The Comparison Trap: Why Men Feel They're Never Enough
How to Break Free From the Pressure to Measure Up
One of the biggest challenges I’ve had as a man has been comparing myself to other men.
Most of the time, I don’t even know I’m doing it.
“Whoa, that’s a nice car. I wonder what he does for a living.”
“That dude is jacked. He must be in the gym all day long.”
“Wow, his wife is beautiful. He must be rich.”
It’s constant and feels never-ending.
Worse yet, I do it with my friends. It’s hard not to be jealous when they have what seem like perfect lives.
Where do these feelings and the pressure that comes along with them come from?
Why Men Are Wired to Compete
I’ve written about this at length in the article below (definitely check it out if you haven’t before moving on), but I’ll quickly summarize my thoughts on this.
Here’s an excerpt from the above piece:
Historically, men held positions of societal power—economic, political, and social. The pressure then became to secure more: more money, more power, more influence. In a capitalistic, patriarchal society, this relentless pursuit is often presented as the primary measure of male value.
Men have been conditioned to believe that our primary value comes from our relentless pursuit of wealth, power, and influence.
It’s unspoken but silently acknowledged and reinforced constantly throughout our lives, essentially from birth.
Competitiveness is a natural symptom causing men to constantly compare themselves to other men.
“Am I better looking?” “Is my wife better looking?” “Do I have more money?” “A better job?” “Do I sleep with more women?” “Am I stronger than him?” “Am I funnier than him?”
This constant focus on external validation and status takes a deep toll on our mental and physical health and men today are not doing well.
What we men have failed to acknowledge has been the emotional toll and health consequences that come from focusing on external validation at the expense of our internal, emotional selves. And this affects not only us but those closest to us through mental health issues, substance abuse, violence, relationship issues, and more.
How can we overcome these constant feelings of inadequacy and stop comparing ourselves to every man we come across?
Let’s talk strategies.
The Inner Work: Rewiring Your Mindset
Understanding why we compare ourselves is the first step.
But knowledge alone doesn't quiet the inner critic in the heat of the moment. The real work—and the real freedom—begins when we turn inward.
This isn't about blaming society; it's about reclaiming our own minds from the conditioning we've inherited.
The following steps are a mental toolkit for doing just that.
Naming the Pressure
Knowledge is power. If you’re reading this, thank you, and congrats, you’re already on a quest for growth.
It’s impossible to deal with an issue if you don’t know it exists.
If you are constantly itchy but don’t know the cause, you might just keep itching until your skin bleeds.
If you figure out why you’re itchy, like an allergic reaction to some kind of material, you can then deal with it.
This is no different.
Acknowledge that men have been conditioned to believe our value is tied to capitalistic measures, like our productivity, wealth, and influence.
You don’t need to reject capitalism. Just recognize how it’s wired you to chase external status.
Once you can do this, we can then start to work with our inner critic.
Confronting the Voice of "Not Enough"
Your inner critic is that voice in the back of your head that is constantly telling you you’re not enough. And comparing you to every other man, including friends and family.
This inner critic does have an evolutionary basis as it evolved to ensure our species’ survival.
But in modern times, we aren’t just focused on surviving anymore. We’re (mostly) past that.
As a species compared to our early ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, we’ve transitioned further up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, past Physiological Needs and Safety Needs into Love & Belonging and Esteem.
This inner critic, while a feature and not a bug, hasn’t had its “software” updated to reflect this progression.
Because of this, we all have a loud inner critic that can’t stop talking to us.
For us men, this inner critic tends to focus on our value in society, comparing us to every male in our ecosystem.
By acknowledging this exists, we can now challenge these thoughts and feelings, putting space between them.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be helpful to identify and challenge the automatic negative thoughts that fuel inadequacy.
Here are some examples of cognitive distortions to pay attention to:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: "If I don't get this promotion, my career is over."
Mental Filtering: Focusing only on the one negative comment you received and ignoring all the positive feedback.
Overgeneralization: "I failed at this project, so I'm a failure at everything."
"Should" Statements: "I should be earning more by this age." "I should be in better shape." These statements are often a direct line to guilt and shame.
