m excited to further smooth this edge down.

Your Next Micro-Step

You don’t have to overhaul your life this weekend. You don’t have to suddenly become the guy who travels the world solo or the one who is perfectly comfortable in every uncomfortable situation.

Just look for one small edge. One tiny area where your inner critic is keeping you playing smaller than you need to be. Step into that discomfort, just for a moment, and see what happens on the other side.

I’d love to hear from you: What is an “edge” you’ve been avoiding? Or, if you’re already practicing this, what is one thing you actually love doing by yourself? Let me know in the comments.

We are all working on this together.

Thank you so much for reading.

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For some people, rest does not feel peaceful at first. It feels wrong.

You finally have some free time. Nothing urgent is happening. You should feel relieved.

Instead, you feel restless. Guilty. Exposed.

Your mind starts telling you that you should be doing something more productive. That everyone else is out living a fuller life. That you’re wasting time or falling behind.

I’ve spent plenty of Sundays anxious with no real plans, feeling like the world was passing me by. I’d imagine my friends out doing fun things with their families while I sat at home watching TV or looking at my phone.

We live in a culture that often confuses busyness with worth. So stillness can feel uncomfortable, exposing, even like failure.

If relaxing makes you uneasy, there’s probably a reason.

Why Relaxing Can Feel Bad

First, your body may be used to being “on.”

If you live with chronic stress, your system gets used to motion, pressure, and mental noise. Being on edge starts to feel normal.

So when life finally gets quiet, peace can feel uncomfortable.

Second, rest removes distraction.

Sometimes people are not afraid of rest itself. They are afraid of what shows up when the distractions are gone. When you stop doing, you may have to feel what you’ve been avoiding.

Third, you may believe rest has to be earned.

A lot of us tell ourselves, “Once I get everything done, then I can relax.” But everything is never fully done. There will always be more laundry, more emails, more dishes, and more loose ends waiting for your attention.

My Experience

I relate to all three of those reasons, but the second one hits me the hardest.

One thing I’m working on this year is getting more comfortable with quiet time at home. Through therapy, I’ve realized how active my inner critic can be during unstructured alone time.

It tells me I’m behind. It tells me I should be working on something more meaningful. It tries to turn quiet into shame.

I’ve realized I often try to fill my weekends not just because connection matters to me, but because too much unstructured alone time feels uncomfortable. It’s easier to stay busy than to sit still and hear what my mind has to say.

Here’s What to Do Instead

I’m learning not to force relaxation, but to ease into it.

That might look like five minutes of meditation. Reading outside for fifteen minutes. Walking my dog without trying to turn it into something productive. Sitting on my deck for a few minutes with no music, no podcast, and no task. Just being there.

I’m learning how to sit with quiet without filling every second with TV, music, or podcasts.

Rest Is Necessary

You do not need to become great at relaxing overnight. The work is getting more comfortable with it. Letting your body and mind settle without feeling like you have to earn it.

For some people, peace and quiet feel strange before they feel safe. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Your body just isn’t used to it yet.

Rest is not something you have to earn. It is part of being human.

What does rest feel like in your body: peace, guilt, or restlessness?

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I once signed up for a conference because I genuinely wanted to learn. The room was full of smart, growth-minded people. On paper, I should have felt right at home. Instead, I felt anxious and completely alone.

Why was that?

Sometimes anxiety is not random. Sometimes it’s a sign that your environment, energy, and stimulation level are out of sync with how you’re wired.

I’ve learned that large social settings, especially with strangers, overstimulate me quickly. I’m naturally introverted, so even when I show up well socially, it still costs me energy.

I can speak to a room full of strangers for an hour. I recently went back to my high school and spoke to 60–70 juniors and seniors about my journey with anxiety and alcohol abuse, the lessons I’ve learned, and a few tools that can help them live a more grounded life.

After I gave the speech, I drove 50 minutes back to Cincinnati in complete silence.

That contrast taught me a lot about what drains me, what restores me, and why my anxiety shows up when it does.

The better I understand those patterns, the easier it becomes to manage my energy and anxiety.

Stop Moralizing, Start Observing

For a long time, my inner critic beat me up for not being more like my extroverted friends.

I grew up around people who were naturally outgoing and energized by constant interaction, so I assumed that was the standard.

I judged myself for not being more social, more energized by groups, or more comfortable in highly stimulating environments. I thought something was wrong with me when really, I just didn’t understand my own patterns yet.

That changed when I stopped judging myself and started paying attention. Part of that inner work was better understanding my personality, my energy, and the kinds of stimulation that affect me most.

How can you do that? Let’s break it down into three buckets: personality, energy, and stimulation.

Your Personality Patterns

Notice your natural tendencies so you can better understand yourself instead of holding yourself to standards that don’t actually fit you.

• Do you recharge around people or away from them?

• Do you like spontaneity or do you do better with a plan?

• Do you enjoy deep conversation but get drained by small talk?

• Do you thrive in calm environments or constant activity?

Your personality patterns shape more of your daily stress than you may realize. They influence what drains you, what restores you, and which environments quietly put your nervous system on edge.

When I answer those questions, my introversion shows up pretty quickly:

I recharge away from people, do better with a plan, and feel much more at ease in calm environments than highly stimulating ones. I love deep conversation, but constant small talk, especially with people I don’t know, drains me fast.

Your Energy Patterns

You can’t manage your energy well if you don’t know what drains you and what restores you.

And to be clear, time and energy are not the same thing. You can have plenty of room in your calendar and still not have the capacity for what’s on it.

A lot of anxiety comes from saying yes based on time available instead of energy available.

Think about these questions:

• When do you feel sharpest during the day?

• What consistently drains you?

• What genuinely restores you?

• How much social time is too much?

• How many obligations can you handle in one day before stress and anxiety start to rise?

Your Stimulation Patterns

The better you understand your personality and energy, the easier it becomes to notice what overstimulates you.

Overstimulation can feel a lot like anxiety. Your heart speeds up, your chest tightens, and suddenly everything feels like too much.

A few common overstimulation triggers:

• Crowded places

• Too much noise

• Too much phone time

• Back-to-back plans

• Too many decisions

• Emotionally intense people

• Work all day plus socializing at night with no reset

The big ones for me are crowded places and lots of plans on the same day without being able to reset.

A full day in a wedding party can be very overstimulating, especially when you know you need to stay grounded and present the whole time.

The last wedding I was in, I knew the day would be a lot for me. That morning I went for a walk, then sat outside to journal and meditate before the rest of the activities started.

Throughout the day, I took breaks whenever I could, especially before I gave the best man’s speech to almost 200 people. Those breaks helped me stay regulated so I could show up as my best self.

Start Tracking What Restores You and What Drains You

Here are some questions I would suggest you start tracking over time:

• What activities leave me calmer afterward?

• What environments make me tense without me realizing it?

• Who do I feel grounded around?

• What social situations take more out of me than I care to admit?

• What does a good day have in common?

• What does a draining day have in common?

As you’re doing this reflection, also notice if that annoying little inner critic drops in to judge you based on your answers.

Your job is simply to notice what’s true without judging yourself for it.

Plan Your Life Around Reality, Not Guilt

Once you understand your patterns, you can start to build a life around what actually restores you.

There are plenty of things I have to do that drain me. I’m able to reduce a lot of that anxiety now because I understand where it comes from, and I can build recovery into my schedule before I hit a wall.

The goal isn’t to control your life perfectly. That won’t ever be possible. But you can understand yourself well enough that your days stop working against you.

What’s one thing you’ve noticed lately that drains you, and one thing that genuinely restores you?

Leave a comment and let me know!

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The most profound lesson I’ve learned these past few years is something I already knew, but didn’t truly believe.

I matter.

I am enough. Just as I am.

Even with good parents, a lot of us still learned to measure ourselves by output, status, and approval.

A lot of us were taught that our worth had to be earned.

How many of you have gone to a friend’s house and immediately noticed something you wished you had?

Maybe they have a beautiful kitchen, a bigger house, or the kind of family life you’ve always wanted.

Those moments can make us feel small. Jealous. Insecure. We start asking questions like, “Why do they get that life and I don’t?”

Here’s the truth:

Those things do not determine your value.

I want you to really take this in: you do not have to prove anything to matter.

Your value as a human being is inherent simply because you are a human being.

That’s the message today.

You do not need to earn your worth. You already have it.

Go spend your time building a life that aligns with your values, not chasing proof that you matter.

Have a great Sunday!

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I’ve struggled in the past to be a rock for someone else when they’re falling apart.

My immediate thought was always, “Well, let me figure out what the problem is. And then let’s fix it.”

For someone with a dysregulated nervous system, logic and reason are basically offline. That’s why your best advice won’t land in that moment. Their alarm system is activated, and fight-or-flight has taken the wheel.

I never understood why my significant other would get mad at me. I’m trying to help you. Why are you lashing out at me?

Here’s what I didn’t understand back then: co-regulation isn’t about saying the perfect thing or solving the problem on the spot. It’s about staying steady. Being with them. Letting their nervous system borrow your calm long enough to come back down.

How can you better show up for someone else when they’re dysregulated? Here’s the simplest way I know to do it.

What is Co-Regulation?

If you read last week’s post, this will be a quick refresher.

Co-regulation is when one person’s nervous system helps calm someone else’s. Just being near someone steady can slow your heart rate and deepen your breathing.

And something interesting: humans aren’t the only mammals that co-regulate. Plenty of other animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, help each other regulate their nervous systems.

So what do you actually do in the moment? Here’s the simplest framework I’ve found.

How to Be STEADY

You don’t need to memorize this acronym. The goal for you is to recognize someone needs help, regulate yourself first, and then be there with empathy and reassurance.

• S – Settle yourself first: Exhale. Shoulders down. Relax your jaw.

• T – Tone low, pace slow: How you talk with someone who’s dysregulated matters. Lower your tone, speak softly, and slow your pace.

• E – Empathy: “That sounds heavy.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.”

• A – Ask what they need: “How can I help?” Sometimes they won’t know what they need, so move on to the next step.

• D – Direct them to the body: Help them get back into their body. Have them focus on long, deep, slow breaths. They can focus on the pressure of their feet on the floor or their body in a chair. Have them name objects and colors they can see in the room. The goal is to get them out of their mind.

• Y – You stay present: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe. I’ve got you.”

Keep in mind: If you get activated and your nervous system is on overdrive, this will only make things worse for them. Your job is to be the steady helper in the moment.

