The Benefits of Being Alone with Your Thoughts
And why it's so hard for us to actually do
Lately, I’ve realized that I struggle to sit alone in silence without some kind of external stimulation.
I can’t exactly describe it, but it feels like a force is constantly pulling me to grab my phone, turn on the TV, play a podcast, or flip through a magazine.
I notice it’s strongest with social media apps on my phone. When I’m bored on the couch,with a show or movie on the TV, I’ll pick up my phone and open Instagram and scroll.
After five minutes, I’m done. I’ll put my phone down. But then a minute later, I get this feeling that I need to pick my phone back up and check Instagram again.
Of course, nothing happened. I saw no important information. It didn’t make me feel any better about myself (probably worse actually).
I’ve recognized this is a problem, but I’ve still struggled with building up any capacity to be alone with my thoughts and not have some kind of external stimulation going on around me.
I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard from many people that have similar feelings. But it got me thinking, why is it so hard these days to sit in silence and be with our thoughts?
I’m Not Alone
If you’ve read this far, I’m not sure you need any proof that this is a challenge. You’ve most likely felt this as well.
But let’s talk quickly about a University of Virginia study1 that showed just how far people are willing to go to not sit alone in boredom with their thoughts.
In the study, people were left alone for 15 minutes without any kind of stimulation, just their thoughts. Except, they were given the option to shock themselves.
So, sit alone and do nothing and think. Or sit alone and shock yourself lightly.
Here are some interesting statistics from the study:
67% of men and 25% of women shocked themselves at least once
Of the people that shocked themselves, the average was 1.47 shocks
One outlier shocked himself 190 times
The authors’ conclusions, while not definitive, were that people prefer any kind of stimulation over non-stimulation, even if it’s negative.
From Silence to Gutter Anxiety
This study aligns with what I’ve experienced in my own life when I’ve become aware of my habits.
It’s uncomfortable for me to sit and do nothing, especially when I’m bored.
My brain and inner dialogue are very active, meaning sitting alone with no external stimulation means I’m inviting my brain to run wild, which has been a scary proposition throughout my life.
I have a history of anxious thoughts and ruminations, which means that empty space typically is where my brain might decide to latch onto negative thoughts and away I go.
Let me give you an example.
I was sitting on the deck reading a book and took a brief break to just sit and be still.
I noticed that part of my gutter is starting to fall off. It looks like a nail might be missing that attaches it to the side of my house.
I then started thinking about how much that was going to cost to fix, what would happen if there was a heavy rain storm before I fixed it and it made even more damage, how much that would then cost, who could even do the work, why I struggle so much doing my own home maintenance, and eventually I felt bad about myself, was stressed about what was needed and how much it would cost, and I chose to completely ignore it all instead. (It’s still falling off)
Experience has taught me that sitting alone with my thoughts can be unsafe and/or uncomfortable. And the UVA study seems to confirm I’m not alone.
So if silence is where my brain goes to spiral about gutters, what else is it capable of doing in there?
What the Silence Is Actually Doing
There's a part of the brain called the Default Mode Network (DMN) that comes online only when we're not preoccupied with outside stimulation.
It gets activated when we are daydreaming and its activity is tied to our creativity.
However, many of us struggle to actually bring the DMN online as we go from external stimulation to external stimulation the entire time we’re awake.
Hell, I sometimes even go to bed with the TV on just to have some background noise to focus on instead of what is going through my head.
But I'd venture to say we're missing out on something.
If DMN activity is tied to creativity and daydreaming, and we never let it come online, we're probably limiting our abilities. And I'd also guess we're missing out on opportunities to build up our discomfort tolerance.
How I’m Building Resilience
Over the last few weeks, I've started experimenting with a couple things to build up more inner resilience.
Walking Without Headphones
I’ve started to take my daily walks with my dog without headphones, meaning I’m no longer listening to music or podcasts as I walk her.
It was pretty awkward and uncomfortable at first, feeling like I didn’t know what to do or think about. And this is typically where I get myself into trouble with rumination by letting my mind run wild and not having the ability to reel it in.
If I notice my thoughts drifting into anxiety or rumination, I can now steer it back to focus on the sensations of walking, with my feet hitting the pavement. And then I come up with a topic I want to think about, like what I’m grateful for or some ideas for the next app I want to build.
Sitting Alone in Silence
This has proven to be the tougher exercise for me.
At least when you’re walking, you can observe everything around you, like the trees, the squirrels, the clouds, and the people.
Sitting alone on the couch or the deck has much fewer stimuli for me to interact with, which, duh, is kind of the point.
I’ve started to run a timer, starting with three minutes, where I sit alone in silence and just think. I put my phone face down and out of arm’s reach and don’t let myself move.
I’ve noticed time goes by pretty slow to start, but the more I do it, the quicker it feels. My next threshold is five minutes. And I’ll keep increasing from there.
Still Uncomfortable
Once I started down this path, I’ve found it easier to spend time with myself. The discomfort isn’t totally gone, but I’ve been building up an inner capacity to be alone with my thoughts and feel comfortable.
It's going to take continued work, especially with the TV and my phone still sitting right there, waiting. But I'd rather build the capacity than keep avoiding the discomfort altogether.
Did you notice yourself in any of this? And how comfortable do you feel being alone with your own thoughts? I’d love to hear in the comments.