What If You've Been Thinking About Anxiety All Wrong?

A Small Shift in Perspective That Changes How You Relate to Anxiety

I used to be terrified of my body.

After I had my first panic attack at 18 seemingly out of the blue, I learned I couldn’t trust my body.

How else could I explain being fine one minute and the next feeling like my body was attacking me, sending a three-alarm fire surging through it with deadly intent?

I became anxious about anxiety. I became panicky about having a panic attack.

I remember going to class in college terrified of having a panic attack. What would people think of me? Would I pass out and embarrass myself? Would people think I was a wimp?

The Old Anxiety Frame

After the first few deeply traumatic panic attacks, I became a victim of my own nervous system. The only thing I was sure of was that all this panic and anxiety was coming from the outside and it was here to hurt me.

I vividly remember a few of the panic attacks I’ve had alone at home where all of a sudden, my heart started beating out of my chest, I started feeling flushed and sweaty, and my mind told me something was terribly wrong.

My mind has always been how I’ve defined myself (my “Self”). My thoughts were me. However, the anxiety and panic were always happening to me from some external force I couldn’t control. Even if that external force appeared to be very much inside of me.

When I would feel the wave of anxiety and panic rush over me, I’d think “Oh shit, here we go again” and I’d immediately feel out of control and deeply unsafe.

Death was at the door, except I was perfectly healthy according to my doctor.

Worse yet, it often felt like it wasn’t a real thing. After all, I’d been to the doctor and emergency room where they told me nothing serious was wrong with me.

Are you sure? Why is my body trying to kill me?

Believe me when I say, I understand just how debilitating and terrifying anxiety can be, especially when you feel like you have zero control over it.

A Healthier Reframe around Anxiety & Panic

I have a much better relationship with my anxiety today.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight.

It’s taken me almost two years of therapy and personal growth to reframe my relationship with anxiety and panic.

It started with this question:

What if your anxiety wasn’t trying to kill you but trying to help you?

For someone that’s really been through it, that can almost be a slap in the face. I know because this was my reaction:

What do you mean it’s trying to help me? You have no idea what I’ve been through. Or how terrible I’ve felt. Or what it’s caused me to do and not do in my life.

That’s a pretty normal reaction in my opinion when you’ve really been through it. And if you’re currently going through it, this reframe isn’t going to land right now.

Come back when you feel more emotionally regulated.

Working Through the Reframe

What exactly does it mean for my anxiety and panic to instead try to help me?

Here's what I had to understand first: your nervous system wasn't built for this world.

It developed when real predators existed and the alarm system that kept your ancestors alive is still hardwired into you.

It just can't distinguish between a genuine threat and the anxiety of sitting in a meeting you don't want to be in.

Your alarm system is simply trying to protect you.

Every symptom you’re experiencing with anxiety—the shakiness, the feeling “off,” the racing heart, the terror or feeling of losing control, all of it—is simply your body trying to protect you.

How would that change your anxiety if you shifted your mindset from your body attacking and hurting you to wanting to protect you?

It certainly doesn’t make it go away, especially as you’re first working through this reframe.

But shifting from a mindset of “happening to me” versus “happening for me” was very powerful.

I learned to do two things: thank my nervous system for trying to protect me, and personify it so I could work with it directly.

The second part is where my real growth has come from.

How I Work with My Anxious Alarm System

I’ve mentioned my love of Internal Family Systems (IFS) before.

It’s been quite profound for developing a better relationship with myself and stepping into a real leadership role for myself.

I’ve identified this anxious alarm system as the 18-year-old boy that had his first panic attack. And is constantly monitoring every situation looking for the slightest hint of anxiety and panic symptoms.

He’s stuck at that age, in those deeply scary and unsettling situations, feeling alone and terrified.

Now, when I feel that twinge of anxiety in my body, as a skipped heartbeat, or a flush of heat across my body, I can take a step back realizing this younger part of me is active and he’s shouting,

EMERGENCY! WE NEED HELP! WE ARE NOT OK!

I first thank him for always trying to protect us. His love for us runs so deep that he has taken on this role 24/7/365.

Thank you so much for always being there to protect us. And thank you for alerting me now that we’re feeling this anxiety. I can feel it, too.

But what comes next is where I step into my new self leadership role. I am 40 years old. I have been doing the hard, internal work for years now. I know how to regulate my nervous system and have tools should things get worse.

I remind him of the work I’ve done, ask him to trust me, and let me handle it.

You’ve done your job and alerted me. Really good work. I’m letting you know that we are safe right now. And remember, I’m 40 years old and have done a lot of hard work for us. I know how to handle this situation. I am more than capable. I will keep us safe.

From my experience, my anxiety typically lowers. Why is this?

My prevailing theory aligns with the purpose of IFS. I feel like I have agency again in my life.

Anxiety isn’t happening to me. It’s happening for me.

I can have a racing heartbeat and be totally fine. My hands can shake and my muscles spasm and I can still go about my day.

Stepping into a leadership role for myself has allowed me to work with my alarm system to listen, but decide whether to panic. Instead of jumping to panic at the first physical symptom.

And if worst comes to worst, if I’m having a panic attack that’s a 13/10, I still have the agency to get myself help.

It Takes Practice

This shift didn’t happen for me overnight, but it becomes muscle memory.

The more I practiced stepping into that leadership role, the more agency I felt when anxiety showed up.

And it all started with one reframe: my anxiety isn't happening to me. It's happening for me.

I choose to listen to my alarm system. But I don’t have to choose to agree.

What has been a meaningful shift for you with your anxiety? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.