Sometimes, you might not be in a position to be steady. That’s okay. Your job then is to help that person find someone else who can.

What NOT To Do

You have the ability to calm someone else down. You also have the ability to make things even worse.

Here are some things to avoid in the moment:

• Don’t try to minimize what they’re feeling. “You’re fine. Relax.”

• Don’t try to rationalize their fear. “You’re not dying. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

• Don’t try to problem-solve.

• Don’t ask a bunch of questions.

• Don’t make it about you.

Anxiety doesn’t respond to a lecture. It responds to safety.

Be That Safety for Someone Else

We aren’t meant to regulate alone. Our nervous systems are built to settle with the help of others.

The best gift you can give someone when they’re dysregulated is your presence and steadiness.

You don’t need to be a therapist. All it takes is your awareness and calm.

You can do it.

What’s the most helpful thing someone has said to you or done for you when you were spiraling? Let me know in the comments.

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Intuitively, we all know that there are people you don’t feel comfortable around. And people who feel like home.

Most of us were never taught to trust that signal. We override it with other emotions: attraction, obsession, the need to be chosen.

We are social creatures, and we often forget that we need each other for regulation.

Especially here in America, where we idolize independence, we don’t get taught something basic: we’re supposed to help each other regulate.

Here’s what co-regulation is, why it works, and how to ask for it without feeling weird.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the biological process of using someone else’s nervous system to calm your own. We’re wired for connection, but many of us were taught to treat that as “needy.”

When you’re dysregulated, your nervous system is in threat mode, defaulting to fight or flight instead of calm reasoning and reassurance.

For that dysregulated person, this is often terrifying and disorienting. Dealing with this alone can be one of the scariest experiences, because it can feel like you’re losing control of your mind and body.

Co-regulation can be the antidote to that spiral and often requires nothing more than someone else’s calm, regulated nervous system in proximity to you (or even on the phone).

The most interesting thing to me about co-regulation is that humans are not the only mammals that do this.

Did you know:

• Dogs: Can sync heart rate variability (HRV) with their owners during interaction. Your dog can literally help regulate your nervous system.

• Elephants: Use touch and proximity to calm each other in response to distress.

• Chimps: Groom one another to reduce anxiety through physical touch and can show measurable decreases in heart rate and cortisol (the stress hormone).

Being around someone calm can lower your baseline anxiety and help you regulate in moments of distress.

How it Actually Works

Our bodies are constantly monitoring for threats and safety at an unconscious level.

We’re monitoring facial expressions, tone, proximity, touch, connection, and a whole host of other factors to assess if we’re safe.

Being near someone (or even on the phone with them) with a calm nervous system can help you match their pace. It doesn’t happen instantly. But with a little time, your body downshifts: you relax, your heart rate drops, and your breathing slows.

That’s one of the best parts about being human.

Our presence can greatly affect someone else’s nervous system. We can either dysregulate others or regulate them simply by how we show up.

How to Ask for Co-Regulation

Understanding all of this, many of us are still too damn proud or too scared to ask for help.

We pride ourselves on our independence, feel shame for asking for help, and don’t even know how to ask for it.

Here are some ideas for how to ask for co-regulation when you really need it.

Scripts:

• “I’m feeling _______ right now. Do you mind if I quietly hang out with you for a little bit to calm down?”

• “Do you mind sitting with me (or talking with me) for a few minutes?”

• “Can I call you? I’m feeling _________ and just need to hear someone’s calm voice.”

The hard truth about emotions like anxiety and shame is that they are amplified in isolation. It’s very easy to spiral when you’re alone trying to manage heavy or intense emotions by yourself.

Part of leading and loving yourself is asking for help when you need it.

This does not make you weak or a burden. People who truly love you show up for you when you need them. Just like you show up for them.

Action Item: Think about a few friends or family members who would make calm co-regulators. You can save this as a list on your phone, a favorite in your contacts, or just make a mental note.

Bonus points: Ask them ahead of time to be a part of your team so they understand the mission. And if you feel confident enough, you can mention you’ll be there for them as well.

When feelings get too big to handle alone, you want to be able to quickly catch them and choose who to connect with in the moment.

We Are Not Meant to Regulate Alone

Humans are social creatures, despite how many of us live these days.

Co-regulation isn’t some new woo-woo activity that an influencer created. It’s biology, and we’re just one of many species that has learned how to calm each other down and make each other feel safe.

On your toughest days, don’t try to numb your way out of anxiety. If possible, lean on your support system to get you back to equilibrium.

Next week: I’ll cover how to help someone else regulate when they’re spiraling (and what not to do).

When you’re spiraling, what do you usually do first: isolate or reach out? Let me know in the comments.

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No matter what was going on in my life, I used to struggle with leading myself. I was like a leaf, blowing wherever the wind or other people took me.

I had no concept of why I was the way I was. Why I reacted certain ways. What patterns I kept repeating. And I definitely didn’t know how to weather storms.

I didn’t have outbursts. I silently imploded.

I learned not to trust my intuition or my ability to handle whatever came next.

It wasn’t until I learned about “parts work” through Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I began to take the wheel on my own life.

It’s the most profound work I’ve ever done, and I use it daily to care for my inner parts and lead myself from a calm, collected center (my “Self”).

Brief Intro to Internal Family Systems

IFS is a therapeutic framework developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz to help people understand their inner world and lead from their benevolent Self energy.

IFS says we have an inner family of parts that developed to protect us from situations we couldn’t handle. It’s made up of a few key elements:

• Managers: Proactive protectors that try to keep life controlled and predictable so you don’t get hurt. They show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, staying busy, staying “good,” or trying to manage everyone’s perception of you.

• Firefighters: Reactive protectors that rush in when the pain gets unbearable to shut it down. These are the parts behind numbing, escaping, compulsive distractions, overworking, bingeing—anything that gives immediate relief.

• Exiles: The younger, vulnerable parts that carry the original pain: fear, shame, grief, loneliness, “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m unsafe.” Managers and firefighters often work hard to keep these exiled feelings from being felt because they’re so difficult to deal with.

• Self: Who you are at your core. Your calm, grounded center. This isn’t another part that needs fixing. It’s the leader. The goal is to work with your protectors from Self to care for your inner system.

If this sounds a little strange at first, stay with me.

“Parts” is just language for something you already know is true: you’re not the same person when you’re calm as when you’re triggered. IFS gives you a way to notice that shift and choose who leads.

To drive this home, let me give you an example from my life.

A Quick Example of Parts in Real Life

My Panic Manager

I have a panic part of me that developed when I had my first panic attack at 18 and thought I was dying. That trauma still lives in my body.

It gets activated when I feel sensations that remind me of that panic attack, like when my heart starts racing for no reason.

A Manager part formed to prevent that from ever happening again. It became obsessed with control. It tried to control variables in my life to avoid anything that might spike anxiety, because I learned anxiety grew into panic. And panic was terrifying.

That showed up in simple ways:

• I wanted to drive to everything “just in case” I needed to leave.

• I avoided traveling far because the idea of panicking away from my support systems felt unbearable.

Your parts develop to shield and protect you from things you didn’t yet have the ability to handle. A lot of times, they end up hurting you despite wanting to help.

I’ve missed out on experiences and connections because my Manager part was trying to protect me from the possibility of panic.

My Panic Firefighter

Firefighters are more intense. Their job is to put out the fire by any means necessary. People with addictions often have very active Firefighters that use substances to shield them from their most intense feelings and memories.

I have a panic Firefighter that would come online when I was really anxious, and it often used alcohol.

If I put myself in an overwhelming situation, like a house party with lots of people I didn’t know, I’d use alcohol to put the anxiety fire out.

What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t solving anything. I was making it worse once the alcohol wore off.

Accepting and Loving Your Parts

Therapy has been instrumental in my ability to understand my parts and lead from Self.

It’s also helped me accept and love them.

When you get triggered, a part takes the wheel. It starts doing what it learned to do a long time ago. And most of our parts are earlier, younger versions of ourselves, so they don’t always behave in helpful, mature ways.

I’ve learned that love is choosing to lead my parts by connecting with them, reassuring them I’m here, and asking them to quiet down and let me lead.

What Self-Leadership Looks Like

This has been the most profound work of my life. Even during the hardest moments this past year, I’ve been able to show up, lead my parts, and stay rooted in Self, even when it hurts.

I’m not perfect. I still find myself ruminating too long, wallowing, and not catching it fast enough.

But like most things, it’s a muscle. With practice, you catch it sooner and you lead more.

Now when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I can take a step back and ask, “Who’s active right now? Who’s hurting?” Once you know your parts, this gets a lot easier.

Here are five steps you can follow next time you feel activated:

1. Notice the takeover

   • “I’m activated”

   • Body cues (tight chest, racing mind, urge to fix)

2. Name the part (and unblend — remind yourself: this is a part, not all of you)

   • “A younger part is here”

   • “This is a part of me, not all of me”

3. Get curious (2–3 questions)

   • “What are you afraid will happen?”

   • “What are you trying to protect me from?”

   • “What do you need from me right now?”

4. Lead (reassure + set a boundary)

   • “I hear you”

   • “You’re not driving today”

   • “We can feel this without reacting”

   • “We’ll take one clean step”

5. Choose a regulated next action

   • Pick one: walk, breathwork, journaling, hot yoga, call a friend, or time-box rumination

The other thing I do when I feel really activated is remind the part who I am now. Why should it listen to me?

I remind it that I’m a 39-year-old man who knows so much more about myself and about life. I remind the part how much work I’ve done so it can trust me, release the wheel, and let me start steering.

As I mentioned, these parts are often earlier versions of us.

18-year-old me wasn’t prepared for stress, anxiety, or panic attacks. But 39-year-old me is a damn veteran dealing with these things. I can handle it. The part doesn’t need to.

I’ve had many of these conversations with my parts, and I always feel better afterward. Lighter. More in control. More able to focus on what I actually need in that moment.

That’s true Self-leadership.

Start Small

You don’t need to be an IFS expert to get value from it today.

Next time you feel yourself spiraling, notice that a part of you is activated.

Ask: “What is it protecting me from?”

And respond with compassion and leadership: “I’m here. I’ve got you. Let me lead. I can handle it.”

The goal isn’t to silence your parts, but to become the leader your parts trust.

You’ll notice your parts start to quiet down once you’ve shown them you can be that trusted leader.

If you’d like to read more about IFS, I highly suggest reading Dr. Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts.

