How a Chinese Parable Helps Me Calm Anxiety and Let Go of Control
"Maybe. Maybe Not."
Whenever uncertainty hits me, whether that’s a test result, replaying a painful lost relationship, or wondering if I’ve made the right decision about something, my mind wants to attach meaning in the moment.
But there’s an ancient story about a Chinese farmer that’s helped me slow down and breathe.
I’ll paraphrase the story:
The farmer owned one horse. One day, the horse ran away.
The neighbors rushed over. “This is terrible.”The farmer said, “Maybe. Maybe not.”
A week later the horse returned, and it brought back a wild stallion.
Now the farmer had two horses.The neighbors came back. “This is amazing!”
The farmer said, “Maybe. Maybe not.”
The farmer’s son tried to break the new horse. He was thrown off and broke his leg.
The neighbors: “What a loss. I’m so sorry.”
The farmer: “Maybe. Maybe not.”
A month later, soldiers arrived to conscript every young man in the village for a war.
The son was spared because of the broken leg.The neighbors: “How lucky.”
The farmer: “Maybe. Maybe not.”
You’ve probably heard this story before — Alan Watts and even Shia LaBeouf have both retold it — but the lesson always hits the same:
As humans, we can’t help but label everything that happens to us as good or bad, success or failure. That instinct to judge in real time is what creates so much of our suffering.
But life doesn’t hand us meaning in the moment. It’s impossible to know if something is helpful or unhelpful, good or bad, without the benefit of hindsight. Without being able to see where things go.
Much of my suffering comes from trying to decide what something “means” before life has had a chance to show me.
If a relationship doesn’t work out with a woman I love, my mind tells me I’ll never find someone like her again. (Suffering)
If my anxiety spikes, I assume I haven’t grown enough. (Suffering)
If I fall into a depressive episode, I convince myself I’ll always feel this way. (Suffering)
This short parable is a good reminder that I don’t have to cause my own suffering.
These stories my mind tells me aren’t facts. They’re fears.
There is another way.
I can practice not assigning meaning in the moment. “This could be helpful. It could not be. I can’t call it yet.”
And that little mindset shift has helped me lower my anxiety levels as life happens. My body relaxes. And my mind quiets.
Then I choose to continue moving forward.
Do you have any self talk or mantras that help you in your daily life? I’d love to hear! Leave a comment below.
Whenever I'm in my ego (which seems to be most of the time), I tend to react, rather than look at a given situation / outcome / feeling from a more distant, dispassionate perspective. So what helps – something I forget to do all too often – is something I shared earlier today in another comment: "Breathe in ... breathe out. Breathe in ... breathe out." (And lather, rinse and repeat.)
I love this. Something I’ve come to realize lately is that what causes my suffering is “resistance”. Not wanting to feel anxious, not wanting to feel sad, trying to make people or situations something they will never be. I’ve moved into a new phase of acceptance, and I truly feel so much lighter. You’ve motivated me to write a piece on this soon. Thank you!