Wow, this was an awesome read! I couldn't stop thinking while reading if any of the health professionals you have worked with ever mentioned OCD, the existential type specifically. Some of things that you had mentioned that made think of it were that you kept taking antidepressants and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years but it didn't get better. If it helped, would you find yourself trying to drown your thoughts in alcohol and other not so healthy behaviors? This is very similar to what people with undiagnosed ADHD and OCD experience. They are trying to self-medicate with substances and it temporarily helps relieve the symptoms. Compulsions that people with existential OCD have to perform to get rid of existential intrusive thoughts are:
Excessive research and reading on existential topics.
Seeking reassurance from others about their existence or the nature of reality.
Ruminating on these questions for hours, trying to find definitive answers.
Trying to find physical evidence that they or their surroundings are real (e.g., pinching themselves, looking in mirrors).
I would certainly look into it, judging from my own experience, when I worked with a therapist weekly for 4+ months yet he haven't even brought up ADHD and OCD once. Once I found a different psychologist, she was able to diagnose ADHD after 2 appointments (perhaps it has to do with gender stereotypes and her experience working with female ADHD specifically). 2 appointments later I was diagnosed with OCD and was able to trace origins of ADHD and OCD in genetics passed down to me from my mom and my maternal grandparents.
Andy, I'm 100% certain that my own anxiety and depression – both of which are now well into the "red zone" – are rooted in a lack of purpose. Since I woke up about a year ago and said, "Hey, I guess I'm now retired...", all the meds, and all of the hollow distractions (ever heard of this black void called "the internet"?), aren't moving that needle out of that red zone.
What I'm grappling with is HOW to find my purpose and (perhaps at the risk of overthinking this), look at a potential "toxic need" to *avoid* finding that out.
Thanks, Andy for writing this! It pairs interestingly with this other piece (https://ayushithakkar.substack.com/p/what-if-you-dont-have-a-purpose) that I also recently read on Substack so I wanted to share. It's funny bc "purpose" was definitely one of those things I thought about a lot in my younger years. But now I'm old, it's receded into the distance and I don't think about it much anymore. Another framing I like (I think younger kids invented it) is "MCs vs NPCs" and how everyone thinks they're an MC even when they aren't which is the root of a lot of existential angst; they have not achieved "narrative alignment". Where I am now is I really encourage focusing on things that *immediately* make you happy and fulfilled. And learning what depletes or replenishes you, and then gathering all of the resources to make that happen. Put another way: moving through life more "bottom-up" and intuitively, and honestly, thinking about the Big Meta Questions less and not more, has helped me a lot.
Oh, Andy… I loved this so much. And I relate to a lot of it. For me, being as self aware as I am, has been a tremendous gift. And a huge helper for my nervous system. The self awareness was always there… but was overshadowed by parental figures who needed me to be something different for them. Once I let that relationship run its course, I finally met myself.
The fact that you’re living in such an aware space makes me so happy. And proud.
Your story is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it❤️
Beauty is in our strength, to understand, with the clarity of who we are. This is personal growth, to move forward. We are enough, when we understand ourselves.
Wow, this was an awesome read! I couldn't stop thinking while reading if any of the health professionals you have worked with ever mentioned OCD, the existential type specifically. Some of things that you had mentioned that made think of it were that you kept taking antidepressants and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for over 20 years but it didn't get better. If it helped, would you find yourself trying to drown your thoughts in alcohol and other not so healthy behaviors? This is very similar to what people with undiagnosed ADHD and OCD experience. They are trying to self-medicate with substances and it temporarily helps relieve the symptoms. Compulsions that people with existential OCD have to perform to get rid of existential intrusive thoughts are:
Excessive research and reading on existential topics.
Seeking reassurance from others about their existence or the nature of reality.
Ruminating on these questions for hours, trying to find definitive answers.
Trying to find physical evidence that they or their surroundings are real (e.g., pinching themselves, looking in mirrors).
I would certainly look into it, judging from my own experience, when I worked with a therapist weekly for 4+ months yet he haven't even brought up ADHD and OCD once. Once I found a different psychologist, she was able to diagnose ADHD after 2 appointments (perhaps it has to do with gender stereotypes and her experience working with female ADHD specifically). 2 appointments later I was diagnosed with OCD and was able to trace origins of ADHD and OCD in genetics passed down to me from my mom and my maternal grandparents.
Andy, I'm 100% certain that my own anxiety and depression – both of which are now well into the "red zone" – are rooted in a lack of purpose. Since I woke up about a year ago and said, "Hey, I guess I'm now retired...", all the meds, and all of the hollow distractions (ever heard of this black void called "the internet"?), aren't moving that needle out of that red zone.
What I'm grappling with is HOW to find my purpose and (perhaps at the risk of overthinking this), look at a potential "toxic need" to *avoid* finding that out.
In any event, thank you for the clarity!
Everyone’s journey to finding purpose is unique! Therapy was really helpful for me, along with writing.
Thanks, Andy for writing this! It pairs interestingly with this other piece (https://ayushithakkar.substack.com/p/what-if-you-dont-have-a-purpose) that I also recently read on Substack so I wanted to share. It's funny bc "purpose" was definitely one of those things I thought about a lot in my younger years. But now I'm old, it's receded into the distance and I don't think about it much anymore. Another framing I like (I think younger kids invented it) is "MCs vs NPCs" and how everyone thinks they're an MC even when they aren't which is the root of a lot of existential angst; they have not achieved "narrative alignment". Where I am now is I really encourage focusing on things that *immediately* make you happy and fulfilled. And learning what depletes or replenishes you, and then gathering all of the resources to make that happen. Put another way: moving through life more "bottom-up" and intuitively, and honestly, thinking about the Big Meta Questions less and not more, has helped me a lot.
Oh, Andy… I loved this so much. And I relate to a lot of it. For me, being as self aware as I am, has been a tremendous gift. And a huge helper for my nervous system. The self awareness was always there… but was overshadowed by parental figures who needed me to be something different for them. Once I let that relationship run its course, I finally met myself.
The fact that you’re living in such an aware space makes me so happy. And proud.
Your story is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it❤️
Thank you, Abbey! Really appreciate it. 🙏🏻
Beauty is in our strength, to understand, with the clarity of who we are. This is personal growth, to move forward. We are enough, when we understand ourselves.
Yes!