If this resonated, reply in the comments: what “part” shows up for you most often—the critic, the fixer, the pleaser, or the numbing part?

If you want, tell me what tends to trigger it. I read every reply.

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Most of us don’t drink alcohol because we love the taste.

Do you remember your first drink? Did you say “Wow, that’s amazing, I want more!” or did you have a pretty visceral reaction?

I remember tasting my dad’s beer and thinking it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever tasted.

Most people drink for the relief it promises from stress, anxious thoughts, and social pressure.

And for a few hours, it works. That’s the seductive part.

But what if those drinks you think are taking the edge off are actually sharpening it? What if the calm you feel tonight is just tomorrow’s anxiety waiting to collect interest?

Here are five lies we tell ourselves about drinking.

If you’ve ever said any of these to yourself, you’re not alone.

#1: I Deserve This

You do deserve relief. You deserve rest.

But alcohol doesn’t deliver it. It disrupts sleep and pushes your anxiety to later—often louder.

You deserve recovery, not a delay button.

#2: It Helps Me Unwind

It slows your nervous system down temporarily. But that’s not the same as actually resolving stress.

Those of us with anxiety know what it’s like to drink one day and feel hangxiety the next.

If it truly helped you unwind, you wouldn’t pay for it the next day.

#3: I’m More Fun When I Drink

Sure, alcohol lowers inhibitions. That probably feels like confidence in the moment.

Have you been sober around drunk people? Do you find them fun? Sometimes they are. Sometimes, not so much.

Trying to be fun enough for drunk people is a losing battle.

If you feel like you’re only that fun after a few drinks, it might be worth getting curious about what makes you feel alive and confident without alcohol.

#4: Everyone Does It

Many people drink, but popularity doesn’t make something harmless.

Plenty of common habits quietly harm the people practicing them. For instance, a lot of people scroll themselves numb every night. That doesn’t mean it’s restoring them.

#5: I Can Stop Anytime

Maybe you can. I wasn’t able to.

That doesn’t make you weak, but it does mean it’s doing more work in your life than you think.

A better question is: Have you tried to take a break from drinking?

If the idea of not drinking for 30 days (or during a specific event) feels really uncomfortable, that discomfort might be telling you something.

Awareness is Key

I’m not anti-alcohol. It can be fine for some people.

If moderation worked for me, I probably would still be drinking.

What’s important is awareness. Is it actually adding something to your life?

Real relief doesn’t require a hangover.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your experience. Have you noticed any of these patterns in your own life? Drop a comment below — your perspective might help someone else see their own more clearly.

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When I was younger, a random spike of anxiety would be enough to push me into a full-blown panic attack.

They often came when I was alone because that’s when I felt my most vulnerable and unsafe.

I’d feel the anxiety spike in my body, usually starting with my chest and throat tightening.

That would be enough to catch my attention. “Oh no, it’s happening.”

If you’ve ever had that moment, you know how fast your world can shrink.

From there, as I noticed the symptoms coming online, my brain would start catastrophizing all the ways this could end poorly.

Back then, I didn’t know how to catch the embers early. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already in a five-alarm fire and my mind was convinced the whole house was going down.

I had to learn to stop living in “fire-drill mode,” where I only react once anxiety is unmanageable, and start training on normal days—so I can splash water on the embers long before they become flames.

Why Emergency Mode Makes Anxiety Worse

When you treat every anxiety spike like a crisis, your brain learns that anxiety = danger.

Every time I noticed anxiety, I panicked. And my brain learned: anxiety symptoms mean a panic attack is next. That’s the self-fulfilling loop.

Every time you go into emergency mode to “fix” your anxiety, you’re sending yourself the same message: this isn’t tolerable. And if it isn’t tolerable, your brain will keep treating it like a crisis.

This leads to three distinct costs:

• Cost #1: You train your system to panic faster once you notice familiar anxiety symptoms.

• Cost #2: You shrink your life to avoid what could spike your anxiety.

• Cost #3: You lose trust in yourself (“I can’t handle this”).

I spent most of my 20s and 30s paying these costs, living a smaller life, not trusting myself, and constantly reinforcing that a tight chest and shaky legs meant I was going to die.

Let me tell you, that’s not a way to live.

The Shift: From Fire Drills to Training Reps

Instead of panicking at the first anxiety symptom, the goal is to recognize what’s happening in your body as familiar, not fatal.

I’ve talked about the concept of anxiety being your body’s natural alarm system often on Above Anxiety.

The goal is to change your relationship with the symptoms—to treat them like an early alarm, not a catastrophe.

The symptoms are your body alerting you that the embers will turn into a blaze if you don’t change anything.

What I understand now is that my anxiety isn’t the enemy. It’s my nervous system asking for attention.

My 3 Daily Nervous System Reps

Those of us with more sensitive nervous systems have alarms with a much lower threshold. That means they can trigger earlier and more easily than other people’s.

It explains why I would seemingly be fine walking through a grocery store that I’ve been to many times and start to feel a wave of panic rush over me.

My alarm system was telling me I wasn’t safe… even though I clearly was.

It was just much more sensitive, trying to predict disaster while I was trying to find the protein bar section of the store.

The goal of daily reps is to build capacity so your alarm doesn’t go off as often, and when it does, you come back down faster. We want your nervous system to recognize real danger, not treat dinner with friends like an emergency.

Here are my favorite daily reps to turn down the sensitivity:

1. Meditation: I use a meditation app and do a 5-10 minute meditation as part of my morning routine. I love to do meditations focused on mindfulness and gratitude. Only 2-3 minutes of meditation helps.

2. Journaling: I also journal every morning as part of my routine to get my thoughts and emotions out. No more bottling everything up. Only a few sentences count.

3. Breathwork: I have a daily reminder on my phone at 12:30 pm to do breathwork for a few moments. I generally focus on box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, or the double-inhale-exhale. Three cycles is enough to make a difference.

What To Do When the Alarm Actually Goes Off

It’s important to have a plan for when your alarm actually does get triggered. Here is a good mini protocol:

1. Notice: “Okay, I’m noticing some anxiety symptoms like a tight chest and shaky hands.”

2. Breathe low and slow for 60–90 seconds. Choose any of the breathwork tools like 4-7-8 or box breathing.

3. Move: walk or shake out tension for 2 minutes. Anxiety creates energy in your system. It needs a way to be released or it will continue building.

4. Return to the moment: “What do I need right now?” (This could be rest, connection with another human being, light exercise like a walk, etc.)

The more you can catch your anxiety and bring your nervous system back down, the more your body learns anxiety isn’t something to be deathly afraid of.

You are re-tagging the anxiety symptoms as something that happens, not something to fear.

The Real Win

For a long time, I measured success (and my masculinity) by whether I had anxiety or not.

Now I measure success differently.

Success is me noticing embers of anxiety rise in my body—and not immediately sending it into a full-on house fire. It’s me being able to notice the symptoms, lead myself into calming my nervous system down, and then taking the next right step.

The more I’ve been able to do this, the easier it’s gotten. And the weirdest thing happens. When you learn you can handle it, it actually starts to dramatically quiet down.

These reps are meant for you to learn to trust yourself. You are now taking a leadership role in changing your relationship with anxiety and lowering the baseline on your alarm system.

You don’t need to eliminate your anxiety. You just need to stop treating it like a five-alarm emergency.

Pick one rep. Do it daily for the next 7 days. Then notice what shifts.

Let me know what you choose. Comment with one word: walk, breath, journal, meditate, or sleep.

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You’re driving down the highway, music turned all the way up, feeling great.

Suddenly—DING, DING, DING—an amber light pops up on your car’s dashboard: “Check engine.”

What do you do? Panic, cry, swear to the heavens? Do you ignore it and turn the radio up louder?

Most of us treat anxiety exactly like that annoying light on our car’s dashboard. We view it as a malfunction—something to be ignored.

But anxiety isn’t a malfunction. It’s feedback.

The body keeps the score, and it’s always trying to send us a signal.

Black Tape Over the Light

In my 20s and 30s, that check engine light was constantly going off. I would feel tense and on edge for no reason, get lost in constant rumination, and have panic attacks seemingly out of the blue.

I handled it by simply putting black tape over the amber light so I didn’t have to see it.

That black tape was every numbing behavior I used to ignore the warning light.

It was the antidepressant that leveled me out. It was the alcohol I abused on the weekends to take the edge off. It was TV, movies, video games, and anything else I could use to turn my brain off and run from the alarm.

It’s a Safety Feature, Not a Bug

I only learned in the last few years that the alarm isn’t something to fear, but something to listen to. It was trying to keep me safe all along.

It’s a hard lesson because when anxiety hits, it feels like the call is coming from inside the house. My brain screamed: You are not safe. I felt like my body was attacking me.

I could be sitting in a class of 25 students, discussing philosophy, when a wave of panic exploded through my body, telling me I wasn’t safe. Something was terribly wrong. I was in danger.

But all along, my body was just trying to signal to me that something was off. It was trying to get me to pull off to the side of the road and open up the hood before we exploded.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t eating healthy. I wasn’t exercising except for playing pickup basketball. I was drinking a lot of caffeine and binge drinking to the point of blackouts on the weekends, which was an altogether new activity for me.

I realize now that I had no concept of stress or anxiety, and therefore, no ability to manage these new physical symptoms. The only real learned behavior I had was from sports. Push through the discomfort and pain. Ignore it. Try harder. Go faster.

This stuff doesn’t work in the real world. It’s no wonder I exploded into panic attacks that brought me as close to the feeling of death as I’ve ever been.

Your body is here to help you, not hurt you. And your mind is smart enough to help you find a solution.

The “Pop the Hood” Protocol

Awareness is your most powerful investigative tool and it’s something that gets more powerful the more you exercise it.

Instead of running from your body’s sensations, I’m going to give you a healthier alternative.

1. Acknowledge the Alarm: When you feel that twinge of anxiety or any of the numerous physical symptoms that come with it, don’t try to put the black tape over it. Don’t reach for your phone, turn on the TV, or grab that drink. Just acknowledge its presence. “I see you, anxiety.” “I feel you, tight chest.” “I notice you, lump in my throat.”

2. Get Curious: Ask yourself, “What are you trying to protect me from right now? What are you trying to tell me?”

3. Gain Understanding: We are intuitive beings. Most of the time, if you spend a few moments thinking about what is going on in your life, you’ll be able to pinpoint one or more things you’re dreading or stressed out about. Acknowledging this message from your alarm system is often enough to quiet down the alarm because it feels heard.

