I Thought Therapy Was for People Who Couldn't Figure It Out

I Was Wrong. Here's What I Found Instead.

For most of my adult life, I thought therapy was for people who couldn’t figure things out on their own.

I decided to start working with a therapist because I wanted to get my anxiety under control as I was tapering off an antidepressant I’d been on for 20 years.

I really was just looking for tools and tricks to help me as anxiety might come up throughout the process.

I also specifically chose a woman as my therapist so that I could practice being vulnerable and opening up to someone of the opposite sex. This has always been a challenge for me, because I’ve always equated vulnerability with weakness. And I knew that women were not attracted to weak men.

Turns out, sitting across from a woman and saying the hard things out loud was exactly the practice I needed.

And I learned quickly that my expectations didn’t match with reality once I got started.

What I Expected vs. What I Found

What I realized once I started therapy was that my anxiety went deeper than I imagined.

I thought everyday life stress was the driver of my anxiety and so I was looking for a few quick fixes. Easy, right?

What I found once I started the work was that to truly deal with the anxiety, I needed to turn inward and understand my inner world.

What causes me to feel anxious? What existential fears did I have? What core beliefs did I have that just aren’t true but I still believe?

My inner world was full of parts I didn’t even know existed.

My therapist has helped me to reveal these parts, understand their deep-seated beliefs, and teach me how to start working with them so they feel seen and at ease.

The Map & The Compass

Therapy gave me a mental map for my inner world, helping me connect the dots between my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions.

And then it gave me a compass to better navigate my life towards my true North Star, helping me to steer back in the right direction even when circumstances might occasionally cause me to get lost.

It’s helped me to really show up as the person I actually want to be, leading myself in ways I’ve not been able to in the past.

My self-talk is much more positive. I’m more compassionate with myself. When anxiety spikes, I can drop into my body and figure out what is actually scared — and talk to it.

This would’ve never been possible if I continued to try to figure everything out on my own.

What I Wish I Would’ve Known Before Starting

Not all therapists are the same — and neither are their approaches

Before I found my current therapist, I worked with two others in the past who didn’t really help me. Both leaned heavily on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which just didn’t resonate with me.

I didn’t know then that the modality and the person matter as much as the decision to go. A bad fit doesn’t mean therapy doesn’t work. It might just mean that therapist didn’t work for you.

You will probably go in thinking one thing is the problem

I went in for anxiety management tools. What I found was that the anxiety was a symptom of something much deeper. Go in with an open mind about what might actually come up. It’s probably not what you expect.

The first few sessions might feel like nothing is happening

Building trust with a therapist takes time. I left my first couple of sessions thinking, “When do we make progress?” That’s normal. The breakthroughs don’t come until the relationship has some foundation under it.

Discomfort in a session usually means you’re close to something important

When a topic makes you want to change the subject or you feel physically uncomfortable, that’s not a reason to back off.

In my experience, that’s usually exactly where the useful stuff is.

What I Was Wrong About

I spent years thinking I didn’t need therapy. I thought I could figure it out on my own. I thought needing help was weakness.

I was wrong on all three counts.

The work can be uncomfortable. But for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I actually know myself. And I know how to find my way back when I get lost.

I spent years thinking I could figure everything out alone. Turns out, I just needed the right person in the room.

If you’ve been on the fence about therapy, drop your questions in the comments. I can answer from my experience.