Reflections on 7 Years of Sobriety

Lessons that only made sense years later

When I started out with my sobriety journey, it was because I had hit rock bottom with my drinking.

I was binging on the weekends, only 1-2 times per week, but drinking enough each time that it would cause blackouts.

I felt terrible afterwards. My anxiety would skyrocket the next few days. I would feel ashamed of myself for blacking out yet again.

I would get fed up. I’d tell myself I was done drinking, done feeling this way, but I refused to actually make the final decision.

It was very difficult for me to finally tell myself, “I will never take another drink again.”

I’ve learned a lot through my sobriety journey and today, as I’m writing this, is my 7-year anniversary of getting sober.

I’d like to share some reflections from my life that have come with time and distance.

1. If you want to stop drinking, you have to change your identity

It wasn’t enough for me to just not drink. I couldn’t stop drinking until I finally convinced myself I’d had my last drink.

I had to change my mental model of who I was, especially in social situations. I would tell myself over and over, “I don’t drink. I’m a sober person.”

I really had to convince myself. Otherwise, the second you walk into a social situation with alcohol, boom, “Well, I can just have one.”

Nope. Sorry, Andy. You don’t drink at all.

You’ll never drink again.

It’s not an option.

2. There isn’t a drunk night that’s worth the next day hangxiety

I’ve had some really fun nights drinking. Nights that I still talk about with my friends.

But none of those nights have been worth the hangover and anxiety that inevitably comes the next day. I’ve had plenty of panic attacks the day after drinking heavily. It was never worth it.

And most of the time, I was alone to deal with them myself.

I had fun in a lot of social settings with people, but those people were never there the next day to help me deal with the aftermath of anxiety, panic, and depression.

3. You don’t have to drink every day to be a problem drinker

I used the fact that I didn’t drink all that often, once or twice a week, as a way to tell myself I didn’t have a problem.

Except only drinking once or twice a week was still severely affecting my health, my decision-making, and my relationships.

I became a version of myself I didn’t want to be, especially the next day. I couldn’t show up for people because I was busy in my hangxiety spiral.

One of the questions you get asked by doctors or therapists when evaluating your drinking is, “Does drinking alcohol ever cause you to miss important events, appointments, call in sick for work, etc.?”

If it does, that means it potentially could be a problem. It certainly was for me.

4. Getting sober means figuring out who you really are

I didn’t spend a lot of time figuring myself out in my 20s and early 30s.

I had a very hedonistic view on how I would spend my time, chasing excitement and burying the anxiety.

I really didn’t understand what I liked to do and I had very few hobbies outside of playing sports, watching sports, and drinking. And I could marry those hobbies together by drinking and watching sports!

I had a girlfriend that once told me my drinking wouldn’t stop because “there will always be a game.”

She was right. There was always a game on to use as an excuse to go drink at a bar.

The real work happens when you stop drinking and have much more time on your hands. How will you spend your time now?

5. You will lose “friends” when you stop drinking

This is inevitable.

We all have friends that like to drink. But real friends are the ones that support your decision and still want to hang out when you’re not drinking.

As I mentioned before, there is always a game, an event, an excuse to drink.

Which friends still invite you to hang out and which ones stop inviting you at all?

I had a few acquaintances fall off when I stopped drinking because we only ever hung out on the weekends when it was time to go out to bars.

That’s totally fine. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

You just outgrew the relationship.

6. You’ll need to get comfortable with explaining why you don’t drink

We live in a society that is very nosy. With reality TV so ubiquitous, we want to know everyone’s business.

We also live in a culture that is very alcohol-centric.

The toughest part for me when I stopped drinking was denying drinks and then having people question me about why.

I have a theory about why people are so aghast when others don’t drink around them. I think it turns you into a mirror for them to become aware of their own drinking.

It puts the focus on them. In an effort to turn the focus off of them, they want to know why you are breaking the social norms and not drinking.

I’ve tested a number of ways of telling people I don’t drink, and the ones that leave the door open for interpretation, like “I just don’t drink” or “I’m not drinking right now” always lead to more questions. Always.

The quickest way I’ve found to get someone to leave me alone is to be honest and tell them I’m an alcoholic. I also like to think it teaches them a lesson about asking someone deeply personal questions in situations they probably shouldn’t.

I have no problem making it awkward to make a point if a person really will not leave me alone.

You might not be comfortable doing that and that’s totally fine too. You just have to figure out what works best for you.

7. Find ways to replace the social connection you’ll lose

It took me years of sobriety to realize that I was still mourning my drinking years and I hadn’t replaced the social connection of getting together with all my friends and drinking.

I had a huge hole in my life and couldn’t identify it, let alone fill it.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but duh, Andy. I loved going out and meeting my friends and having a great time.

When I stopped drinking, I lost a lot of those types of opportunities that were focused on drinking.

I made the decision that I was still going to hang out with my friends, no matter what. Even if it was still going out to bars and sports games.

That decision won’t work for a lot of sober people because that might trigger the urge to drink.

If that’s the case, you’ll need to find other avenues to replace that social connection.

Finding people with mutual hobbies is really powerful when you’re in your 30s and older. Run groups, sports leagues, trivia nights, board game clubs. There are tons of options, and many won’t revolve around drinking. Though many of those also might.

You just have to identify your interests and find your people. And if you have friends that are willing to join with you, even better.

I’m in a golf league over the Spring and Summer months that plays once a week. Over the Winter, I belong to an indoor golf simulator practice facility, and I’m in a golf league there as well. I also volunteer with First Tee. I’m in a movie club with people at work. And I have regular dinners and calls I schedule with my friends to stay connected.

Sobriety is not something you should manage alone. Invite people into your world and watch your world expand.

As a problem drinker, my life didn’t get better until I stopped drinking.

My hope for you is that you find your why and always go towards that.

You can do it. I have no doubt.