4. Take a Maintenance Action: This could be anything that aligns with your purpose and/or goals. Go for a quick walk. Read a book. Take a calming bath. Journal.

Instead of numbing, you’re learning to acknowledge the thoughts and sensations, understand where they’re coming from, and then focus on one small action.

Maintenance vs. Repair

You wouldn’t drive for 20 years with the Oil Change or Check Engine lights on and then be shocked when the car no longer starts.

But when it comes to our internal systems, we often wait until the car is smoking on the side of the road before we even think to analyze what could be happening.

Your anxiety is not the enemy. It’s the most sensitive, dedicated alert system you have and it’s running 24/7 to keep you safe. The light is not the problem; ignoring it is.

The next time the light flashes, don’t cover it up.

Pull over. Pop the hood. Listen.

Whether it’s a 10-minute walk without your phone or simply closing your eyes for five deep breaths, pick one thing. If you’re willing, share your “maintenance plan” in the comments to inspire others.

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Most of my stress isn’t caused by what’s happening. It’s caused by what I’m not doing.

The email I still need to reply to. The conversation I’ve been avoiding. Those house updates I still haven’t addressed.

Anxiety loves open loops — unfinished tasks and unsaid conversations running in the background.

Have you ever been sitting at home “relaxing” while your brain refuses to shut off? That’s usually an open loop running in the background.

When I feel that familiar pressure building but I can’t name it, I use a tool that turns vague stress into one clear next step.

2-Minute “Future Me” Prompt

Set a 2-minute timer. Write one line per prompt. You can do this on paper or in a notes app.

Prompt 1

• The thing I’m avoiding is:

  • Example: “That email to ____.” / “Having the conversation about ____.”

Prompt 2

• I’m avoiding it because I’m afraid of:

  • Example: “looking incompetent,” “conflict,” “feeling rejected,” “making it worse.”

Prompt 3

• The next right step is:

  • Example: “Open the email and write a 3-sentence draft” / “Ask a friend for quick input before I send the text.”

Rule: If you can’t name a ≤10-minute step, make it smaller until you can. And pick one open loop only.

The goal is simple: identify what’s actually stressing you and choose a next action that doesn’t overwhelm you.

Quick Example

Let’s say you need to talk with your partner (or anyone close to you) about feeling dismissed or unheard.

Normally, you might explain it away, make excuses for them, and avoid bringing it up because you don’t want conflict. Then the anxiety shows up later — sometimes as “random” spikes you can’t even explain.

This exercise provides clarity:

1. The thing I’m avoiding is: “Talking with my partner about how I’ve felt unheard lately.”

2. I’m avoiding it because I’m afraid of: “Making them mad and creating strain on the relationship.”

3. The next right step is: “Write down my thoughts clearly (so I stay calm and focused) and ask to talk tomorrow.”

“Hey, there’s something I want to share calmly. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ve been feeling a little dismissed lately, and I want to work through it with you.”

Try It For A Week

I’ve noticed that when I’m able to explicitly name what I’m avoiding, it gets easier to deal with it. And the “random” anxiety makes more sense.

Try this 2-minute prompt for the next week. Get your thoughts out there, understand why you’re avoiding things, and take a clear next step to work through it.

Quick question: which part is hardest for you? Comment 1, 2, or 3 (no details needed):

1 = Naming what I’m avoiding

2 = Admitting what I’m afraid of

3 = Choosing the next right step

If there are patterns, I’ll write a follow-up post!

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The best thing I can do for you is work on myself, and the best thing you can do for me is work on yourself.1

—Ram Dass

Most of us don’t need more motivation. Or more hours in the day. Or even people in our lives to behave differently.

We need a better relationship with ourselves.

This relationship at its core affects everything else in your life.

You want to be a better parent? Friend? Family member? Employee? Community member?

How you treat yourself, and how you lead yourself, will have a greater effect on those areas than anything else in your life.

Your fancy degree won’t feel like much if you can’t connect with people. A high salary or a nice house don’t protect you from loneliness.

When you don’t lead yourself, the people around you usually feel it.

Therapy forced me to see something really uncomfortable. I wasn’t struggling because I was inherently broken. I was struggling because nobody inside me was steering the ship.

You can call it self-leadership or Self energy. I like both. But whatever you call it, it can change everything in your life.

So…how’s your relationship with you?

What is Self-Leadership?

Put simply, self-leadership is the ability to stay connected to yourself—and choose your next action from your values, not your impulses.

It’s the inner relationship where you become someone you can trust: you notice what you feel, what triggers you, and you respond with steadiness instead of getting hijacked by anxiety, distraction, or old patterns.

In other words, self-leadership is showing up as the calm adult in your own life, especially when parts of you are scared, reactive, or looking for relief.

Here’s what that looks like in real life.

Someone walks into a room and instantly triggers you—an ex, a complicated friend, someone you have history with. Your body reacts. Your mind spins. You start inventing explanations for what their presence “means.”

And now you’re not even in the room anymore. If a friend asks how you’re doing, you can’t connect. You’re stuck in rumination, trying to control something you can’t.

Self-leadership looks different. You notice the surge. You name it. You remind yourself, “Of course this is activating.” And then you choose your next move based on who you want to be, not what your fear is demanding.

That’s self-leadership in action.

How to Lead Yourself in Real Life

This sounds simple. It isn’t.

A lot of the time, we don’t notice what’s happening until we’re already deep in the rabbit hole. That’s why the goal is awareness—building a little space between what happens and how you respond.

In that space, these are three steps I’ve found helpful.

Step 1: Name What’s Happening (Awareness)

If an ex walks in (Scenario A) or a coworker calls you out (Scenario B), you’re going to feel something. That’s normal.

Your job is to name it. Thoughts and body.

Scenario A: “I feel sad. My stomach is tight. A part of me is asking, ‘Why is she here? What does this mean?’”

Scenario B: “I feel angry and hot. My chest is tight. A part of me wants to snap back and defend myself.”

Step 2: Offer Leadership, Not Arguments

Don’t debate the feeling. Lead it.

Scenario A: “Of course this hurts. You cared deeply for this person. It makes sense. I’m here, and I can handle this. We’re staying grounded.”

Scenario B: “That was frustrating and unprofessional. I get why you want to react. But we’re going to respond with control and clarity.”

Step 3: Choose the Next Right Action

Now pick the smallest next move that matches who you want to be.

Scenario A: “Three slow breaths. Ground my feet on the floor. I’m coming back to the present and back to what I’m doing.”

Scenario B: “Stick to facts. Keep it short. If it continues, I’ll ask to talk privately after this.”

Again, easy for me to write out the scenarios here, much tougher to do in real time.

But how do you improve your chances of being able to lead yourself in difficult situations?

These steps are what you do in the moment. But your ability to do them depends on what your nervous system feels like most days.

If you’re constantly in fight-or-flight, calm leadership won’t be available when it counts.

Doing the “little things” regularly such as meditation, exercise, sleep, decent food, and real connection makes it more likely you can respond from self-leadership instead of panic.

The Promise You’re Really Making

The goal isn’t to become some superhuman who never struggles. The goal is to simply become someone you don’t abandon.

When you consistently show up for yourself, trust builds. Anxiety starts to lose its leverage. And your life gets quieter in the best way.

Choose yourself today and watch how your life improves.

Where do you notice you abandon yourself the most: your health, your relationships, your work, or your peace?

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We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.

— Seneca

If you have a beating heart, you’ve likely dealt with anxiety in some form.

Anxiety is a natural part of being human, especially in a modern world that constantly pulls our attention in every direction.

It often shows up when we try to control things that aren’t actually within our control—our future, other people, outcomes we can’t predict.

When that happens, our minds race ahead. We worry about what might happen, replay what already did, and exhaust ourselves trying to gain certainty where none exists.

This is where Stoicism becomes useful.

What Stoicism Actually Is (And Isn’t)

It is not events that disturb people, but their judgments about them.

— Epictetus

Stoicism is often misunderstood as emotional detachment or indifference to life. That’s not what it is.

Stoicism is a practical philosophy built for moments of uncertainty. It was developed to help people navigate fear, loss, and unpredictability without being overwhelmed by them. Not by suppressing emotion, but by learning how to respond to life more deliberately.

At its core, Stoicism teaches a simple but powerful skill: distinguishing between what is within your control and what isn’t.

When that line is clear, anxiety begins to loosen its grip. When it isn’t, suffering tends to multiply.

The Core Stoic Insight That Calms Anxiety: Control

Some things are in our control and others are not.

— Epictetus

At the center of Stoicism is a simple distinction: some things are within our control, and some things aren’t.

This matters because anxiety tends to ignore that line. We try to manage outcomes, predict other people’s behavior, and prepare for every possible future scenario. When we can’t, our nervous system stays on high alert.

The Stoics argued that this is where unnecessary suffering begins. Not because we care too much, but because we invest our energy in places where we have no real influence.

What is within our control is smaller than we often want it to be. But it’s also more stable. Our choices. Our values. How we respond in the moment.

When we place our focus there, anxiety doesn’t vanish, but it starts to lose its intensity.

Stoicism doesn’t ask you to stop caring. It asks you to stop confusing effort with control.

How Stoicism Changes Your Relationship With Anxious Thoughts

As I’ve incorporated Stoicism concepts into my daily life, I’ve realized I’ve been able to have much clearer separation between my thoughts and feelings.

The rumination causes us to ratchet up our anxiety because we are grasping at things outside our control. It’s telling us something is wrong.

What Stoicism invites you to do is to pause and ask yourself what is actually happening.

How to Practice: When you catch yourself ruminating in the moment, ask yourself a simple question:

“Is this within my control right now?”

• If your answer is no, loosen your grip. There is nothing you can do.

• If your answer is yes, act calmly and deliberately. Take action.

For example: When you’re waiting on a reply to a text, anxiety convinces you that the meaning of the silence is already known, even though the only real fact is that you’re still waiting.

The Stoic response isn’t to force reassurance. It’s to notice that the mind is speculating and not reporting facts.

That shift allows you to create space. The thought can still be there. But it no longer has to dictate your emotional response.

You don’t need to argue with it or suppress it. You simply stop mistaking it for reality.

Practicing Acceptance Without Resignation

Key Stoic Idea: Amor Fati

Meaning: Love reality as it is

One common criticism of acceptance is the fear of becoming passive in life.

“If I accept everything that happens to me, won’t I just let life beat me down and lose control of my own life?”