By recognizing our inner critic and the cognitive distortions, we can then take a step back to reframe our thoughts.
Flipping the Script on Comparison
I am extremely competitive having grown up playing sports. I’m also very competitive with my brother, who is four years younger than me, if for no other reason than because he is my brother.
If he gets a promotion or a new job where I know he’ll be earning a higher salary, my first feeling is not happiness and joy for him. Or being proud of him and his hard work.
It’s sadness and shame because I will focus on how much I think he’s making and compare that to my salary. Is he making more than me?
How crazy is that? My brother earning more money for himself and his family (MY family) causes me to selfishly hope he’s still not earning more than I am because of my competitive ego.
In CBT terms, this is called “social comparison” and it comprises a number of the cognitive distortions listed above.
To better handle this in the moment, I can realize this is happening, identify these cognitive distortions, and challenge them.
“I should be making more money than my brother” - Why? Do I work longer hours? Do I have more knowledge or skills? Or do I just think I should be making more money because it’s my brother and I want to because I’m competitive?
We also potentially have different values and goals. He has a family. I’m single. Who cares if he wants to maximize his earning potential in corporate America? Good for him!
My goals in life have changed and that’s not something I focus on as much these days.
If my goal is no longer to make as much money as possible in corporate America, then what does it even matter how much he makes vs. me? It doesn’t.
I can tell you, when you’re able to go through this process to challenge your inner critic and reframe your thoughts, you’ll immediately feel lighter and you can go on with your day.
Reflect: Right now, close your eyes and name one person you compare yourself to. Got it? Now, ask: “What does their success change about my goals?”
Now that we’ve learned how to identify and challenge our inner critic in the moment, what can we put into practice regularly to ensure we’re living the life we want to live and stop comparing ourselves to others constantly?
Your Daily Playbook for a Life Beyond Comparison
Changing your mindset is the foundation, but true transformation is cemented by your daily actions.
The internal work of reframing your thoughts protects you in the moment, while these external practices build a life where those moments of comparison become less frequent and less powerful.
Think of these not as a checklist, but as ongoing habits for designing a life that's authentically yours.
Identify your purpose and create your own scorecard: Understanding your purpose will make almost everything else melt away. Identify what that purpose is and how you’ll value your life. Focus on these and let everything else go.1
Curate your reality: Your social feed is a direct input to your brain. Unfollow any account that makes you feel less-than and actively seek out those that inspire or educate you. You are the gatekeeper of your own mind!
Build authentic connections: Seek out friendships where you can connect on a deeper level. The antidote to shame is talking about these issues through vulnerability. And recognize that most of your male friends are probably feeling the exact same things and just not talking about it.
Practice self-compassion: I’m a huge fan of journaling. Write down regularly what you’re proud of yourself for. It can be anything, small or large. But appreciate yourself.
Consider therapy: My views on therapy have changed dramatically over the years. I've come to believe that everyone can benefit from therapy. It can continue to help you work on all of these aspects of your life, bringing you more in line with your true Self.
Your Path Forward
Hopefully now you not only understand why men feel this need to constantly compare ourselves to others, but you also have ideas for how to combat these feelings of inadequacy as they arise.
I truly believe the antidote to feeling inadequate is connecting with your true purpose and values and focusing on those.
It will take practice to identify these distortions and reframe your thoughts. But the more you practice, the easier it gets. And I promise you, you’ll start to feel the benefits.
You're not alone in this.
Whether this is your story or you've seen it in the men in your life, let me know in the comments if this resonated, and share one takeaway you can put into action today.
Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans is a great book that helps you design a better life. It offers an easy way to build a life scorecard and measure it, helping you identify where you’re doing well and not doing so well.
We, individuals, need to take the time to fully understand our core purpose in this world. I'm afraid that it's not an easy task, but it will allow us to fully map our journey and avoid (hopefully) the social comparison trap that we may face as we go along. I believe that it's an ongoing battle that we can always prevail, especially if we're aware that it's happening.
PS: Amazing piece of content. Thank you for sharing it.
Andy, part of the problem is our tendency as humans – particularly male humans – to compare our *inner* world with the *outer appearance* of others. Man, that’s always a losing battle!