The Life That Eludes You

On Grief, Resistance, and Learning to Love the Season You Didn't Plan For

At almost 40 years old, I wake up every single morning alone.

Trust me when I say I did not expect this.

I wasn’t planning on being single and childless entering my 40th birthday.

I had these expectations throughout my life that I would have already met the love of my life, we’d have fallen deeply in love, got married, and had kids.

I’ve been deeply in love, but unfortunately, that hasn’t been enough.

The Grief is Real

There is a bone-chillingly deep grief that comes from mourning the life that eludes you.

For men and women, it gets tied to our inherent value.

We know the expectations society has on us.

We feel the awkwardness when we meet people and they realize we’re not married and don’t have kids.

I’ve been asked many times “Married? Kids?” and purposely made a joke that I have an 8-year-old pitbull just to fill the awkwardness.

And it becomes even more painful when those are the things I want.

I acknowledge that my path brought me here. There are a lot of things I would change in my past that might have made my reality today different.

It’s difficult and uncomfortable to sit with, knowing that my patterns, fears, and choices contributed to my current situation.

But I cannot change the past. I can only learn from it.

And wishing my past was different is a form of resistance that only causes me deeper suffering.

Resistance is the Root of Suffering

My friend sent me a Martha Beck podcast to listen to about suffering. In it, Martha describes a very buddhist concept that resistance is what causes all of our emotional suffering.

She introduces this equation:

Pain x resistance = suffering

Remember, anything multiplied by 0 is 0. Meaning, no resistance, no suffering.

Pain is unavoidable. You will not go through life without bad things happening.

But we can control the amount that we let ourselves suffer by choosing to accept the situations we’re in.

When I’ve chosen to walk through life focused on what I didn’t have, I was indirectly choosing to add to my suffering.

The Unexpected Gifts

By focusing on the pain, by giving it power through resistance, I was missing out on the almost infinite possibilities I have as a single man.

I’ve achieved a mental clarity and true sense of knowing myself I doubt I could’ve achieved in different circumstances.

I likely wouldn’t have felt the need to create this Above Anxiety outlet for me to share my experiences and lessons with others.

I also wouldn't have been able to work on the lonely boy part inside of me, meaning I would have taken that wounded part into relationships and expected my partner to heal him.

These are all blessings that I hadn’t considered before, but I’m now deeply grateful for the opportunities.

How I’m Moving Forward

I still wake up alone every single morning. What’s different is what I choose to do with it.

I choose to focus on loving myself everyday, improving myself through my words and actions, and most of all, I choose to keep my heart open to the love that I know I deserve and will come to me.

I cannot control when that love shows up. But I can control how I show up in the world every single day. And I choose to show up as a strong, regulated man that leads with his heart.

That is what will attract the right person for me.

If you're carrying grief about a life that hasn't looked the way you planned, what is this season quietly building in you that you haven't given yourself credit for yet?

I’d love to hear in the comments. Thank you so much for reading.