That’s not what Stoicism is asking of you. It’s still asking you to be the main character in your own story.

What it’s telling you not to do is actively focus on anything outside of your control.

Anxiety feeds on resistance. When we resist the urge to ruminate about things we cannot control, that acceptance creates breathing room.

And our anxiety naturally eases as a result. Your brain can relax. You cannot think your way into outcomes you cannot control.

Stoicism as a Daily Practice

Outside of catching yourself in the moment, how might you put Stoicism into practice daily?

Here are three simple practices that Stoics like Marcus Aurelius incorporated into their daily lives:

1. Set a Morning Intention: “What in my control today?”

2. Midday Check-In: “Am I reacting or responding?”

3. Evening Reflection: “What did I handle well, even if I felt anxious?”

The goal is to build this philosophy of focusing on only what you can control into your daily life. These practices are more like physical training—the effects compound over time.

You’ll find it will help you to change your relationship with the outside world, worrying less and focusing on yourself more.

Stoicism Won’t Cure Anxiety—But It Can Shrink It

Stoicism is a framework for steadiness in any storm. It gives you the mindset and tools for better self-leadership to brave any situation.

Anxiety may still show up, but you don’t have to meet it with panic or resistance.

Have you found Stoicism or another philosophy helpful for your anxiety journey? Let me know in the comments!

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“Was that text too direct and blunt?” I thought to myself after I had already hit send — a message I sent after a date.

“Crap. Maybe it was. Let me re-read it.” (I proceeded to re-read it 20 times and make up scenarios in my head for how this person would respond.)

Most of the scenarios I gamed out ended in inevitable homelessness. My text wasn’t taken well, the local news got involved, and somehow I got arrested.

Now my body is in fight-or-flight: my heart rate is up, my chest is tight, and I’m in a rumination spiral.

Of course, none of those disaster scenarios happened. I was honest and respectful. I sent a message that aligned with my values.

But for those of us who overthink everything, even small interactions can turn into a loop that triggers our nervous system and throws us off.

Why does this happen and how do you stop it?

What the Rumination Loop Actually Is (and Why It Escalates)

Rumination is any repetitive, circular thinking that is not based on any new information and has no resolution.

To be clear: Rumination is not problem-solving. Problem-solving is based on moving forward and finding a solution. Rumination is simply spinning your wheels with no end in sight.

We often get stuck ruminating on everyday situations, which activates our nervous system because our body perceives a threat.

When your nervous system stays activated, anxiety and panic escalate.

When I had my first panic attack at 18, I was deep in finals-week catastrophizing. One bad grade felt like it would ruin my entire future.

Looking back, I didn’t need a better pep talk. I needed a way to stop the spiral earlier—before it hijacked my body. This is what’s helped me most.

The Interrupt: Why Questions Work Better Than Reassurance

One of the best tools I’ve learned for interrupting the spiral is to ask yourself grounded questions.

When you try to reassure yourself, like “You’ll be fine. This won’t be a problem,” it simply invites more checking and more reassurance.

Now you’re having a full-on conversation trying to convince yourself you’ll be fine. For most people, this doesn’t work.

By asking grounded questions that get to the heart of the situation, you force your mind to change gears.

That creates space between you and the thought.

This won’t always stop anxiety instantly if your nervous system is already activated. But it will stop the escalation so it doesn’t get any worse.

The 3 Grounded Questions

Question #1: “Is this a problem I can actually solve right now?”

This question is designed to break the illusion of urgency.

Rumination convinces you that everything needs to be figured out right now, even when there’s nothing actionable you can actually do in this moment.

If the answer is “no,” your mind isn’t problem-solving — it’s stuck in rumination.

Once you name it as unsolvable right now, you give yourself permission to stop engaging instead of trying to ruminate your way out of it.

Question #2: “What evidence do I have that this thought is true?”

This question is designed to separate fact from fiction.

Much of spiraling involves us making up scenarios in our head, like what happened after I sent that post-date text.

I find it helpful to simply name the facts in as dry language as possible:

• “I sent a text message.”

• “It was respectful and kind, but I told her I’m not interested.”

• “She has not responded.”

Those are the only facts I know about the situation.

What you’ll notice as you ask yourself this question is that most of the time, evidence is thin or nonexistent to support any of your additional ruminations.

Anxiety is loud, but it’s often not accurate.

Focus on the facts. Then move on.

Question #3: “What would I tell a friend having this thought?”

This question is designed to introduce self-compassion and perspective.

Most of us are far harsher with ourselves than we are with anyone else. But if you imagine a friend in the exact same situation, you’d naturally respond with steadiness and kindness.

Borrow that tone.

What would you actually say to them? Probably something like: “You don’t know the outcome yet. You were respectful. And you can handle whatever comes next.”

When you talk to yourself that way, your tone softens, your body reads less danger, and you can respond from a calmer, more grounded place.

Anxiety and panic often feed on self-attack.

Talk to yourself like a friend.

How to Use This Before Panic Hits

Timing with these questions matters.

Don’t wait until you’re in a full-blown panic attack to start asking yourself questions. You most likely won’t be able to access these questions and logic at tyat point.

These questions work best early—as you notice yourself starting to worry about a scenario.

You might notice your nervous system start to activate: Your heart rate might increase, your chest might get tight, you might notice the pit in your stomach.

These are signs your nervous system is activating. These questions can help stop that escalation before panic sets in.

Suggested Practice

Choose just one of the questions to get started. Write it down on a piece of paper or in your phone’s Notes app.

Pull it up from time to time to review so you’ve built the muscle memory of finding it in the moment.

As soon as you notice you’re ruminating (and not problem-solving), pull up the question and start thinking through it.

This is a skill, not a trick. Repetition is what builds it.

You’re Not Broken, You’re Thoughtful

Rumination doesn’t happen because you’re weak or flawed.

It’s a natural extension of being an introspective, thoughtful human being in the modern world.

But it becomes a problem when it contributes to your stress, anxiety, and panic.

The goal is progress: catching rumination earlier and questioning its accuracy from a safer distance.

Give this a try today. Which question hits the hardest for you? Let me know in the comments!

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How often do you wake up and think, “I should be doing more” or “I’m not doing enough?”

Or the more existential thought, “What have I actually achieved?”

I’ve lived in that headspace more than I’d like to admit.

Because when you tie your value as a human being to your external achievements, your worth starts to feel conditional, like you only matter when you’re producing, improving, or being applauded.

And let’s be honest, a lot of the goals we chase are externally rewarded:

• Promotions and raises

• Productivity

• Relationships

• Material objects

Over time, we start outsourcing our value to the dopamine hit that comes from each new achievement.

And the insidious part is the goalposts will always move. You can never have enough. The hit is brief.

Most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it because we learned this pattern a long time ago.

Why “Proving Worth” Quietly Runs So Much of Our Lives

We’ve been conditioned since birth to seek external validation from parents, teachers, coaches, and others based on our performance.

And we learn that external validation feels good. We like being praised by authority figures and held up as the example for our peers.

It’s no wonder that so many people are struggling these days from:

• Burnout

• Anxiety and depression

• Never feeling “done”

• Achievements that barely even register

This is the cost of chasing validation when you don’t believe you’re worthy simply because you are.

The Reframe That Changed How I See My Worth

Here’s the shift I’m working on.

I worked with my therapist to change my core belief from “I matter when I achieve something worthwhile” to “I matter and deserve to achieve my dreams, so I will do the work.”

Changing a core belief doesn’t happen overnight. It was tough for me to even see how my beliefs around my own value were out of line with how I viewed other people.

She asked me, “Does the homeless man down the street have value?”

To which I replied, “Of course. I believe all humans have innate value. Even ones that have done really despicable things.”

She then asked me why I thought the homeless man had value if he might not have achieved something grand, like writing a book or giving a TED Talk (goals I have).

I responded, “Because he’s a human being. Just existing gives him value. The simple fact that we’re even here as a species gives him value.”

She: “Why can’t you have that same innate value you just gave the homeless man for doing nothing but existing? Why do you have to achieve something grand for you to matter? For your life to matter?”

I sat there realizing I’d spent my entire life believing I only mattered if I achieved something.

She: “What if you reframed this core belief?”

Because I matter, I’m going to do the work.

She: “You matter. You matter regardless of what you achieve. Your worth is not conditional upon achieving great things.”

Because I matter, and I love myself, and I deserve to achieve my goals, I’m going to take the necessary actions.

I’ve given myself permission to take action from a point of power. I’m leading myself in action because I believe I matter and deserve to achieve what is meaningful to me.

What Changes When You Start From Worth Instead of Lack

There is an important distinction here. Starting from worth does not remove ambition.

It is still healthy to want to achieve things that are important to us. I would argue it’s actually necessary.

What we’re removing instead is the desperation to prove our worth.

From proving mode:

• Action feels heavy

• Failure feels personal

• Rest feels unsafe

From worth mode:

• Action feels chosen

• Failure simply becomes information

• Rest becomes responsible

No longer are you taking action because you feel you have to.

You’re taking action because you deserve to.

Why Worth Has to Come Before Action

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that if you already value yourself, you have nothing left to achieve.

This isn’t about passivity. It’s about why you do something.

I’m talking about two internal drivers:

Action driven by proving worth:

• Comes from fear

• Is fueled by anxiety, shame, or comparison

• Makes failure feel threatening

• Makes rest feel unsafe

Action driven by inherent worth:

• Comes from self-respect

• Is fueled by choice, values, and meaning

• Makes failure tolerable and informative

• Makes rest part of sustainability

Believing you matter doesn’t reduce effort. It removes the emotional tax on effort.

Action Comes From Self-Respect

You can still work hard. You can still pursue meaningful goals. But your effort now becomes an expression of self-love and self-respect.

It’s no longer about external validation.

I don’t take action to earn my right to exist.

I take action because my life matters.

I still have the same goals. The same dreams. But now my starting point is different.

Worth isn’t the reward for effort.

Worth is the foundation that makes effort healthy.

An Invitation, Not a Command

You don’t need to prove that you matter.

You matter—and because of that, your effort has meaning.

I’m not asking you to stop caring. I’m asking you to give yourself permission to stop punishing yourself into action.

You can still have the same goals. The same dreams.

My hope is simply that this gives you a healthier place to stand while you work toward them.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Thank you for reading.

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Journaling has been one of the most important anchors in my mental health journey.

It’s helped me navigate anxiety, build self-understanding, and regulate my emotions in ways nothing else quite has.

