Men, We Have to Do Better

It starts with saying something to the men around us

I recently came across Erica McCarthy’s post about an experience she had with a guy in a coffee shop that demonstrated what many women see as the exhausting entitlement and emotional unavailability of modern men.

I’ve been around plenty of men like this. We work with them. We’re “friends” with them. They’re in our families, our golf groups, and everywhere else we spend time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what masculinity is because it’s tied to my life pretty heavily as someone who has a history of anxiety and panic attacks.

I’ve often felt emasculated by these experiences, with my inner critic telling me I was weak, the antithesis of traditional masculinity. This is crazy to me because I’ve had plenty of examples of being that traditional masculine guy, like growing up athletic playing sports at a high level.

Regardless, I’ve walked through adulthood feeling as if I wasn’t the man I was supposed to be and that’s caused me much more suffering than necessary.

I realized that a lot of my challenges in life have traced directly back to my outdated definition of masculinity.

So when I read Erica’s post, it was yet another reminder that men, especially, continue to walk through this world with completely wrong definitions.

Many still think masculinity centers on domination, control, entitlement, and “strength.”

Basically, “Me Tarzan, you Jane.”

This is what has been reinforced in men since they were kids not only by popular culture, but within the families they were raised in.

Kids learn how the world works by observing.

How many of the children in our society have watched men behave badly and get away with it? How many have learned how to treat women by watching how their fathers treated their mothers?

If my experiences talking with women on dating apps are any kind of reflection on the true nature of dating for women, I really feel for them. Let’s just say I’ve heard plenty of stories about emotional and physical abuse, controlling behavior, cheating, and the like.

How do men get away with all of this and still function in society? In my mind, it’s quite simple. We let them.

Men are very guilty of this. We know what other guys are doing. It’s usually not a secret.

I have watched guys behave poorly and have said nothing.

Why do we let them get away with it? For me, it was a fear of being ostracized by the group. I was scared of not fitting in. Of being different for saying something.

It shouldn’t take something to happen for us to remind men, “Hey, don’t you have children? Don’t you have a mom? Or a sister? How would you want them to be treated? Would you let this happen to them?”

That’s absurd.

Men should not protect other men at the expense of women. There is no us versus them.

Women deserve the same love, respect, and benefit of the doubt that we give each other. They’re people just like us.

When you bring a life into the world as a man, it is your duty not only to protect that life and raise it as best you can, but also to respect and care for the child’s mother.

That certainly doesn’t mean staying with someone who is toxic. It doesn’t mean staying with someone you’re just not compatible with for the sake of your kid.

But it does mean continuing to treat that woman with the respect that she deserves as the parent of your child. Even if you’re not together anymore.

Your children will learn how to treat women based on how you treat their mother. Every dismissal of her feelings. Every disrespectful word. Every utterance under your breath.

Not every man is a father or a husband. I’m not. We still play important roles in the masculinity conversation. We’re someone’s friend or coworker, and we have a say in how other men behave.

My new definition of masculinity leans heavily on emotional and behavioral traits like being emotionally intelligent, dependable, loving, and regulated.

To be clear, I am by no means perfect. I’m not making this about me or holding up my life to say live like me. I’ve made mistakes with how I’ve treated women and said things I wish I could take back.

But we do need to have this conversation. And men, we need to wake up and be the change.

We need to have standards and hold each other to those standards. Part of being a man is speaking up when another man crosses a line, so the people around us feel safe and heard.

You cannot do that if you are not respecting women. And women shouldn’t need to remind us to think about our daughters, or sisters, or mothers for us to take action. Women shouldn’t have to be someone’s daughter or sister to deserve basic respect.

If you have men you care about and they’re messing up, talk to them. Understand what’s going on. But hold them accountable.

Don’t shrug off bad behavior and say “Well, what can you do? That’s just him.”

It can be something as simple as, “Hey man, that’s not cool. Why would you say that?” to try to get them to realize their mistake.

Have some standards for the men in your life. Have standards for yourself. Live your life in a way that shows other men what it means to be a good father. To be a good husband. To be a good man.

One of my good friends, who is also a father of three, is a great example of what being a man is. He’s the most loving father and husband I’ve been around. He’s been with his wife since high school and they are raising three kids that are kind, respectful, and loving.

He treats everyone, including people he doesn’t know, with respect and his full attention.

He inspires me to be a better man.

Accountability doesn’t mean writing a man off. Most guys who mess up aren’t beyond help. They’re surrounded by men who say nothing.

We know what the men around us are doing. We always have. The only question is whether we keep letting them.