The Loneliest Decade: How to Actually Make Friends in Your 30s

Harder Than It Should Be, But Worth It Anyway

I used to be embarrassed to admit this, but making friends as an adult has been really hard for me.

Yesterday, I golfed with a guy I didn’t know existed up until four months ago. We met at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the Winter.

We played in the same Winter League there and on the final weekend, he and his partner were paired up with me and mine.

We started talking about where he regularly golfs and he mentioned he was single, no kids, and likes to golf at some of the popular public courses around here I love.

My antennas went up.

I’m always looking for people to golf with and here we were, serendipitously meeting each other over our favorite activity.

It’s not always that easy.

The Problem With Making Friends in Your 30s

I’ve always had friends since I can remember. I played sports throughout my life, which gave me a strong base of guys I could make connections with.

And from there, there was school, the neighborhood, and then summer jobs. These were all rich opportunities to make friends.

When we are younger, we’re always in environments that foster opportunities to make friends. We don’t even have much say in the matter.

Once you become an adult, these opportunities started to dwindle.

This was even more true when I got sober.

I was no longer out at bars meeting people with my social lubricant flowing through my veins.

My 30s have become my loneliest decade by far and I don’t believe I’m alone in this. There’s a certain sadness that takes root when you realize your days of making fast friends in the schoolyard are over.

We fall into our routines, get stubborn about testing our edges, and fall into patterns that cause us to shut down.

I’ve found myself thinking many times, “I’ve always had friends. I shouldn’t need to make more friends.”

The last few years of my 30s have proven me wrong.

It’s not easy to hang out with my friends anymore. Most are married with kids. They need at least 28 business days’ notice to plan anything.

I’ve realized that I don’t have a lot of friends that are in a similar season as me.

And that’s a very humbling thing to feel.

Especially as a man, we do not like the vulnerability of opening up to a stranger.

I’ve written before about covert depression in men, which turns men inwards, focusing on unhealthy coping mechanisms like overworking, numbing behaviors, seclusion, and the like.

I’ve been here. We don’t reach out. We don’t initiate. We don’t ask for help. We keep everything surface-level.

But feeling this loneliness in your 30s is natural as the structures in your life break down and your friends go separate ways.

It’s simply time to build new structures.

Start With What You Already Love

I really enjoy golf, hot yoga and wellness-related stuff, and writing, just to name a few things.

I’ve made a few friends already just through being a member at the indoor golf simulator club I belong to over the winter.

I wanted to play in the Winter League there but didn’t have a partner, so I asked my buddy that works there if he had any ideas. He found me a partner who I’ve since become friends with and we’ll be playing in his Summer golf tournament at his country club in June.

It took a lot for me to actually ask my friend for a partner because a big part of me was trying to convince myself it wasn’t worth it. I could just keep practicing by myself.

I’m glad I pushed through.

Just Say Something

This is a silly one, but especially for me as an introvert, it can feel quite daunting to spark up a conversation.

I am always very aware of awkwardness, so the last thing I want to do is make an interaction awkward for someone else. Or make myself feel super awkward.

That often causes me to not say anything at all and just keep it moving. How many cool people have I missed out on meeting because I was too worried about being weird?

I still have to talk myself into it most of the time. But I’m continuing to press forward despite the fear of being judged or creating an awkward interaction.

An example of this was when I went to the baseball game by myself a few weekends ago. The old Andy would’ve sat in the stands scared to look around or talk to anyone lest they notice me there by myself.

Instead, I struck up an awesome conversation with the guy next to me who was manually keeping score of the game. I got to learn more about him. And we connected through the wonderful game of baseball.

All I had to do was be willing to ask him why he was doing it manually.

Someone Has to Go First

This is where I’ve struggled the most historically. Meeting someone face-to-face is one thing, but then texting or calling them later to ask them to do something? For me, that can feel needy. (Yes, I know now it’s not!)

When I met the guy I golfed with yesterday during Winter League, the course he mentioned he liked to play was one of my favorites. So I suggested we should play it sometime. And we exchanged numbers.

Now, whenever we’re looking for a person to golf with, we text each other to see if the other can play.

If either of us weren’t willing to initiate, it would’ve gone nowhere.

It takes some vulnerability, because I could always be ignored or shut down. Each time you practice this, it gets easier. The connection you build gives you more confidence that more of your people are out there.

As I was golfing yesterday, I thought about how cool it was to be golfing with this guy I had just met a few months before.

Four months ago he was a stranger. Yesterday we played 18 holes. Funny how that works.

What are some hobbies or activities you’ve made friends through? Let me know in the comments.