For the last few years, I’ve journaled almost exclusively by hand.

There’s something grounding about putting pen to paper.

It slows my thoughts down. It helps me get out of my head and back into my body.

I’ve tried journaling digitally on my phone or laptop before, but it never quite feels the same. Writing by hand just works for me.

The downside?

I now have stacks of notebooks filled with insight that I can’t search.

It started to feel like I was doing the work but losing access to it over time.

If I want to look back on anything, I have to manually reread pages and pages of old entries. That’s fine occasionally, but it makes it nearly impossible to notice long-term patterns or mine deeper insights without a huge time investment.

And that started to bother me.

The Problem I Kept Running Into

I knew the wisdom was there.

I knew I’d written about my anxiety cycles, relationships, fears, breakthroughs, and growth over and over again across years of journaling. But when I wanted to answer simple questions like:

• What do I actually struggle with the most?

• What themes keep repeating in my life?

• Have I really grown, or does it just feel like I’m stuck right now?

…I couldn’t answer them easily.

My past self had done the work.

My present self just couldn’t access it.

That’s when I started thinking: What if I could keep journaling by hand, but layer something on top that made my past accessible?

Not just stored. Searchable. Questionable. Insight-generating.

Why I Didn’t Just Use ChatGPT (or Another AI Tool)

In theory, you might think this is easy.

“Just upload your journal entries into ChatGPT.”

The problem is that most general-purpose AI tools have real limitations:

• Context windows fill up quickly (how much information the AI model can “hold on to” to answer questions)

• You can’t continuously add hundreds of entries without losing grounding

• The AI starts hallucinating or generalizing instead of referencing your actual words

For something this personal, accuracy and grounding mattered more than flexibility.

I didn’t want an AI guessing who I am.

I wanted one grounded entirely in my own writing.

That’s when I landed on NotebookLM.

What NotebookLM Actually Is

NotebookLM is a free Google product that acts like a private research hub.

Instead of pulling from the entire internet, it only answers questions based on the sources you provide.

In my case, that source is a single Google Doc that contains all of my journal entries.

That means:

• No hallucinations

• No outside assumptions

• No “AI therapist” nonsense

Just my words, reflected back to me intelligently.

If you’re already comfortable with Google Docs and Google’s ecosystem, this is a surprisingly clean solution.

Important Caveat Before We Go Further

This matters enough to say explicitly.

This system is private and Google uses encryption to protect your data. Your entries live in a private Google Doc.

But, all of your data is tied to your Google account. If your Google account gets hacked, someone would gain access to all of this information.

This means:

• You should be thoughtful about what you digitize

• You shouldn’t upload anything you’d deeply regret existing digitally if your Google account gets hacked

• This works best if you already trust Google with personal information

• You should absolutely set up two-factor authentication (2FA) on your Google account for added security and use a strong password.

For me, that tradeoff is worth it. For others, it might not be. I’d rather be honest about that up front.

The Setup (One-Time)

Quick version:

1. Create a NotebookLM notebook

2. Create one Google Doc

3. Link the Doc as a source

4. Start adding entries over time

The goal here is simple: create one living document that grows over time and feeds NotebookLM.

This looks like a lot written out, but the setup takes about 10–15 minutes once. And updating the Google Doc daily takes me generally 1-2 minutes.

1. Create a Private Notebook in NotebookLM

This is where you’ll ask questions and explore patterns later.

Go to notebooklm.google.com and click “+ Create new”:

Name the notebook whatever you want by clicking into the top left corner of the screen. I named this notebook “Example Journal Archive.”

2. Create a Private Google Doc for Journal Entries

This becomes your master archive where you’ll put all your transcribed handwritten journal entries.

I’ll cover the process later for how to have your daily journal entries transcribed so you can add them to this Google Doc.

3. Add the Google Doc as a Source in NotebookLM

Now you will attach your Google Doc of journal entries as a Source in NotebookLM. This tells NotebookLM’s AI model you want to only use your journal entries to answer questions in the chat.

In the top left, click “+ Add sources” and then choose the Drive option.

It’ll then ask you to find the Google Doc you created and attach it.

Once you have this Google Doc connected, you can click into this Source and it’ll give you an overview of what’s included. You can see above it gives me an AI overview of what what in my Google Doc at the top, and then below, has all of the journal entries.

That’s it. You’ve created a new NotebookLM notebook and attached your journal entries.

The Daily Process (It’s Simple)

This part surprised me with how easy it actually is.

1. Write Your Journal Entry by Hand

Nothing changes here. Same notebook. Same pen. Same ritual.

2. Take a Photo and Upload It to Gemini

Gemini does a solid job transcribing handwritten text from photos. You could use ChatGPT or another LLM to do this as well.

Optional but saves time: It’s often helpful to create a Project (ChatGPT) or a Gem (Gemini) with instructions on what to do when you upload each day’s journal entry. This ensures you don’t have to tell the chat to transcribe it each time.

You can save instructions like, “I will be uploading a picture of a new journal entry each day. Transcribe the journal entry from the image each time I upload it to this chat” and it’ll save you some time.

3. Copy the Transcription into Your Google Doc

I usually add a date header and paste the text underneath. See the screenshot above of how I format my Google Doc for each entry.

4. Let NotebookLM Sync

When you add new journal entries, don’t forget to click “Click to sync with Google Drive” (under the Source Title) after you make edits to the Google Doc.

After I added each day’s journal entry to my Google Doc, I then switch over to NotebookLM and sync the changes.

This makes sure when you ask questions in the chat, it’s including the most recently added entries.

That’s it. Pretty easy.

Adding Older Journal Entries (Optional)

You don’t need to do this all at once — or at all. I did this gradually, and you can too.

The easiest way I’ve found to add a bunch of old journal entries and have them transcribed in one block so I could copy and paste them into the Google Doc has been using the NotebookLM app on my phone and taking a bunch of pictures of my journal entries.

You can then upload all of those photos as Sources in the notebook and once that’s done, ask the chat to transcribe all of the images in chronological order.

I would recommend then copy-pasting that into your Google Doc that is already attached and then deleting every single picture as you have limits for the amount of sources you can use in one notebook.

What You Can Ask (And Why This Is Powerful)

Once you’ve built up enough entries, you can start asking questions like:

• What have I journaled most about in the last 3 months?

• What themes show up repeatedly in my anxiety?

• What triggers come up most often?

• Where have I actually grown?

• Who do I mention the most?

• What patterns appear before I feel stuck or overwhelmed?

Examples

This is where things shift.

Journaling helps you process today.

This helps you understand your life.

Instead of relying on how you feel right now, you can see what’s been consistently true over time.

That alone can be incredibly regulating for an anxious nervous system. It replaces rumination with perspective.

What This Unlocks Over Time

For me, this system has done a few important things:

• It turns fog into patterns

• It replaces self-doubt with evidence

• It builds trust with my past self instead of ignoring him

• It shows growth even when my mood tells me otherwise

Anxiety loves to convince you that nothing is changing.

Patterns don’t lie.

Final Thought

If you’ve been journaling consistently for years, there’s a good chance you’re sitting on a massive amount of insight you can’t easily access.

And when insight stays buried, it’s hard to tell whether you’re actually growing or just reacting to whatever you’re feeling in the moment.

Writing helps you survive the moment. But understanding patterns helps you evolve.

This system finally gave me both.

If you want, I’m happy to answer questions about setup, privacy considerations, or how I personally use the insights once they surface.

Does this seem genuinely useful? Let me know in the comments.

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Here you are again. You can’t sleep.

It’s pitch black. The house is quiet.

You roll over to check the clock and those red numbers stare back at you: 3:27 a.m.

First rule: You are not allowed to check the clock again.

You immediately start calculating how many hours of sleep you’ll get if you fall asleep right this second.

“Not enough sleep,” you tell yourself.

And now you’ve ratcheted up the tension in your body, putting pressure on yourself to stop the worrying and fall back asleep.

Does this sound familiar?

The simple act of trying to fall back asleep is what increases the anxiety, the rumination, and makes it way less likely you’ll drift off again.

So what is the solution? How can we relax our bodies so we can doze back off?

I’m going to introduce a few techniques that can help you go from wide awake to dozing back off restfully. They are:

• The So-What Reframe (Acceptance)

• Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body (PMR)

• The System Reboot: Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR)

• The Eject Button (The 20-Minute Rule)

The So-What Reframe (Acceptance)

An important step is to start by reframing what is happening.

When we check the clock and start doing sleep math, we send our body the message: something’s wrong. That kicks up arousal, which makes it harder to drift back off.

How to do it: Start out by reframing the situation and practicing radical acceptance.

“Okay, I’m awake. So what? Even if I just lie here and rest my body, I am getting recovery. I have survived tired days before, and I will survive tomorrow. And odds are I’ll sleep better tomorrow night.”

Acceptance tells your brain’s alarm system: we’re safe. No need to turn this into a three-alarm fire simply because you woke up and can’t go back to sleep this instant.

Sometimes this is enough to calm back down and fall asleep. Often it’s not.

Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body (PMR)

If radical acceptance hasn’t allowed you to fall back asleep, your next step should be to practice progressive muscle relaxation (PMR).

This is a valuable technique for connecting with your body and releasing stored tension. Not only does it help you relax for sleep, but it’s also helpful if you’re feeling anxious as well.

You move through your body, focusing on one muscle group at a time, tightening that part, and then releasing it. Each muscle release sends a signal to your nervous system to relax.

How to do it: Start at your toes. Curl them tightly for five seconds. Then, exhale and release. Feel the tension leave. Move to your calves. Tense, hold, release. Move to your thighs, your glutes, your stomach, your hands, and finally, scrunch up your face. And then release.

As you work through this technique, you’re bringing your body and mind back together.

The System Reboot: Non-Sleep Deep Rest

If PMR doesn’t do the trick, your next step should be non-sleep deep rest (NSDR).

NSDR (often taught as Yoga Nidra) is a guided rest practice. It won’t replace sleep, but it can lower the “tired but wired” feeling and give your nervous system a real break.

There’s also research linking Yoga Nidra/NSDR-style meditation to changes in dopamine release and reductions in stress markers in some studies.

The main win is simple: if you can’t sleep, you can still rest deeply.

How to do it: There are plenty of free scripts on YouTube or meditation apps (I use Insight Timer, but there are great NSDR tracks elsewhere). You lie still and listen to a guide rotating your attention to different parts of your body.

