You Have Many Different Parts Inside of You (Here’s How to Lead Them)
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) for Self-Leadership
No matter what was going on in my life, I used to struggle with leading myself. I was like a leaf, blowing wherever the wind or other people took me.
I had no concept of why I was the way I was. Why I reacted certain ways. What patterns I kept repeating. And I definitely didn’t know how to weather storms.
I didn’t have outbursts. I silently imploded.
I learned not to trust my intuition or my ability to handle whatever came next.
It wasn’t until I learned about “parts work” through Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I began to take the wheel on my own life.
It’s the most profound work I’ve ever done, and I use it daily to care for my inner parts and lead myself from a calm, collected center (my “Self”).
Brief Intro to Internal Family Systems
IFS is a therapeutic framework developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz to help people understand their inner world and lead from their benevolent Self energy.
IFS says we have an inner family of parts that developed to protect us from situations we couldn’t handle. It’s made up of a few key elements:
Managers: Proactive protectors that try to keep life controlled and predictable so you don’t get hurt. They show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, staying busy, staying “good,” or trying to manage everyone’s perception of you.
Firefighters: Reactive protectors that rush in when the pain gets unbearable to shut it down. These are the parts behind numbing, escaping, compulsive distractions, overworking, bingeing—anything that gives immediate relief.
Exiles: The younger, vulnerable parts that carry the original pain: fear, shame, grief, loneliness, “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable,” “I’m unsafe.” Managers and firefighters often work hard to keep these exiled feelings from being felt because they’re so difficult to deal with.
Self: Who you are at your core. Your calm, grounded center. This isn’t another part that needs fixing. It’s the leader. The goal is to work with your protectors from Self to care for your inner system.
If this sounds a little strange at first, stay with me.
“Parts” is just language for something you already know is true: you’re not the same person when you’re calm as when you’re triggered. IFS gives you a way to notice that shift and choose who leads.
To drive this home, let me give you an example from my life.
A Quick Example of Parts in Real Life
My Panic Manager
I have a panic part of me that developed when I had my first panic attack at 18 and thought I was dying. That trauma still lives in my body.
It gets activated when I feel sensations that remind me of that panic attack, like when my heart starts racing for no reason.
A Manager part formed to prevent that from ever happening again. It became obsessed with control. It tried to control variables in my life to avoid anything that might spike anxiety, because I learned anxiety grew into panic. And panic was terrifying.
That showed up in simple ways:
I wanted to drive to everything “just in case” I needed to leave.
I avoided traveling far because the idea of panicking away from my support systems felt unbearable.
Your parts develop to shield and protect you from things you didn’t yet have the ability to handle. A lot of times, they end up hurting you despite wanting to help.
I’ve missed out on experiences and connections because my Manager part was trying to protect me from the possibility of panic.
My Panic Firefighter
Firefighters are more intense. Their job is to put out the fire by any means necessary. People with addictions often have very active Firefighters that use substances to shield them from their most intense feelings and memories.
I have a panic Firefighter that would come online when I was really anxious, and it often used alcohol.
If I put myself in an overwhelming situation, like a house party with lots of people I didn’t know, I’d use alcohol to put the anxiety fire out.
What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t solving anything. I was making it worse once the alcohol wore off.
Accepting and Loving Your Parts
Therapy has been instrumental in my ability to understand my parts and lead from Self.
It’s also helped me accept and love them.
When you get triggered, a part takes the wheel. It starts doing what it learned to do a long time ago. And most of our parts are earlier, younger versions of ourselves, so they don’t always behave in helpful, mature ways.
I’ve learned that love is choosing to lead my parts by connecting with them, reassuring them I’m here, and asking them to quiet down and let me lead.
What Self-Leadership Looks Like
This has been the most profound work of my life. Even during the hardest moments this past year, I’ve been able to show up, lead my parts, and stay rooted in Self, even when it hurts.
I’m not perfect. I still find myself ruminating too long, wallowing, and not catching it fast enough.
But like most things, it’s a muscle. With practice, you catch it sooner and you lead more.
Now when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I can take a step back and ask, “Who’s active right now? Who’s hurting?” Once you know your parts, this gets a lot easier.
Here are five steps you can follow next time you feel activated:
Notice the takeover
“I’m activated”
Body cues (tight chest, racing mind, urge to fix)
Name the part (and unblend — remind yourself: this is a part, not all of you)
“A younger part is here”
“This is a part of me, not all of me”
Get curious (2–3 questions)
“What are you afraid will happen?”
“What are you trying to protect me from?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
Lead (reassure + set a boundary)
“I hear you”
“You’re not driving today”
“We can feel this without reacting”
“We’ll take one clean step”
Choose a regulated next action
Pick one: walk, breathwork, journaling, hot yoga, call a friend, or time-box rumination
The other thing I do when I feel really activated is remind the part who I am now. Why should it listen to me?
I remind it that I’m a 39-year-old man who knows so much more about myself and about life. I remind the part how much work I’ve done so it can trust me, release the wheel, and let me start steering.
As I mentioned, these parts are often earlier versions of us.
18-year-old me wasn’t prepared for stress, anxiety, or panic attacks. But 39-year-old me is a damn veteran dealing with these things. I can handle it. The part doesn’t need to.
I’ve had many of these conversations with my parts, and I always feel better afterward. Lighter. More in control. More able to focus on what I actually need in that moment.
That’s true Self-leadership.
Start Small
You don’t need to be an IFS expert to get value from it today.
Next time you feel yourself spiraling, notice that a part of you is activated.
Ask: “What is it protecting me from?”
And respond with compassion and leadership: “I’m here. I’ve got you. Let me lead. I can handle it.”
The goal isn’t to silence your parts, but to become the leader your parts trust.
You’ll notice your parts start to quiet down once you’ve shown them you can be that trusted leader.
If you’d like to read more about IFS, I highly suggest reading Dr. Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts.
If this resonated, reply in the comments: what “part” shows up for you most often—the critic, the fixer, the pleaser, or the numbing part?
If you want, tell me what tends to trigger it. I read every reply.