How You Talk to Yourself Is Making Your Anxiety Worse
A Practical Guide to Shifting From Brutal Self-Criticism to Calmer, More Supportive Self-Talk
One of the larger revelations I’ve had in therapy was that I just wasn’t that kind to myself.
I harshly judged my anxiety because my model of masculinity said men are supposed to be strong, tough, and fearless. So when panic hit, I didn’t just feel scared. I felt weak. Emasculated, even.
For most of my 20s and 30s, I was terrified of any sort of panic symptom arising in my body. And then when that heart palpitation would inevitably lead to my chest tightening and me feeling faint, I would start to freak out. “Oh sh*t, here it comes.”
That second layer of judgment only added fuel to the anxiety fire.
For me this showed up as “not man enough,” but the core story is universal: if you’re anxious, something must be wrong with you.
Psychologists actually have a name for this: self-criticism. And there’s strong evidence that high self-criticism and low self-compassion are linked with higher anxiety and depression.
How Harsh Self-Talk Quietly Makes Anxiety Worse
Let’s talk quickly about self-esteem versus self-compassion.
Self-esteem is often fragile because it relies on external validation. You need to feel special and above average.
Self-compassion, however, is about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend. You give yourself the same grace you’d give a friend or family member, being less critical as you navigate life.
Researchers like Kristin Neff have shown that people with higher self-compassion tend to have lower anxiety and depression, and even show healthier stress markers like lower cortisol and higher heart-rate variability.
On paper, I loved this idea. In reality? I realized I had almost no self-compassion. I harshly judged myself for:
Having anxiety: “Why can’t you just be normal like everyone else?”
Letting it build into panic: “Why do you let a heart flutter turn you into a scared little boy?”
Not handling it “like a man”: “Why can’t you be tougher and white-knuckle it?”
Thinking I’m failing because I obviously am not as far along as I’d like with my anxiety: “See, all that work you’ve done means nothing. You still have anxiety and you still can’t handle a panic attack.”
That lack of self-compassion actually ratchets up the anxiety because now not only do I believe I can’t handle it, but I have an even worse self-image because of how badly I talk to myself.
“See, I told you you couldn’t handle it. You’re so weak. And you want to help other people with their anxiety? Lol.”
Essentially, my panic part had taken the wheel and my Self energy was nowhere to be found.
(If you’re not familiar with “parts” language, Self is that calm, grounded core of you. The panic part is the one that hits the alarm button.)
Studies show that repeated negative self-talk strengthens the “anxiety highways” in the brain because the brain literally gets better at whatever you practice, including catastrophizing.
In contrast, positive self-talk strengthens the prefrontal cortex (the rational brain), effectively “quieting” the amygdala over time.
When you practice calmer, more balanced self-talk, you’re exercising the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that can say, “I know my heart is racing, but I’m not actually in danger. I am safe.”
How you choose to talk to yourself has major implications when it comes to your anxiety. Choose wisely.
The Experiment: Talking to Myself Like Someone I Actually Care About
I’ve found that the more grace I give to myself, the more I love who I am and what I’ve been through. And with that grace, I can now show up as a true leader for myself and my parts.
This gives me a feeling of agency that I can handle anything, and even in tough times, I know that I’m trying my best and this isn’t an indictment of who I am or how far I’ve come.
Here is an example of how I’ve learned to better lead myself and practice compassion both in the moment and afterwards:
Having anxiety: “I have a more active, reactive nervous system than other people. But that also allows me to feel fuller emotions, be better in tune with my body, and now I have a greater appreciation for what challenges other people face.”
Letting it build into panic: “My panicked part tries to take over in these moments to sound the alarm. And it does that to protect me out of love. But I do not need to freak out. Panicked part, I’m here to lead and keep you safe. I’ve been through this many times before. We always make it out alive, stronger and with more compassion for the human experience. I will protect you and you can quiet down. Let me handle this.”
Not handling it “like a man”: “My gender has nothing to do with my ability to handle a panic attack. These are scary for anybody, including the toughest people you know. This isn’t an indictment on my masculinity.”
Thinking I’m failing because I obviously am not as far along as I’d like with my anxiety: “Anxiety isn’t something to solve. I have a much deeper understanding of it now, and I know it doesn’t last forever. This is part of my journey, and I’m grateful for what it’s teaching me.”
It’s taken time to get to this point…about 20 years to be exact.
Give yourself grace for where you are right now, and where you are going.
A Simple, Honest Framework for Better Self-Talk to Reduce Anxiety
Here’s the simple framework I’ve been working on to take back control of my self-talk:
Notice the voice (Catch it, don’t merge with it): You can’t change what you don’t notice. This is a muscle to be built. The more you’re able to identify and catch your negative self-talk, the more you’re able to redirect into language that soothes your anxiety.
Before: [Doesn’t even notice the inner critic]
After: “Oh, there’s my inner critic. I see you.”
Normalize and validate (What would you tell a friend?): Swap shame for understanding. Give yourself the grace you would a friend and validate that these strong feelings and emotions are real and scary. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or your kid, don’t say it to yourself.
Before: “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so weak?”
After: “Of course you’re anxious. You’ve been under a lot of stress. It makes sense your body is on high alert.”
Lead with Self Using Distanced Self-Talk: One trick psychologists have found helpful is “distanced self-talk”—talking to yourself in the second or third person, like you would to someone you care about. It helps your rational brain take the wheel again.
Before: “I’m so anxious right now. This is terrible.”
After: “Andy, you’re having a wave of anxiety. You’ve been here before. You’ve always made it out alive, safe and sound. You are safe, and you can handle this.”
Full disclosure: I’m still working on this myself. Distanced self-talk doesn’t come naturally to me yet.
When I talk to myself this way, I’m letting my calm Self step in and lead, instead of letting my panic part drive the car.
This isn’t “good vibes only” over real fear. It’s being honest with yourself, but in a way that’s actually kind and grounded in reality.
This framework won’t erase anxiety, but it will change your relationship to it over time. I’ve noticed it’s given me a feeling of more agency, which in turn, gives me more confidence to manage my anxiety.
You Don’t Have to Be Your Own Enemy
You’ve likely heard the phrase “You are your own worst enemy.”
With anxiety, that can absolutely be true. Your brain takes your thoughts as fact unless you step in as Self with love, compassion, and logic.
I noticed a significant improvement in my anxiety and my ability to handle discomfort once I learned to lead myself through better self-talk.
I’m confident you will notice an improvement as well.
So, how are you talking to yourself? Are you giving yourself the grace you would a friend? Are you leading from calm Self energy or are you letting your anxious, panicked parts take the wheel?
If you’re willing, share one sentence you want to stop saying to yourself. And one new sentence you want to try instead.