Here’s the kicker: even if you don’t fall back asleep, NSDR gives you real rest. It can lower the “wired” feeling and make tomorrow more manageable. And sometimes, once the pressure is off, sleep shows up on its own.

The Eject Button (The 20-Minute Rule)

If after 15-20 minutes of trying the above techniques doesn’t work, now it’s time to hit eject. Literally.

Don’t time it precisely. Just notice when you’ve crossed into frustrated and alert.

How to do it: Get out of your bed. Get out of your room. Go to the couch or some other place you feel comfortable. Do something that normally makes you tired. Read a book. Meditate. Light stretching. Folding laundry.

Keep the lights off or very dim. Don’t reach for your phone or turn on the TV (this is hard, I know).

Give yourself permission to be up at this time and find an activity that is relaxing. Only after you start to feel sleepy again should you go back up to your bed and try to fall back asleep.

I luckily don’t make it to this step often, but when I do, I go downstairs and try to read a book. Reading a book at night always makes me tired and after a little bit of that, my body is relaxed enough that I start yawning and I’m ready to go back upstairs.

Building Your Sleep Toolkit

The more you practice these techniques, the easier they are to do. Your body will start to trust that you are safe when you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep right away.

Also, always remember to zoom out. One bad night won’t wreck your life. Your body is resilient, and you can get back on track quickly.

Hopefully some of these techniques help you to fall back asleep. Wishing you all the best and happy dreams.

Note: If this is happening most nights for weeks, or you’re snoring/gasping a lot, it’s worth talking with a clinician or looking into CBT-I (the gold-standard insomnia treatment).

What works for you when you wake up at 3 a.m.? Drop your go-to in the comments.

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It’s 3:27 a.m. and I’m still tossing and turning in my bed.

The anxiety builds as I realize today is going to be a tough one. I have too many meetings today to feel this bad.

I know from experience that not sleeping the night before turns me into an anxious zombie that sees threats everywhere. My chest is tight and I feel like I can’t take a deep breath all day. My mind is slow to react in conversations. I really can’t connect with people.

This is the sleep-anxiety paradox: You need to sleep to feel calm and grounded. But you can’t sleep when you’re anxious.

And for those of us with anxiety, it is a special kind of hell.

I used to treat anxiety and sleep as two separate issues. It took me a long time to realize they’re interconnected, each affecting the other.

If you’re an anxious person, you’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to keep it at bay with meditation, journaling, yoga, and supplements. And we still ignore the single most effective and natural anxiety medication: 7–9 hours of sleep.

It’s not always easy. But it’s the foundation everything else sits on.

The Alarm System Without Brakes

If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I talk often about our “internal alarm system” (the ygdala).

This is the ancient part of your brain designed to keep our ancestors safe from saber-tooth tigers.

When it senses danger, it dumps adrenaline and then cortisol into your system to get you ready for fight or flight.

We also have the CEO part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex (PFC). This is the logical, rational part that can look at the situation and say, “Hey Alarm System, this is just a meeting invite from your boss. You can quiet down. We are safe.”

When you are sleep-deprived, your CEO goes offline.

Research suggests that when you’re short on sleep, the link between your prefrontal cortex (your CEO) and your amygdala (your alarm system) weakens. The alarm system takes the wheel, and it’s harder to hit the brakes—so small stresses feel like threats.

This is why after a bad night of sleep, the world feels sharper, louder, and more dangerous.

For me, I often feel like I’m on edge the entire day and this means I don’t show up in the world as I’d like. I’m shorter with people, stuck more inside my body and my mind, and have trouble connecting.

It’s like we’re driving a car with a brick mashed down on the gas and no brakes.

When Sleep Becomes a Performance

The pressure to sleep is often the thing that keeps you awake.

We’ve all been there. You have a big day tomorrow and you lay down in bed, knowing you need to sleep well to have a good day.

And then after 30 minutes, you’re still wide awake and now the pressure is mounting.

You know you have to be up at 6 a.m. and you’re doing the sleep calculation in your head.

If I fall asleep now, I’ll get seven hours of sleep.

30 minutes pass.

Damnit. I just want to sleep. If I fall asleep now, I’ll get 6.5 hours of sleep. Ok, not great but manageable.

30 more minutes pass.

This is not good. I know six hours of sleep isn’t enough. Why can’t I fall asleep?

An hour passes.

Oh my god, this is a nightmare. I’m going to be so tired and anxious tomorrow.

30 more minutes pass.

CAN I PUSH BACK ALL MY MEETINGS TOMORROW? CAN I CALL IN SICK? CAN I QUIT MY JOB? MAYBE I SHOULD BURN MY HOUSE DOWN AND COLLECT THE INSURANCE MONEY, MOVE TO THE BEACH, AND SELL SURFBOARDS? MAYBE I JUST DISAPPEAR AND GO LIVE IN THE WOODS FOR A WHILE?

You now have performance anxiety about sleeping.

The act of trying to sleep becomes a high-stakes event. Your brain releases adrenaline to “help,” which (of course) wakes you up even more.

It’s a vicious feedback loop and often we don’t realize we’re even in it.

Before you burn your house down and move to the beach, I have some suggestions for achieving better sleep and lowering your anxiety.

How to Engineer Better Sleep

The goal is to better prepare your mind and body to achieve deep sleep. This starts hours before you actually get in bed.

If you’re reading this while exhausted, here’s the good news: you don’t need a perfect routine. You need a few levers pointed in the right direction.

If you only do a few things, do these. Start with the one that feels easiest tonight.

Cut Out Lights & Screens

We’re all guilty of lying in bed at night and “just scrolling for a little bit longer.”

It feels harmless, but it keeps your brain “on” when you’re trying to power down.

Practical rule #1: If you can, cut screens 30–60 minutes before bed. If you can’t, dim them and keep them out of the bedroom.

Blue light from screens (your phone, TV, laptop) is disruptive to sleep. The light can delay melatonin production, which disrupts your circadian rhythm and makes it harder to fall asleep.

And it’s not just blue light. Bright indoor light at night can also delay melatonin and make it harder to drift off.

Darker is better. Pitch black is great if you can get it.

I don’t have blackout shades, so I started using a sleep mask. Once I’m out, I’m much less likely to wake up before my alarm.

Being mindful of the light that you encounter before bedtime can help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep.

No Eating or Drinking Before Bedtime

I had a bad habit in my 20s of eating before I went to bed. I wouldn’t be full from dinner and so 9–10 p.m. would come around and I’d have a bowl of cereal or a protein bar.

I had no idea that it was affecting my sleep.

Practical rule #2: Don’t eat a large meal at least 3 hours before bedtime.

Why?

Late eating and heavy meals are commonly linked to worse sleep quality and more awakenings (often because of reflux and your body staying “switched on”).

Digestion is work. Your core temperature can stay higher while your body processes food—right when you’re trying to downshift.

Snacks before bedtime can usually be fine, but they should be small, not spicy, and not acidic.

Alcohol

Alcohol can help you fall asleep (see: pass out), but it tends to increase nighttime awakenings, reduce REM sleep, and worsen snoring and sleep apnea.

This is why you can sleep for 7–8 hours after drinking and wake up still feeling terrible, like you haven’t slept. It worsens your sleep quality.

Practical rule #3: If you do drink, a best practice is to stop drinking 4+ hours before bedtime. (And I see you rolling your eyes. I know. I know)

Caffeine

Caffeine is a frequent hidden driver of insomnia and anxiety symptoms at night. Many people don’t think about how much caffeine they consume in a day, let alone when.

Caffeine actually blocks adenosine, a key neurotransmitter and natural sleep-promoting substance (the “sleep drive”).

Studies have shown that caffeine 6 hours before bedtime still significantly disrupted sleep.1

Practical rule #4: try to make your last caffeine noon–2 p.m. (Not perfect. Just better.)

Cool Down the Body

About 1–2 hours before sleep, your core body temperature naturally starts to drop. That drop is part of what helps you fall asleep.

Your body needs to drop by a few degrees to successfully initiate sleep.

If your room is too hot, your body struggles to cool down, which can make it harder to fall asleep or stay asleep.

Many sleep clinicians and organizations recommend 60–67 degrees Fahrenheit (15.5–19.5 degrees Celsius) as a practical target for adults.2

If you don’t have a thermometer in your room, here’s a way to gauge if the temperature is ideal:

Practical rule #5: Aim for a bedroom “cool enough that you want a light blanket,” but not “cold enough that you’re shivering.”

I actually can’t sleep without fans on. I have a ceiling fan and a Dyson cool fan pointed on me as I sleep. Yeah, I’m that guy.

Are you setting your body up for deep sleep?

Prioritize the Foundation

If you’re struggling with anxiety right now, take a look at your sleep. You now know it can have a large effect on your nervous system.

Are you giving your CEO a chance to come online? Or are you running purely on Alarm System energy?

Sleep isn’t just about feeling rested. It’s about emotional regulation. It’s about having the resilience to handle everything life throws at you.

What’s the one sleep habit sabotaging you right now—and what’s one small change you’ll try tonight? Let me know in the comments.

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Next Week—What To Do When You Can’t Sleep (3:27 a.m. Protocol)

Next week, I’ll share my 3:27 a.m. protocol—what to do (and what not to do) so you don’t spiral and you give your body a real chance to fall back asleep.

Sleep tight!

One of the larger revelations I’ve had in therapy was that I just wasn’t that kind to myself.

I harshly judged my anxiety because my model of masculinity said men are supposed to be strong, tough, and fearless. So when panic hit, I didn’t just feel scared. I felt weak. Emasculated, even.

For most of my 20s and 30s, I was terrified of any sort of panic symptom arising in my body. And then when that heart palpitation would inevitably lead to my chest tightening and me feeling faint, I would start to freak out. “Oh sh*t, here it comes.”

That second layer of judgment only added fuel to the anxiety fire.

For me this showed up as “not man enough,” but the core story is universal: if you’re anxious, something must be wrong with you.

Psychologists actually have a name for this: self-criticism. And there’s strong evidence that high self-criticism and low self-compassion are linked with higher anxiety and depression.

How Harsh Self-Talk Quietly Makes Anxiety Worse

Let’s talk quickly about self-esteem versus self-compassion.

Self-esteem is often fragile because it relies on external validation. You need to feel special and above average.

Self-compassion, however, is about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend. You give yourself the same grace you’d give a friend or family member, being less critical as you navigate life.

