Nobody is Coming to Save You

But That Doesn't Mean You Have to Go Through it Alone

I grew up with every possible need met.

I had parents that deeply loved me and provided for me.

I grew up in an affluent suburb in Ohio with a great school district and a high marriage rate.

I was surrounded by people that loved their families, had good jobs, and cared about the wellbeing of others.

I didn’t have a single issue growing up outside of the low grade anxiety I felt on a daily basis.

The downside to my idyllic childhood was not learning how to truly trust myself and my ability to deal with challenges.

I always had loving parents nearby to catch me. I was always surrounded with good friends who kept me busy and grounded.

When I went off to college at 18, no matter that it was only 15 minutes up the road from my family, I was extremely unprepared mentally.

I knew nobody. It felt like I no longer had that safety net I was so accustomed to.

My mom and dad weren’t there to make dinner and do my laundry and make sure I went to bed at a decent time.

I’m slightly embarrassed to say that freshman year, I called my mom on the phone and asked her how to do laundry because I’d never cared to listen when she had described it to me numerous times before. My dirty clothes went into a hamper and they magically showed up in my room a day or two later clean and folded. (Thank you, Mom. I love you!)

Later on in my 20s, when I was feeling invincible like most at that age, I created habits in my life like drinking that gave me a sense of the things that were missing in my life—excitement, an absence of anxiety and worry, and spontaneity.

And when my drinking got bad enough, I was unwilling to talk about it with anyone lest that mean I have a problem and I can’t handle it on my own.

I’ve always tried to fix my own problems because I thought that was what being a man was.

The truth was, I was partially correct. And also way off base.

I’ve learned two important lessons over the years and they seem contradictory at first:

1. You cannot fix all your problems yourself

2. Nobody will fix your problems for you

I was incapable of solving my toughest challenges myself. I’ve needed family, friends, significant others, and medical professionals to help me navigate my anxiety and sobriety.

I work closely with my doctor on my health. I go to therapy twice a month. I go to a hot yoga studio three times a week. Without these, I shudder to think at what my life would look like.

I couldn't make meaningful progress by myself. The self-made man is a story we tell. It's not how any of us actually get anywhere.

The other lesson is that nobody will solve your problems for you.

This requires you to have the self-awareness of your challenges, but also choose to take active steps to addressing them.

Once I got into my upper 30s, I looked around and realized I felt empty. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt numb.

My relationships hadn’t worked out. Yet all my friends and family were in relationships and seemed to be doing well.

I remember sitting alone at home, truly feeling the loneliness and wondering why me? Why can’t I drink like my friends? Why can’t I be in a loving, secure relationship? Why am I still terrified of panic attacks?

I just remember not having a single answer that I believed. I was dumbfounded. That’s when I realized nobody was coming to save me. It was just me and these things I couldn’t fix alone.

The truth was, I had never been tested that way before. Growing up with every need met meant my mind was never sharpened by real hardship. There was always a safety net. So I kept expecting one, even when it was no longer there.

Life doesn’t work that way. Nor should it.

These challenges were mine and mine alone. But that didn’t mean I had to go it alone.

My life didn’t get better until I asked for help. I built a team around me that included my doctor and my therapist.

They didn’t save me. But they enabled me to save myself.

Who’s on your team?