How to Help Someone Else Regulate When They’re Spiraling
And What Not To Do
I’ve struggled in the past to be a rock for someone else when they’re falling apart.
My immediate thought was always, “Well, let me figure out what the problem is. And then let’s fix it.”
For someone with a dysregulated nervous system, logic and reason are basically offline. That’s why your best advice won’t land in that moment. Their alarm system is activated, and fight-or-flight has taken the wheel.
I never understood why my significant other would get mad at me. I’m trying to help you. Why are you lashing out at me?
Here’s what I didn’t understand back then: co-regulation isn’t about saying the perfect thing or solving the problem on the spot. It’s about staying steady. Being with them. Letting their nervous system borrow your calm long enough to come back down.
How can you better show up for someone else when they’re dysregulated? Here’s the simplest way I know to do it.
What is Co-Regulation?
If you read last week’s post, this will be a quick refresher.
Co-regulation is when one person’s nervous system helps calm someone else’s. Just being near someone steady can slow your heart rate and deepen your breathing.
And something interesting: humans aren’t the only mammals that co-regulate. Plenty of other animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, help each other regulate their nervous systems.
So what do you actually do in the moment? Here’s the simplest framework I’ve found.
How to Be STEADY
You don’t need to memorize this acronym. The goal for you is to recognize someone needs help, regulate yourself first, and then be there with empathy and reassurance.
S – Settle yourself first: Exhale. Shoulders down. Relax your jaw.
T – Tone low, pace slow: How you talk with someone who’s dysregulated matters. Lower your tone, speak softly, and slow your pace.
E – Empathy: “That sounds heavy.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.”
A – Ask what they need: “How can I help?” Sometimes they won’t know what they need, so move on to the next step.
D – Direct them to the body: Help them get back into their body. Have them focus on long, deep, slow breaths. They can focus on the pressure of their feet on the floor or their body in a chair. Have them name objects and colors they can see in the room. The goal is to get them out of their mind.
Y – You stay present: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe. I’ve got you.”
Keep in mind: If you get activated and your nervous system is on overdrive, this will only make things worse for them. Your job is to be the steady helper in the moment.
Sometimes, you might not be in a position to be steady. That’s okay. Your job then is to help that person find someone else who can.
What NOT To Do
You have the ability to calm someone else down. You also have the ability to make things even worse.
Here are some things to avoid in the moment:
Don’t try to minimize what they’re feeling. “You’re fine. Relax.”
Don’t try to rationalize their fear. “You’re not dying. There’s nothing to be scared of.”
Don’t try to problem-solve.
Don’t ask a bunch of questions.
Don’t make it about you.
Anxiety doesn’t respond to a lecture. It responds to safety.
Be That Safety for Someone Else
We aren’t meant to regulate alone. Our nervous systems are built to settle with the help of others.
The best gift you can give someone when they’re dysregulated is your presence and steadiness.
You don’t need to be a therapist. All it takes is your awareness and calm.
You can do it.
What’s the most helpful thing someone has said to you or done for you when you were spiraling? Let me know in the comments.