Researchers like Kristin Neff have shown that people with higher self-compassion tend to have lower anxiety and depression, and even show healthier stress markers like lower cortisol and higher heart-rate variability.

On paper, I loved this idea. In reality? I realized I had almost no self-compassion. I harshly judged myself for:

• Having anxiety: “Why can’t you just be normal like everyone else?”

• Letting it build into panic: “Why do you let a heart flutter turn you into a scared little boy?”

• Not handling it “like a man”: “Why can’t you be tougher and white-knuckle it?”

• Thinking I’m failing because I obviously am not as far along as I’d like with my anxiety: “See, all that work you’ve done means nothing. You still have anxiety and you still can’t handle a panic attack.”

That lack of self-compassion actually ratchets up the anxiety because now not only do I believe I can’t handle it, but I have an even worse self-image because of how badly I talk to myself.

“See, I told you you couldn’t handle it. You’re so weak. And you want to help other people with their anxiety? Lol.”

Essentially, my panic part had taken the wheel and my Self energy was nowhere to be found.

(If you’re not familiar with “parts” language, Self is that calm, grounded core of you. The panic part is the one that hits the alarm button.)

Studies show that repeated negative self-talk strengthens the “anxiety highways” in the brain because the brain literally gets better at whatever you practice, including catastrophizing.

In contrast, positive self-talk strengthens the prefrontal cortex (the rational brain), effectively “quieting” the amygdala over time.

When you practice calmer, more balanced self-talk, you’re exercising the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that can say, “I know my heart is racing, but I’m not actually in danger. I am safe.”

How you choose to talk to yourself has major implications when it comes to your anxiety. Choose wisely.

The Experiment: Talking to Myself Like Someone I Actually Care About

I’ve found that the more grace I give to myself, the more I love who I am and what I’ve been through. And with that grace, I can now show up as a true leader for myself and my parts.

This gives me a feeling of agency that I can handle anything, and even in tough times, I know that I’m trying my best and this isn’t an indictment of who I am or how far I’ve come.

Here is an example of how I’ve learned to better lead myself and practice compassion both in the moment and afterwards:

• Having anxiety: “I have a more active, reactive nervous system than other people. But that also allows me to feel fuller emotions, be better in tune with my body, and now I have a greater appreciation for what challenges other people face.”

• Letting it build into panic: “My panicked part tries to take over in these moments to sound the alarm. And it does that to protect me out of love. But I do not need to freak out. Panicked part, I’m here to lead and keep you safe. I’ve been through this many times before. We always make it out alive, stronger and with more compassion for the human experience. I will protect you and you can quiet down. Let me handle this.”

• Not handling it “like a man”: “My gender has nothing to do with my ability to handle a panic attack. These are scary for anybody, including the toughest people you know. This isn’t an indictment on my masculinity.”

• Thinking I’m failing because I obviously am not as far along as I’d like with my anxiety: “Anxiety isn’t something to solve. I have a much deeper understanding of it now, and I know it doesn’t last forever. This is part of my journey, and I’m grateful for what it’s teaching me.”

It’s taken time to get to this point…about 20 years to be exact.

Give yourself grace for where you are right now, and where you are going.

A Simple, Honest Framework for Better Self-Talk to Reduce Anxiety

Here’s the simple framework I’ve been working on to take back control of my self-talk:

1. Notice the voice (Catch it, don’t merge with it): You can’t change what you don’t notice. This is a muscle to be built. The more you’re able to identify and catch your negative self-talk, the more you’re able to redirect into language that soothes your anxiety.

   1. Before: [Doesn’t even notice the inner critic]

   2. After: “Oh, there’s my inner critic. I see you.”

2. Normalize and validate (What would you tell a friend?): Swap shame for understanding. Give yourself the grace you would a friend and validate that these strong feelings and emotions are real and scary. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or your kid, don’t say it to yourself.

   1. Before: “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so weak?”

   2. After: “Of course you’re anxious. You’ve been under a lot of stress. It makes sense your body is on high alert.”

3. Lead with Self Using Distanced Self-Talk: One trick psychologists have found helpful is “distanced self-talk”—talking to yourself in the second or third person, like you would to someone you care about. It helps your rational brain take the wheel again.

   1. Before: “I’m so anxious right now. This is terrible.”

   2. After: “Andy, you’re having a wave of anxiety. You’ve been here before. You’ve always made it out alive, safe and sound. You are safe, and you can handle this.”

Full disclosure: I’m still working on this myself. Distanced self-talk doesn’t come naturally to me yet.

When I talk to myself this way, I’m letting my calm Self step in and lead, instead of letting my panic part drive the car.

This isn’t “good vibes only” over real fear. It’s being honest with yourself, but in a way that’s actually kind and grounded in reality.

This framework won’t erase anxiety, but it will change your relationship to it over time. I’ve noticed it’s given me a feeling of more agency, which in turn, gives me more confidence to manage my anxiety.

You Don’t Have to Be Your Own Enemy

You’ve likely heard the phrase “You are your own worst enemy.”

With anxiety, that can absolutely be true. Your brain takes your thoughts as fact unless you step in as Self with love, compassion, and logic.

I noticed a significant improvement in my anxiety and my ability to handle discomfort once I learned to lead myself through better self-talk.

I’m confident you will notice an improvement as well.

So, how are you talking to yourself? Are you giving yourself the grace you would a friend? Are you leading from calm Self energy or are you letting your anxious, panicked parts take the wheel?

If you’re willing, share one sentence you want to stop saying to yourself. And one new sentence you want to try instead.

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I used to roll my eyes when I heard people talk about the importance of gratitude.

As a man, the term felt soft, like something you’d see on a decorative pillow sitting beneath a “Live Laugh Love” sign.

I knew logically what I should be thankful for: my family, my health, the safe neighborhood I grew up in. But I didn’t spend much time feeling lucky. I spent my time scanning for threats.

What I failed to understand as a younger man is that gratitude isn’t just “positive vibes.” It’s a tactical tool for rewiring your brain’s relationship with fear.

And if you aren’t using it, you’re fighting your own biology.

Our Brains Are Velcro for Negativity

To understand why gratitude isn’t just fluff, we have to look at the evolution of our hardware.

We used to live in environments where saber-toothed tigers and other predators roamed.

The people who passed on their genes weren’t the most relaxed—they were the ones who noticed every rustle in the bushes and took it seriously.

To keep us alive, our brains developed a comprehensive alarm system in the amygdala that constantly monitors the environment for threats.

This evolution created a “negativity bias.” Perceived threats and bad experiences stick to our minds like Velcro, while good experiences tend to slide off like Teflon.1

This is why you can still remember that really embarrassing moment from high school 20 years later, but you probably don’t remember the nice thing someone said to you last week.

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the area in the front of the brain that manages executive functions and regulates emotions. It evolved long after our amygdala and when we find ourselves in scary situations, it goes offline as the amygdala takes over.

Fortunately, most of us don’t live near dangerous animals roaming. We don’t need to live in constant fight or flight to keep ourselves safe.

We can literally rewire our brain to calm the amygdala’s alarm system, leading to less stress, anxiety, a better mood, and an overall healthier life.

How Gratitude Calms Your Fear Circuit

We now know from studies that practicing gratitude biologically downregulates the fear response, calming the amygdala.

It works by activating the PFC, which in turn dampens the fight or flight response, effectively acting as a brake system for our fear and anxiety.

Here’s what research tells us happens when we make gratitude a habit:

• Boosts Neurotransmitters: Gratitude triggers the release of dopamine and serotonin—the brain’s “feel-good” chemicals that regulate our mood.

• Lowers Cortisol: It helps lower the stress hormone cortisol, calming that overactive alarm system I talk about so often.

• Improves Sleep: Writing down positive thoughts before bed can reduce the spinning thoughts that keep you awake.

For those of us with overactive nervous systems, this isn’t fluff. It’s reps that retrain the alarm system.

Five Easy Ways to Get Started with Gratitude

The beautiful thing about a gratitude practice is you can do it at any time of the day, pretty much anywhere.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Expressing Gratitude to Others: Call or text someone expressing your gratitude for them. This doesn’t have to be weird or anxiety-inducing. It can be as simple as “Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m grateful to have you in my life.” Or, if you’re like me, it might be closer to “I appreciate you, buddy.”

2. Gratitude Journaling: As part of my morning journaling routine, I write down two things I’m grateful for. I try to mix it up and be descriptive. For instance, I’ll write down: “How cute Greta is” instead of “My dog.”

3. Gratitude Walks: Take a walk with the sole purpose of naming as many things as you can that you’re grateful for. You might find this tough to focus on the entire time, so feel free to time-box it or choose a specific number of things you’re going to name.

4. Gratitude for the Struggle: Write down a struggle that you’ve had along with the lesson it’s taught you. Express your gratitude for the lesson. There were years when I would’ve done almost anything to never feel anxiety again. Now, I can look back at my hardest moments and say, “I wish they hadn’t happened. And I’m grateful for what they forced me to learn.”

5. Body Appreciation: Scan your body and express gratitude for the parts of your body that have provided you with strength. I recently did this during a tough hot yoga class when my heart was pounding. I was focused on my breath, feeling my heart beating out of my chest, and thought, “I’m grateful for you, heart, for being strong and keeping me alive, even in tough times.”

Choose one of these ideas or come up with your own and try to practice it consistently for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks, reflect on the experience and decide if you’d like to continue.

You might notice small shifts within the first few weeks—feeling a little lighter, less on edge, more connected.

Recalibrating Your Brain, One Small Practice at a Time

You’re not going to automatically feel wonderful by journaling one time about gratitude. It needs to become a habit that you form, much like brushing your teeth when you wake up.

It’s also not a magic bullet that will stop a full-blown panic attack in its tracks, though I wish it was.

The goal of building a gratitude practice is to slowly recalibrate your brain toward safety. We want our minds to stop scanning the world only through a negativity and fear filter, and start noticing more of what makes life worth living.

Each morning, I look forward to writing down those 2-3 things I’m grateful for. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I continue to find more ways to be grateful for the challenges I’ve been through in life.

Once you can truly feel gratitude for your own journey—all the joy, love, pain, and suffering—the world opens up in a way that gives your life more meaning than you’ve ever felt before.

I’m grateful for each of you reading about my journey. My deepest belief is that I’m on this planet to find purpose in what I’ve been through and help others live better lives.

Thank you for being a part of it.

What is one struggle you’ve faced that you can find an ounce of gratitude for today?

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