Co-Regulation: The Skills Nobody Taught Us
How Our Nervous Systems Calm Each Other Down — And How to Use It
Intuitively, we all know that there are people you don’t feel comfortable around. And people who feel like home.
Most of us were never taught to trust that signal. We override it with other emotions: attraction, obsession, the need to be chosen.
We are social creatures, and we often forget that we need each other for regulation.
Especially here in America, where we idolize independence, we don’t get taught something basic: we’re supposed to help each other regulate.
Here’s what co-regulation is, why it works, and how to ask for it without feeling weird.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the biological process of using someone else’s nervous system to calm your own. We’re wired for connection, but many of us were taught to treat that as “needy.”
When you’re dysregulated, your nervous system is in threat mode, defaulting to fight or flight instead of calm reasoning and reassurance.
For that dysregulated person, this is often terrifying and disorienting. Dealing with this alone can be one of the scariest experiences, because it can feel like you’re losing control of your mind and body.
Co-regulation can be the antidote to that spiral and often requires nothing more than someone else’s calm, regulated nervous system in proximity to you (or even on the phone).
The most interesting thing to me about co-regulation is that humans are not the only mammals that do this.
Did you know:
Dogs: Can sync heart rate variability (HRV) with their owners during interaction. Your dog can literally help regulate your nervous system.
Elephants: Use touch and proximity to calm each other in response to distress.
Chimps: Groom one another to reduce anxiety through physical touch and can show measurable decreases in heart rate and cortisol (the stress hormone).
Being around someone calm can lower your baseline anxiety and help you regulate in moments of distress.
How it Actually Works
Our bodies are constantly monitoring for threats and safety at an unconscious level.
We’re monitoring facial expressions, tone, proximity, touch, connection, and a whole host of other factors to assess if we’re safe.
Being near someone (or even on the phone with them) with a calm nervous system can help you match their pace. It doesn’t happen instantly. But with a little time, your body downshifts: you relax, your heart rate drops, and your breathing slows.
That’s one of the best parts about being human.
Our presence can greatly affect someone else’s nervous system. We can either dysregulate others or regulate them simply by how we show up.
How to Ask for Co-Regulation
Understanding all of this, many of us are still too damn proud or too scared to ask for help.
We pride ourselves on our independence, feel shame for asking for help, and don’t even know how to ask for it.
Here are some ideas for how to ask for co-regulation when you really need it.
Scripts:
“I’m feeling _______ right now. Do you mind if I quietly hang out with you for a little bit to calm down?”
“Do you mind sitting with me (or talking with me) for a few minutes?”
“Can I call you? I’m feeling _________ and just need to hear someone’s calm voice.”
The hard truth about emotions like anxiety and shame is that they are amplified in isolation. It’s very easy to spiral when you’re alone trying to manage heavy or intense emotions by yourself.
Part of leading and loving yourself is asking for help when you need it.
This does not make you weak or a burden. People who truly love you show up for you when you need them. Just like you show up for them.
Action Item: Think about a few friends or family members who would make calm co-regulators. You can save this as a list on your phone, a favorite in your contacts, or just make a mental note.
Bonus points: Ask them ahead of time to be a part of your team so they understand the mission. And if you feel confident enough, you can mention you’ll be there for them as well.
When feelings get too big to handle alone, you want to be able to quickly catch them and choose who to connect with in the moment.
We Are Not Meant to Regulate Alone
Humans are social creatures, despite how many of us live these days.
Co-regulation isn’t some new woo-woo activity that an influencer created. It’s biology, and we’re just one of many species that has learned how to calm each other down and make each other feel safe.
On your toughest days, don’t try to numb your way out of anxiety. If possible, lean on your support system to get you back to equilibrium.
Next week: I’ll cover how to help someone else regulate when they’re spiraling (and what not to do).
When you’re spiraling, what do you usually do first: isolate or reach out? Let me know in the comments.